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Monthly Archives: May 2017

Purpose and control

I was watching television and a character said he became a doctor because it was always his way to try to control things. Being a doctor made him feel he was in control of his life and his patients’ lives.

I was sitting there watching and it was like one of those AHA! moments. I started wondering if my fiction writing (which I’d been doing since I was a pre-teen) was my way of controlling things in my life. Or finding a way to have control in a world where I really had no control, especially when I first became sick…which is when I started intensely on my writing career and when I was first published.

When I talked about this with T, it also made sense as to why I haven’t been able to write very much in the last few years. I’ve worked so hard to release my idea of controlling everything, and so my default way of writing–and seeing my writing–is no longer the same. T said she could see exactly what I was dealing with, and she felt the discovery was a very interesting and insightful one. I’m not sure how I will be able to write again, but T thinks I’ll find a way. I certainly don’t want to go backward in order to find my ability to write again, but as I am now, I feel like my solace in writing is gone. I used to be able to disappear into my books and create lives and worlds where everything was the way I wanted it to be. But now, where I see that control really is an illusion–even though I’m still working on that in my own life–I’m not sure how to create stories the way I used to.

At the moment, I even feel like I’m struggling to get my ideas across in this post. I feel jumbled and like the words I want are not here. It’s sad and disappointing right now. The thing that I always went to feels like it’s well and truly gone. I mean, I know I haven’t worked on any of my books in recent years, nor have I really started anything new of note, but I guess I thought it would still be there to save me.

It sounds dramatic, but really my writing did save me when I got sick. There were days I never made it out of bed except to go to the bathroom, and yet those were the days where I wrote my books. Those were the most productive days of my writing career. Through pain and vertigo and fatigue…I wrote my books. I wrote deep into the night, hours and hours at a time, and slept through until noon. I would eat lunch and then go back to my writing. It kept me sane, it gave me a life to live when I couldn’t live my own life. My hands would cramp, my arms would ache (I wrote my books in longhand), my neck would hurt…but I kept writing. That was the first time I ever wrote a full-length book, and it was the first time I persisted in finding a publisher for that book.

And here I am, in need of that solace, and unable to find it.

I’m not the same person I was, no question about it. I just don’t know how to be the person I am and still have the purpose I had then.

 

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Finding connections

I wasn’t sure what to do this year about mother’s day. Last year I sent Hub off to his mother’s house without me, and I spent part of the day with my brother and his then wife (now ex-wife). I talked with T about this on Friday, because I feel some guilt about not going to my mother-in-law’s to be with her, but I just am not ready yet this year. I know she understands–as does Hub–but I am at heart a people-pleaser, and so the guilt sat heavy with me. In the end, though, I couldn’t make myself go.

My father had mentioned to me Friday evening that he was going to go to the cemetery to visit my mother’s grave and he asked if I wanted to go. I didn’t answer him at that point, but Sunday morning when I saw him, he brought it up again. He said he knew it made me feel “uncomfortable”, but he wanted to make the offer for me to join him. I tried to be gentle in responding when I said to him, “I don’t feel uncomfortable about going, but the truth is, I don’t feel a connection to Mom there. I don’t feel it to Nana and Papa, either…it doesn’t work that way for me.” (my grandparents are buried in the plots next to my mother). For real, I feel more of a connection to my mother in her “den” closet, where she had a bunch of books stashed on a bookshelf…gardening, trees, cookbooks…I stumbled on them at one point and ended up crying. Because that’s my mother. The cemetery is just a marker for her physical body’s last resting place, but it has no history for me with her. My father only said OK and that he was okay to go alone, which I had to trust was true.

Somewhere around ten a.m., I texted my brother (the one with the ex-wife) to see what he was doing that afternoon. He said “nothing”, so I asked if he wanted to do something. What I really wanted to do was go back to the nursery where Mom and I used to go all the time, and where he and I went after she died. I also offered up the opportunity for him to come to my house to help me bake peanut butter cookies, which he (and my other brother) scarf up as fast as I can make them. His response was a preference to go to the garden center, so in some corner of my mind I knew it was the right thing to do. Even Hub said as much when I told him my plans for the afternoon while he was with his mother…he said my mom would be happy to know I was spending time there with my brother.

So after lunch, my brother and I set out for the nursery, which is about 20 minutes away. We talked a lot in the car about how he’s been doing with his depression and his medication, as well as some other health issues he’s dealing with. But once at the nursery, we talked about plants. We walked around the big place for about two hours–which leaves me exhausted and in pain today unfortunately–just chattering and touching plants and gagging over the high prices. We bought absolutely nothing, but it was worth the time and energy and pain, because it felt right. This brother and I, we have always been the closest of the siblings–with the exception of his married life where he withdrew from the whole family…and even then I tried to stay in touch with him as much as it was possible–so this connection felt good to renew. I know he’s struggling with his depression and his newly single life and his desire for a partner and…well, lots of stuff. And part of today was to remind him that he’s not alone. Doing that for my mom and for him made the day work for me.

I miss my mother so terribly. Every day. I feel like my identity without her has been lost. I don’t know how to get it back…yet. I’m still searching, and maybe someday I’ll find my purpose again.

I described (to T and a friend) the run-up to mother’s day as “being poked with a cattle prod when you’re already on fire”…and it’s true. That’s so much how I felt with all the television commercials and the holiday displays in all the stores and the radio commercials and facebook and instagram and on and on. I worry that it will always feel this way, this painful, this sad, this lost. Living without my mom has changed my life and changed me at my core. I don’t know how to adjust to that, or that adjustment is even possible. Somehow, I have to find a way forward. Last night I watched Bad Moms on television while Hub was still at his mother’s. There’s a point in the movie where Mila Kunis is talking to her movie daughter and she basically says, “I know you can make it through this because I’m your mother and I know what you’re made of.” It was such a dumb, funny, stupid, crazy movie, but that scene and those words (which I can’t remember exactly) really hit me hard. I know my mother believed in me and believed in my strength and my ability to persist. I hope I can find a way to continue to make her proud in that aspect as I try to find my way.


 

As a minor update, I finished all my bactrim pills successfully. I don’t know how much I feel better, but so far it seems the smell is gone, so I take that as success. I wasn’t too much more itchy the last day and half, so that was good. My stomach isn’t entirely back to normal yet, but I know the bactrim stays in your system for several days following the last pill. So hopefully another couple of days and my stomach will be better.

 

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Bad bactrim bust

So here’s the history on my sinus infection and the antibiotics I was prescribed.

I’ve taken 8 days of bactrim, 2 pills a day. After the 2nd full day, I have been able to take the pills without having Hub sit with me for an hour. Today I took it after he left for work so I was home alone! I have four little shitty pills left in the container. In addition to all the stuff I’ve previously talked about–including HORRENDOUS heartburn/reflux–I’m now getting itchy. Mild but diffuse. My head, my arms, my back, my legs, my face, my hands, my ears…all little creepy crawly itchy spots. No rash, thank goodness, but itchy.

The heartburn has given me pain in my stomach in addition to chest-heartburn pain, throat burning, inflamed throat-feeling, and it has given me the GERD cough.

I called the doctor’s office twice, and both times I pushed the button to “speak to a staff member” and both times I literally let the phone ring for 3-4 minutes before hanging up. I left a message for my doctor in my online portal, but sometimes they don’t respond to that for a day or two. I ended up calling back and pressing the button for scheduling. The woman who answered said they are really busy (great excuse) but she took the message for me and forwarded it to my doctor’s office. She said either the doctor would call me back or her nurse would.

I do not want to take another pill. I’m concerned this is the beginning of an allergic reaction with hives and the whole schmear. As it is, it’s going to take 3-4 days for the medication to get out of my system…I could possibly still get hives or more itching during that time. The problem is, I don’t want to  have to start over with another antibiotic. Bleh. I’m crossing my fingers that the doctor says 8 days is enough for now and to see how I feel in a week or two.

The smell SEEMS to be abating somewhat, but it’s not GONE. I hope it gets gone because it’s still really irritating. I’m half concerned that I’m getting used to the smell and won’t be able to tell if it’s really gone or not.

SO the doctor’s nurse just called me back. She asked if I had a rash or hives with the itching and I said NO. She said that itching is a side effect of bactrim, and as long as there’s no hives or rash, I can try to finish the last four pills. She said that an actual allergic reaction would include hives or a rash, versus just itching. She recommended benedryl to help with the itching. I don’t take benedryl–or anything if I can help it–so I haven’t decided what to do yet. I haven’t had itching overnight, so I might try to take another AB dose tonight and see how it goes. I mean, I only have FOUR PILLS (two days) left, I don’t want to start all over with a new course of antibiotics if I don’t have to.

But maybe I’m going to ask them to put bactrim on my no-no list from here forward.

 

 

 

 

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Bactrim blues

So I’ve taken six pills so far for what my doctor diagnosed as a sinus infection.  I wanted to make note of what has been happening with the bactrim, at least for my future reference. Here’s what my historical experience prepared me for:

Upon getting my ABs, I come home and go look up my blog post from when I had to take these particular ABs, and I apparently have nausea, bad taste in my mouth, and dry mouth (editing to add, and dry/itchy eyes near to the end of the course of ABs) to look forward to for ten days at least. Two pills a day over ten days.

I’m definitely getting a lot of heartburn/acid reflux. My appetite is nil and the nausea is there for sure. My stomach hurts almost all the time, but that could also be from the acid reflux/heartburn. What is also a bit distressing is that last night before dinner (after the 4th pill at 9:30am that morning), I had a really bad hot flush on my face and ear, and I had anxiety. I’m not sure if the anxiety came from the hot flush or from the ABs. So I took another pill this morning at about the same time as yesterday…and tonight the hot flush started again before dinner. I didn’t even wait this time, I just got a cold pack and put it on my face until I was pretty well frozen. I didn’t get the anxiety, but I also stopped the hot flush early on, so maybe I stopped the anxiety before it started.

There’s no discernible change in the smell issue, yet. I’ve been trying to use different essential oils to distract myself from the smell (I just realized I had some good oils downstairs I could use…brown sugar and vanilla!), but it doesn’t last long.

Last night we invited my father over for dinner since my brother (the one that lives with him) is out of town for several days. Then tonight we went out for burgers with him and my other brother. Tomorrow Dad’s going to the grocery store with us in the morning, basically because he’s tired of being stuck in the house alone. He and I talked about how hard it is to be alone in the house all the time (while his house-mate is out of town), and I told him how concerned I am about being alone when Hub goes away. I told him I might end up sleeping there at night and he said if I did then they would be able to help me with the dogs in the early morning hours. I said I’d let him know. I’ve been going out for walks every day and when I get to his house, I call him to tell him to send his dog into the yard with us…sometimes he comes out to chat at that point. It’s hard because I used to do this to go hang out with Mom…and it’s not as easy to find things to talk about with Dad all the time. But I’m trying t keep up with the walking outside, so if he wants to chat with me he’ll have the opportunity.

I’m really tired of feeling so crappy. I want to regain my energy. I want to move forward.

 

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Weighted blanket – link

I have no investment and no connection to this kickstarter. I just happened upon it in my Twitter feed and was very interested. I’m considering buying one, and then decided it might be of interest to others here.

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1620645203/gravity-the-weighted-blanket-for-sleep-stress-and?ref=thanks_share

 
3 Comments

Posted by on May 6, 2017 in anxiety, link

 

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What is that…smell?!

So I think it was Friday when I first noticed the smell. It might have been Saturday, it might have been Thursday. Initially, it was like, WTF smells funny? And I was walking around sniffing. Smelling my clothes, smelling my hair, smelling the blanket on the couch. Then I started thinking it was one of the dogs that smelled bad…because of course they do, they’re dogs. But no, this smell was not the dogs. And it wasn’t the Hub. I thought it might be an old bottle of shampoo I’d been using because honestly, I was smelling it everywhere I went.

I have a very sensitive nose. I think I’ve mentioned that before, either here or in comments elsewhere. I smell every-damn-thing. And there are some smells that just drive me crazy. This was one of those smells. I’ve spent hours trying to define it…it’s like smelling some hot, stale air that is being blown on you constantly. I briefly thought it was the fans on my laptop, but then I realized I was smelling it away from the laptop and even away from the house.

I changed my shampoo, I changed my clothes, I cleaned my hairbrush, I stopped taking the b12 pills that I’d started a few weeks ago…but I just kept smelling it. Sometimes it would go away, then it would randomly come back again. Then I realized that I had a weird taste in my mouth, too. When I wasn’t so intent on the smell, then the taste would bother me. So, like I should never do, I went to Google. I had trouble figuring out what to type in, but I tried a couple of different things and ended up with stuff like: medication side effects, tonsil stones (WTF), tonsillitis, sinusitis. I was fairly convinced that this was tonsil stones, mostly because I had no symptoms of tonsillitis and almost none for sinusitis. I’ve never had tonsil stones before and I couldn’t see any evidence of them, but seeing inside my own mouth is kind of difficult for me. So in effect, no matter what the diagnosis is, the SMELL was coming from me. BLECH. Hub swears he doesn’t smell anything (which the doctor later confirmed on her own behalf), but I SMELL IT.

As I’d mentioned, Hub’s insurance didn’t kick in until May 1st, so Monday morning I asked Hub to contact his HR department to get membership information so I could call my doctor’s office for an appointment. Unfortunately, she didn’t get back to us until late Monday night…and then I had a massage therapy appointment Tuesday morning that started before my doctor’s office opens (Tuesdays are late days for the dr’s office). After my massage therapy, I called the doctor’s office and got an appointment for the following day, which is today.

The doctor pronounced this as a sinus infection. She said my tonsils look like a sinus infection and the “smell” and “taste” symptoms are also signs of sinus infection. I have no pressure or pain, no green gooey or globby snot, just constant post-nasal drip (which I have from allergies) and the smell and taste issue. I’m walking around with this horrible smell in my nose and this yucky taste in my mouth…and now I get anti-biotics.

I HATE PILLS.

Ten days of 2 pills a day–one in a.m. and one in p.m.–which means I get to have pill anxiety twice a day for ten days. Yay. The doctor prescribed bactrim, which I took last year after my cyst issue, and apparently once before that I think for my post-surgery infection. I found this from last year’s cyst blog post:

Upon getting my ABs, I come home and go look up my blog post from when I had to take these particular ABs, and I apparently have nausea, bad taste in my mouth, and dry mouth (editing to add, and dry/itchy eyes near to the end of the course of ABs) to look forward to for ten days at least. Two pills a day over ten days.

I took my first pill about 90 minutes ago. About twenty minutes in, I had an anxiety “flash”…which kind of means I had that ripple of anxiety wash over me and I felt like something wasn’t right. But Hub was with me, and I told him, and I went on trying to distract myself for the hour post-pill-taking. My mouth still feels weird, but I suspect that’s the yucky taste in my mouth bothering me. I’m feeling pretty relieved because Hub says he’ll be working from home both tomorrow and Friday, and then he’s home for the weekend as well, so I won’t have to take any of the pills on my own for a few days. Hopefully at that point I’ll be okay to take them on my own.

And hopefully this smell will go away FAST. It’s really been driving me pretty cray-cray.

 

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