RSS

Category Archives: Sweet Pea

On borrowed (big dog) time

Hub and I have an evening wedding to go to in a few weeks. It’s a formal occasion, which I talked about briefly before when I bitched about having to find a gown and shoes. Hub had to buy a new suit, too, because the pants on his old suit were messed up…even after taking them to the tailor for the last big event we had. Anyway, I digress (already, jeez, I’m only in the first paragraph), because this isn’t about the wedding.

It’s about the dogs.

20170530_145531

Who, me?

 

Technically, not so much Butthead, but more about Le Moo.

20170618_100408

You can’t see me hiding back here, can you?

 

We’re hiring someone to come dog-sit while we’re at the wedding, mostly because we’re over-protective and we have to be forty minutes away just before dinnertime and who is going to feed our pups? The wedding is a family affair, so anyone who might be able to feed the dogs are all going to be with us at the wedding. So we’re going to hire someone to come to the house, feed the dogs, and hang out for a while to let them out and stuff. This means finding someone to hire, which means telling people about our dogs.

In theory, this is no big deal because we talk about Le Moo and Butthead all the time. You think your friends with new babies are bad? Yeah, they’re amateurs. We love our dogs, we spoil our dogs, we talk about them all the time and will happily explain how cute, adorbs, and completely disobedient they are (which they really aren’t most of the time). So it should have been a cinch to fill out the online profiles for the dogs when searching for a dog-sitter. Until Hub had to fill out their ages. Then he had to try really hard not to cry.

Both our dogs are large. Butthead is a svelte 76lbs…I wish she’d gain weight but she just doesn’t seem to be able to keep it on. I think she’s on the thin side but our vet says she’s a perfect weight. So at least I know she’s not sickly, since he’s happy with her physicality. Le Moo, on the other hand, is always on the…um, chunky side. She vacillates between 84-95lbs. At her highest, it was 95, now on a moderately strict diet she’s probably around 85lbs. She’s a big girl, but her (suggested) breed does indicate a bit of rotundness, so we’re all good with her size (except the vet, of course).

If you know dogs, you know that big dogs don’t live very long, generally speaking. Le Moo supposedly is part Great Pyrenees, and in looking up their life span it says 10-12 years. Le Moo is going to be 10 this fall. Although she’s not really slowing down too much (any slower than her norm and she’d be asleep all the time), we do see a moderate change in her personality. When my Mom’s English Lab got to a certain age, she changed from being completely ball-obsessed and independent to clingy. Le Moo is getting more and more clingy with every passing week. For her, that means she’s seeking our attention much more than she used to, and I find that she’s seeking out Butthead’s companionship more. At night, Le Moo used to sleep far away from Butthead, usually the complete opposite end of the room and sometimes hiding in the closet. Now, she will actively go and sleep right next to Butthead. And when we wake up in the morning, there are more days when she’s still there, rather than on her own bed or in the closet…or somewhere else away from Butthead.

Hub was incredibly upset to realize Le Moo’s age. I guess I’m more obsessive about these things, so I know her age and it’s difficult for me to forget it. I often find myself hugging Le Moo and whispering in her ear that she better not ever leave me. But it’s going to come and I am going to be devastated. I cried for months after we adopted her because I wasn’t over Sweet Pea’s death less than two months prior. As much as I wanted to love Le Moo–I’d picked her out and I’d made the decision with Hub to adopt her–I resented her because she wasn’t Sweet Pea. And she didn’t seem to need or want me in her life. She was so aloof and so independent and I was accustomed to Sweet Pea who was clingy and shadowed me everywhere.

When I realized what was happening and I began working through my grief over Sweet Pea, I came to understand that Le Moo was a different dog. And that she was the dog I needed at that time…and I had to be the owner she needed. Obviously I’ve become incredibly attached to Le Moo, although it is in a different way than SP, and I am terrified of the day she leaves this earth.

20170323_130331

I’ll just sleep here so you can’t put the recliner foot rest up or even put your feet on the floor.

 

I watch her when she’s out in the yard, because despite her weight and size, she can move like nobody’s business. If there’s something to be chased, she’s fast and light on her feet. If there’s something REALLY good to chase and bark at, she’ll actually pogo up in the air like she’s on a pogo stick or a trampoline. It’s outstanding and amazing to watch! People who have met her and know her–she mostly acts like a lump–have actually stared in shock when they’ve seen her run or pogo out in the yard. No one understands how she can do it and most won’t believe it until they see it, but it’s true. And so far, she’s still chasing and pogo’ing, so I am happy about that.

I don’t know how she dares even consider leaving this earth, but inevitably it will happen. Hub and I will be devastated. Until then, we continue to love her (and tolerate Butthead) for every moment we have together. Borrowed time or not, she’s still my Ladybug, and I’m going to celebrate all that she is until and then some.

20170125_185423

Why yes, this is my ball full of Kix cereal, thanks!

 
6 Comments

Posted by on June 29, 2017 in anxiety, Butthead, dogs, fear, future, hub, Le Moo, loss, love, Sweet Pea

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Some days it feels too hard

Le Moo likes to hang out in our partially unfinished basement. We don’t know why…if it’s the cold concrete floors, the darkness, or the general idea that she gets to sleep uninterrupted down there. We have a baby gate on our steps that we try to keep closed when we’re not down there, otherwise she goes downstairs and refuses to come back up unless there’s food involved. Unfortunately, sometimes Hub goes downstairs for something (it’s sort of his man-cave) and Le Moo follows. Then when we finally get her back upstairs, if Hub forgets to close the baby gate (it’s set up down half a flight of stairs around a corner out of sight) then Le Moo will just kind of disappear and we’ll have to go searching for her.

So she was down in her lair this morning and it was time for their lunch, so I’m yelling and yelling for her–sometimes she’s a hard sleeper–while I’m putting together their food. I turn around and I see her in the hallway at the top of the stairs and I’m like “you lazy cow”… and then I realize she’s limping. And my heart sinks.

We adopted Le Moo in the fall of 2011, and from what I remember, she was about 3  1/2 years old at the time. We’re at about 4 1/2 years from that time, so she’s about eight years old. She’s 95lbs (ish…we’re working on getting some weight off of her, even though we’ve never been able to accomplish that in the last 4+ years), and we think she’s a large breed dog. Large breed dogs have shorter life spans than their smaller counterparts. Le Moo is the twilight of her life. She’s had these limps on and off through her entire time with us, and our vet has never found anything. Despite Le Moo’s stature, she can haul ass when she wants to, and she’s prone to po-go’ing when she sees a bird or some other critter she wants to chase outside the fence. We’ve never gotten the po-go’ing on camera, but it’s pretty amazing the amount of air that she can get when in flight. Most of the time, the limp resolves, probably because she strained something when running or jumping. It’s wholly possible this limp, too, will resolve. I sat on the floor and checked her feet, paws, toes, leg, elbow, etc. She didn’t show any distress and I found nothing.

After the initial alarm, I’ve left her to rest on her own. Now I’ve been interrupted by the request to go outside. I took the opportunity during Le Moo’s snooze on the deck to inspect her paw and I have found a sore. I thought there was something on her pad and I pulled it off but it felt like…a sticker (as in a piece of paper with glue on it). But now there’s a sore left behind, which explains the limping. I’ve contacted the vet to see if we need to do anything other than keep it clean, but there’s not much we can do with a foot,  you know?

Anyway, after the initial alarm and the back and forth with Hub about what was going on, I told him If there was any reason for me not to get another dog in the future, it’s the worry and anxiety I get over them. It’s so hard to be worried all the time. He said he understood, but that they give us so much back, it’s worth it. I said, Some days it feels too hard. Some days it does. Le Moo is in her golden years. I can’t even fathom the idea of losing her, especially after losing SP. Butthead has been throwing up on and off, not to mention her ACL replacement and ensuing second surgery AND ensuing limping issues. I go to sleep every night and wake up every morning wondering if Butthead has gotten sick. We don’t know why she’s throwing up, and it’s sporadic and hard to figure out. We’ve put her on digestive enzymes in case it is acid reflux or tummy issues, and we have pepcid on hand at our vet’s recommendation if the enzymes don’t work. But it’s more worry for me. More anxiety. These I need like a hole in the head.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my dogs. I love my dogs more than I love most of the people in my life. I can’t imagine my life without them. I couldn’t imagine life without SP or life without my parents’ dogs over the years (their current, Cray-cray Lab, is limping and we don’t know why…sigh). But the stress over caring for them and worrying for them is tough. How do I balance it? How do I manage it?

How do I handle the ache that keeps settling into me knowing that Le Moo is aging…and that one day she’ll be gone? How do I not sit in this chair and cry?

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Six month inspection

Tomorrow is my first six month appointment after my cancer diagnosis.

I’ve been so busy with Mom, her radiation schedule, cleaning up the volunteer work she was doing, getting a wheelchair ramp installed, and searching for a cleaning service for her house (a small selection of what I’ve been doing the past several weeks) that I haven’t given myself time to think or worry about tomorrow’s appointment.

Until today. We had to take Le Moo to her annual vet appointment, which is about an hour and fifteen minutes away…one way. On the way TO the vet, poor girl was so nervous she puked in the car, so we had to pull over to clean things up. Back in the day when we had Sweet Pea, we always carried a “Puke Kit” when we took her in the car. Water bottle with clean water, a whole roll of paper towels, grocery bags for trash, an extra towel for her crate (she had a collapsible crate) if she threw up on the one we had in there, and lots of handi-wipes for us. But in the past, Le Moo didn’t throw up in the car. She would pant and pace and be restless, but no puking. Butthead doesn’t usually throw up, either.

The last trip we took to the vet for Le Moo, she threw up in the car. We have no idea why, except that we don’t really take the dogs in the car anymore. We groom them at home, bathe them at home, my parents are close by so we walk to their house when we visit, and we don’t take them to Hub’s parents’ house because they have small dogs and a small house. We don’t go to dog parks and we buy most of our dog food and treats online so we don’t go to Petco or Petsmart. And when we travel (rarely) we don’t take them. So we kind of guess that the dogs are out of practice for being in the car. The point being, Le Moo puked in the car today. We accidentally had paper towels in the car, and a large outdoor style trash bag in the back area of the van to protect the floor from dirt from something… And we had handi-wipes. So I cleaned things up, folded up the blanket we put on the floor of the van for the dogs to lay on and jammed the vomit-laden blanket into the big plastic bag. Then we were back on the road.

We spent a fortune on medications for the dogs (heartworm, flea & tick, stuff for their joints) mostly because we have to buy TWO sets of everything for a year. Le Moo got her shots and her exam and we came home.

And I went to check on Mom to see how she was doing today, and to retrieve Butthead because she hung out with them while we were gone. And Mom was not only sitting up on the couch, but she had already had a pretty good sized breakfast and was just finishing a very full lunch. She was drinking hot chocolate and told me she was eating everything she could get her hands on. So apparently her appetite is going strong right now. And then she asked me to go retrieve her crochet bag so she could work on the hat in there.

However long this lasts, it’s really good to see her perking up. We don’t know if it’s the radiation, the steroids, or a combination of both, but it was really nice to see.

So by the time I got home, despite having more to-do things on my list after my short visit with Mom, my head was spinning forward to tomorrow. To my own journey with cancer. I’m not only anxious about the exam (the last time I went in to see their PA, the exam was hella uncomfortable…an issue I’d never had before), I’m anxious about the results. I know they said they would do a pap smear on the cuff area to look for any kind of cancerous cells, but otherwise I don’t know what they’re going to look for or what they might see. The appointment is really only the first piece of the stressful puzzle, because I’ll then be hanging on by a thread waiting for results.

For better or for worse, after the appointment tomorrow, I dive back into Mom’s radiation appointments and a bunch of other things that need to be done. There are people I’m waiting to hear from before I can finish some tasks, but otherwise I have a whole to-do list of things to keep me busy.

I have no idea if I’ll sleep tonight. Not that that is so different from other nights. I guess we’ll see how well I deal with my anxiety tonight.

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

And still I grieve

It has the power to bring me down.

The day this is posting is the day we had to let Sweet Pea go three years ago. I’m writing it six days in advance, for no other reason than the fact that today, it took me down. In an unexpected way.

I have a lot of random pictures of SP on my computer. I’ve been through them, time and again. It has made me miss her, and in some cases reminded me how much I love her and how much joy she brought to my life. Sometimes it makes me sad. I don’t look at the pictures a lot, but I do have pictures of her up around the house, mostly in frames. I still have one polaroid on my nightstand that has been with me since we moved out of our last house. I dust it off and look at it occasionally, but mostly it makes me feel better to have it there. So there it stays, on the corner of the nightstand, just sitting.

My parents have put in a bathroom in their basement with a raised tub so we can bathe all the dogs easily. She decided to make the bathroom doggy-themed, which will include pictures of all our dogs, from the first to the most recent. So today I was printing out pictures of the dogs to put in frames to hang on the bathroom walls. I put together all the other dogs, but could not decide which of SP’s to use. I asked Hub if he had any other pictures of SP on his computer to look through. He said yes, so I asked him to go through them and pick out the ones he liked. He went and copied everything he had onto a thumb drive and brought it to me, but I asked HIM to look through them first. He claimed he was busy and left the thumb drive on my laptop. For about half an hour I avoided it, then I finally plugged it in. Within minutes of seeing what was on the drive, I started crying. I told him I couldn’t look through them and I furiously started crocheting while tears just ran down my face. Hub got upset that I was upset and said he should have just looked at the pictures and he was sorry. I told him it was my decision to look, but I couldn’t, now that I knew what was on there. It was mostly pictures of SP at the end. When she was already showing signs of pain and distress. When she was already looking at us to relieve her of her pain. She looked old and bloated and sad. It was bad. Hub looked through them, but said he found nothing to use, so I asked him to go through what was on my PC to see if he could pick one he liked. I watched him go through the pictures and realized how hard it was for him. I told him I would find something, but he said he would do it. He picked out two pictures to choose from, then disappeared. I was only able to call out a “thank you” before he basically ran off.

I tried to explain to someone that when you’ve lost someone close to you, you are never the same. You only learn to live this new normal. You learn to live with the gigantic hole in your heart. It never heals, it never gets filled up again, your body just learns to adjust to it. I think sometimes it’s the mind and soul that refuses to adjust. Today my mind and soul are refusing to allow me to adjust. And I just want to cry with the pain.

SweetPea

Miss you so much, Bubba-girl. We both do. We’re so thankful to have had you in our lives for so many years. We’ll love you forever and then some.

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Disconnected

One of the people I follow here on WordPress wrote a blog post with a paragraph that hit a very deep part of me. Her name is April…go read her blog, it’s pretty amazing. I hope she won’t be upset that I quote her (and if so, April, let me know and I’ll edit and remove your words)…

The worst part of depression for me, is that I can’t show, or I withhold the love I feel for the people I love. I don’t hug, tell them I love them enough, pay attention to what they are saying. I deeply feel it, but for some reason, I can’t show it. That makes me feel the worst about myself, which continues the cyclic pattern of my depression. Not only does my behavior hold me captive by depression, it truly hurts my heart.

That struck me so much, and right now it’s something I’m attempting to deal with in therapy. T says I’m disembodied. The thing is, I feel everything so deeply that it is often painful. But on some level I’ve begun to realize that I feel pain, anxiety, unhappiness, guilt, shame, self-judgement…and the like very deeply. I can feel anger and fear and panic. I have a very deep understanding of my body and how it feels when it relates to any of those emotions (or pain). I know when to rest if I’m tired or feeling unbalanced. I know when to hold back energy-wise so that I can do things I really need (or want) to do. My relationship with my physical body is probably more on point than most, because I’ve HAD to be that way.

But T asked me in my last session about feeling emotional happiness, contentment, joy, things like that…in my body. ANYWHERE in my body. Where do I feel it when I look deeply into my husband’s eyes, or hold my mother’s hand… And I told her I had no idea. She asked me to think about something important, someone important, and asked me where I felt it physically. My mind went right to my first dog, who I still grieve over. I can feel the texture of her fur, smell her unique smell, see her deep brown eyes. She asked me where I was feeling that energy in my body…and I immediately burst into tears (which I rarely do in sessions). I told her I felt it in my throat, a huge lump. But it wasn’t what she was looking for, because that went right to grief and pain, and loss. Those are “easy” for me to feel.

Why do I always go right to those feelings, those emotions? Why are they so easy to manifest physically, but the good things are so hard. I love my husband and my family, my dogs, my friends. I love the people (and dogs) who are gone from my life. I love my writing, the creative side of me, but I’m disconnected from them physically. I would do anything for any of them, without hesitation, and often do what I can to show them I love them. I hug them and tell them I love them, but it’s almost an effort, in that I have to THINK about doing it. Finding the physicality of it is not automatic for me anymore. But ask me to make something, do something, go somewhere, look something up, buy something…I do it without question. Ask me about the emotion of it, how it makes me feel to show that love? I can verbalize it, but I don’t know that I FEEL it inside me.

T sent me home and told me to listen to a piece of orchestral music and to try to breathe with it. Feel it, find where it touches me physically. I did it once last week and got…nothing. In her office, she had asked me to focus on a painting and find where it brought up physical feeling in my body…but it was just a picture. I could talk about how it represented hope, and the future, and how it was full of dreams. But those words didn’t connect to anything inside me. It was a painting. I don’t have a thing about artwork, and I don’t have a thing about music. I’m not sure I EVER have. How am I supposed to find connection, embodiment in those things?

She was quick to tell me in the office that the painting thing was a diagnostic tool, not a show of failure on my part to connect. And yet, I felt like a failure. Listening to the music and feeling nada made me feel like a failure. Something else I can’t do right. I left the office, practically ran out to my car, and burst into tears again. I cried in the parking lot, I cried on the way home. I feel split open…filleted. I cried over my failure, I cried over my dog…the one whose grief haunts me. I often feel that I’m still grieving her, and that it’s blocking my ability to feel real happiness and contentment. Not one time have I mentioned Sweet Pea in therapy that I haven’t cried. That I haven’t felt inundated with grief and loss. Am I still holding on to that? Is that really doing a number on me? Or am I overthinking things again? Am I looking for a WHY when there is none?

 

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

My favorite carpet (hates me)

When we were building this house, we talked about getting dark carpeting in a lot of the rooms that were going to be carpeted. We had cranberry colored carpeting in our old house in the family room, and it was the ONE carpet in the house I loved. It was a sploched, weird pattern, but it made me so happy to see it every day. And it was a short pile, so it was easy to vacuum…and truthfully if we ever spilled any drinks in there, you’d never know.

sp_carpet

Sweet Pea! (and our carpet)

When we went a-shopping for new carpet, I carried around a sample of this carpet everywhere we went. I tried to find it because I wanted it our new bedroom, but the manufacturer got bought out by a bigger chain and they discontinued the carpet. I never found anything even close. We ended up with a semi-shaggy (and soft) chocolate brown on our first floor (big open rooms with lots of windows) and a multi-colored tan-ish with gold-ish flecks for the upstairs (less natural light coming in). Both sets of carpet were the same manufacturer, same soft slightly shaggy pile, and we were told they would wear extremely well. We also thought we’d have Sweet Pea with us, so we figured it was best to get darker colors in the main parts of the house to hide the dark dog hair. She never made it to the new house, but those decisions were made by then.

Anyhoo, while we were shopping one time, I found this carpet that I L-O-V-E-D. But a) it was verrry expensive and b) it was an “animal print” (subtle) and everyone thought it would be too much in our larger rooms. But come hell or high water, I wanted that damn carpet. We ended up putting it on our stairs going up from the main level to the bedroom level. We have a relatively large landing (the stairs are a “U” shape) where I’d get to enjoy a larger swath of the pattern, but on the stairs it would be less overpowering. The pile on this carpet was also low and tight, so we figured it’d be easy to keep clean, no matter what dog(s) we ended up with.

The landing, post-vacuum.

The landing, post-vacuum.

Also, note the TWO dog toys discarded on the side of the steps. That's a Butthead thing...

Also, note the TWO dog toys discarded on the side of the steps. That’s a Butthead thing…

So now with two big hairy dogs, we have dog hair everywhere. Yes it gets worse when they blow their coats, but they shed all year round. Lots of hair, lots of shedding, lots of hair. Get that? And of course, that means the stairs get covered with dog hair. The stairs I have to walk up and down every day. The stairs that are visible from the family room and the foyer (altho we rarely use the front door for guests because we don’t have a walkway yet) and from all of upstairs. When we got long haired dogs, I knew what it would be like, so I’m not shocked or surprised. I knew we’d be vacuuming the stairs…we had the same issue with SP.

But holy hell, this carpet basically fights back against every vacuum we’ve ever bought (and/or tried and returned). The only thing we haven’t done is buy a Dyson, mostly because we’ve been told they don’t actually work that well. (Also, $500 for a vacuum? Hell no!) We JUST bought a Shark Rocket, which is similar to the Dyson stick thing, but supposedly has better suction power.

Da Rocket

Da Rocket

Our stairs have larger-than-average depth to them because Hub has ginormous feet and we asked to have deep steps to accommodate him. That, of course, leaves us with even more area for dog hair to collect. The Shark did okay on the steps, I thought, until I took the above pictures. The landing looks pretty okay, but those steps look like they’re still covered with dust. I wonder if it’s the lighting from the flash? Ugh.

We have two full-size vacuums in the house, but the hose attachments won’t pick anything up, and hefting the whole vacuum over each step is painful and tiring. I’m guessing at this point that the weave on the carpet is just SO tight that it won’t release anything. And also, the weave seems to have a direction, and vacuuming in the wrong direction seems to dig dirt and hair further into the pile.

If I totally didn’t love this carpet so much, I’d be considering pulling it up and replacing it. It was hella expensive, but cleaning it is nearly impossible. And even if we didn’t let the dogs upstairs (which we do, so nuts to that idea), the dog hair still floats around and would STILL get on the carpet. I’ve actually spent time BRUSHING the carpet with one of our dog’s brushes, which pulls the hair off the carpet, but having to sit on each step and brush it individually with a hairbrush? Uh uh, not going to happen, ya’ll.

I haven’t decided yet if we’ll keep the Shark Rocket. I’m waiting for Hub to give me a second opinion on how it works. It wasn’t an inexpensive investment…if it worked, I don’t think it’d be a big deal. But I’m sort of undecided on how well it worked. Then again, I’m really critical about how these vacuums work.

And just because…

Butthead snoozin' in her crate on this rainy day (she goes in there all the time to nap).

Butthead snoozin’ in her crate on this rainy day (she goes in there all the time to nap).

 

 
5 Comments

Posted by on May 2, 2014 in anxiety, dogs, Sweet Pea

 

Tags: , ,

Distraction

So, it’s the day. And I’m in it. It’s about 2:30 in the afternoon, and I’ve done everything I can to keep busy. Including, apparently, not sleeping. This post will likely be rambling and sad. I’m sorry about that.

Yesterday I got it in my head that I needed to fix the grave markers for SP and her buddy Big B (my parents’ lab, SP’s mentor). The markers I bought had faded in the sun after not-quite two years. I thought the ceramic tiles had been painted, but apparently they had a thin veneer of printed plastic on the tiles, which faded to nothingness over the last several months. So I figured I’d just paint something on them and seal them, like using stencils or something. Only the Michael’s I went to didn’t have stencils I wanted (I wanted letters and numbers, but they only had letters and the fonts were weird and not readable or too big), so I ended up buying paint pens and some other shit to try to fix the ceramic tile signs. And after spending too much money and going home, I couldn’t get any of the stuff to work the way I wanted. I ended up just hand-writing on the ceramic tiles with the paint pens. I’m so mad at myself because they look like shit, but I did the best I could. Hub put one coat of sealant on them early this morning and I hope will do another coat later today. Then I’ll put them back up for the time being. Then I’ll find something to replace them. But meanwhile, after I gave up and just wrote on the ceramic tile, I took Butthead and Le Moo outside and I sat down on the deck step and cried. It’s been hot and humid and I didn’t really want to be out there, but at least I was in some shade…and I just cried. Hub came out and found me out there, but Butthead was, well, being a Butthead, so he took her in the house and left me outside with Le Moo. I think he wanted to sit with me, but he felt it was more important to get Butthead away from me at that moment.

I cried because I miss SP, and I feel lost without her. It’s like she took away my purpose in life. Just typing that makes me tear up. Sometimes I feel wrong for this grief. Sometimes I wonder how anyone can not feel this grief in this kind of situation. And sometimes I wonder what other people think of how much I am grieving SP. The length and depth of it. Am I so odd? I want to sit here and defend myself, to explain what my grief is like on a daily basis, versus around the time of the anniversary where I am particularly emotional. But really, I don’t want to defend myself, or quantify what I am feeling, because it is my life, my world, and more importantly, my grief.

I had weird dreams last night/early this morning. This is not really news for me, as I tend to have strange dreams. This time was about not being able to see the clock, not knowing what time it was, and no one answering me when I asked them about it. It was weird and sad and lonely. Hub is sleeping on the couch downstairs. He hasn’t been sleeping well and spent all day Saturday helping a friend move. He is sore and tired, and apparently hurt his ankle, too. After grocery shopping this morning, I’ve let him be. I tend to want to grieve alone, even though I know he feels as deeply as I do about SP. I think he grieves differently than I do, and although he does tend to want to grieve with me, it makes me way more emotional. I feel like if I let him be, he won’t try to share my grief and I won’t break down as hard. I don’t know. I’m rambling.

I’ve stopped and started this post a couple of times, each time breaking away from it to go do something. On one hand I want very much to release my emotions here, but on the other hand I am afraid to let go too much. Just re-reading my post about the anniversary of my loss of SP made me tear up. I don’t want to lose control because it costs me too much, physically and emotionally. As I’m typing this evening, I’m trying to think of something else I can go do to distract myself some more. I guess I will give in, because I don’t feel like I’ll be doing anything other than rambling at this point.

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,