I’m exhausted. I thought I slept last night, even though I was awake when Hub left this morning at 8am. I usually try to get back to sleep for a while, but it did not work this morning. And right now? I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open. I feel EXHAUSTED. I rushed through eating some lunch because I knew I had to eat, but I pretty much scarfed my food and am back in my recliner with my laptop.
I feel edgy and anxious. So tired that I wish I could sleep, but that I’m worried there’s something wrong with me and that’s why I’m so tired. Why is my head so fucked up like this? I’m forever searching for a REASON for the way I feel, as if the lack of reason really means there is something direly wrong with me. And I made the mistake of telling my husband how I was feeling, while he is working about 2 hours away from home today, and now he’s worried. That doesn’t help me one tiny bit.
WTF is going on with me today? I do so well for so long, then fall into a hole of feeling this way. Maybe it’s my hormones messing with my head? I know I could text or email T to ask for help but I know she’s going to tell me to use my tools, and I’m TRYING. But what to do when the tools don’t feel like they are helping? So hey, maybe sitting here crying will help. Good on me, I’ll just go cry for a while, and maybe that will clear everything out and I can move on.
meANXIETYme 
joeyfullystated
December 15, 2014 at 12:23 pm
Ugh. Crying IS a stress reliever. Wishing you well.
meANXIETYme
December 15, 2014 at 12:30 pm
Crying is a stress reliever, but then I feel stuffed up and have trouble breathing, which sets off a whole ‘nother set of health anxiety. Can’t breathe, which has me gulping air or breathing with my mouth open…leading me to feel “breathless” — or I breathe with my mouth open and my throat gets raw and scratchy and I worry I’m getting sick.
I really am messed up! But either way, I cried. I’ll probably cry again before this “moment” is over with. I’m considering grabbing that big fluffy blanket we keep on the couch and curling up in my chair and just vegging (and crying) until there’s nothing left in me.
What a fun plan, right?
Thanks for the well wishes, they are appreciated.
joeyfullystated
December 15, 2014 at 2:50 pm
I almost added, “unless you end up in heaving sobs…” 😦
meANXIETYme
December 15, 2014 at 3:09 pm
Thankfully, no heaving sobs. I am, thankfully, feeling a bit better this afternoon. Maybe it was the crying or maybe it was the vegging and just waiting it through. I’ve already eaten a little more and gone outside with the dogs in the pretty sunshine, with the hopes that the nice weather will give me a boost.
Thanks again. I really needed the support today and appreciate it from you and April and Maggie.
April
December 15, 2014 at 9:39 pm
I wish I would have read this earlier, but all I can say when I’m like this is to stop–go into another room, go outside and try to not focus on the wrong thing—which would be anxiety. It’s so frustrating that we know it’s not right, but it’s there and we can’t deal with it. Glad you got outside and enjoyed some sunshine.
meANXIETYme
December 15, 2014 at 9:49 pm
Sometimes I can go do something to distract myself, and other times that makes it worse. I have to learn to decipher what is the right time to distract and what is the right time to live in it. I think I had to settle myself into what was happening for a period before I could distract myself out of it.
Truthfully, I am pretty sure the crying was part of an anxiety attack. Not full blown, thank goodness, but enough of one that once I got past that, I was able to recover. I had to think I actually had a panic attack, because it feels like a step backward, but I know that’s not the case. I made it through, it was fairly small, and I was able to move on.
April
December 16, 2014 at 7:51 am
I understand that feeling. I was starting to feel better, then I had a couple of *down* days. I then created an entire episode of anxiety because I thought I was going backward into depression. I knew I created that state, but there are times I have no idea where the anxiety comes from. It’s just there.
meANXIETYme
December 16, 2014 at 9:43 am
Yeah. What you said.
April
December 16, 2014 at 11:04 am
🙂