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Monthly Archives: April 2015

Mowed me a lawn…

Two weeks ago, I wanted to try to trim the grass along our fence because it looked like crap and Hub hates trimming. But I couldn’t use the trimmer, it was too difficult for me. So I asked Hub to do it, and then I asked him to help me learn how to use the riding mower. It’s a zero turn thingy, so it has these two handles that you have to coordinate to keep the mower going straight. I am not coordinated. I can’t drive a stick shift car. But he helped me get it out of the shed, then showed me how to use it. Ya’ll, it was AWESOME. We have a little hill in the back yard, so once I got used to that–i.e. that I wasn’t going to fall over–I would pick up speed to go down the hill. The weather was really nice, sunny and cool with a breeze. And when I hit that hill and picked up speed, it was just fun. Like riding a go-cart. And the mower is LOUD, so I felt very zen-like because I couldn’t hear anything. My thoughts were drowned out. I was concentrating on using the handles to follow my tracks from the previous round, I was feeling the sun and the wind. I was just zoning out and I really felt good. I was tired when I was done from all the bumping and jostling, but it felt like such an accomplishment. I did the back yard, then stopped. Hub did our front yard area (which is really an empty lot that we thought we might parcel off and sell some day) because I didn’t think I could do it all and still be able to function physically the next day.

So today, with the beautiful weather we had, I decided to do the lawn again. Once we got the mower out of the shed, I was off. And it happened again…that zen-ness of just mowing. Noise and wind and going round and round. I decided to go ahead and do the front yard, too. I got it all done without any issues (the first time I mowed I ran into two of our gutters. I mean, I really messed up one gutter and I REALLY knocked over a pipe that goes into the ground from our gutters in another area, but luckily no permanent damage there, so far…) and it felt awesome. I know it’ll all be more difficult over the summer in the heat and the humidity. And realistically, depending on when my hysterectomy is scheduled, I probably won’t be able to mow all summer…but knowing I was able to do it was pretty freaking cool. And knowing I could do something that a) Hub dislikes doing and b) will free up some of his time, which he can then use to do something else I can’t do and c) I didn’t think I could do.

My only concern is what physical after-affects there might be. Controlling the mower is not easy, and that means stress on my arms and shoulders and neck, all of which are weak (and painful) spots for me. The bumping around on the mower isn’t entirely comfortable either, which could affect my back. But we’ll see tomorrow…if there are tears when I can’t get out of bed or move, I’ll know I did too much.

My last visit with T, I told her about the first time I mowed. And that I hiked into our back woods with Hub to put up no trespassing signs (we keep seeing people walking around back there looking for deer antlers, but it’s private property and also…it’s pretty messy. If someone trips over a dead tree and gets hurt, we could be liable…) and not once during the “hike”–which really was more of a walk while avoiding poison ivy and marshy ground–did I worry about getting hurt. Or getting stuck. Or not being able to get back out.

I told T that I’ve been feeling less anxious. It’s a weird feeling because I almost feel unemotional…but not. I don’t spend as much time looking into the future or imagining what might happen. I’m learning to say (and think) that what’s going to happen is going to happen. And that I will deal with (whatever it is) when it is upon me. No point in spending hours obsessing and thinking about my upcoming surgery appointment. When the time is upon me, I’ll work with it. And I told T that it is just strange. She told me that my body is thanking me for the lowered stress and anxiety…and I’m sure it is. All I know is that I still feel weird at the feeling of “calm” that I really can live in.

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Missing in(action)

I didn’t really realize how long it had been since I posted. I know a lot of stuff has (and hasn’t) happened, but I was genuinely shocked to note that it’s been a month since I last blogged.

Update on my mom. She’s still feeling well, which seems to surprise every doctor she’s seen. We’ve had multiple “second” opinions from a couple of doctors who are top docs in her particular type of cancer. After our pretty crappy experience with the first radiation oncologist, we requested new referrals for her to other facilities. After some extended time waiting for the referrals (holidays, etc), we finally got in to see a local radiation oncologist who is about fifteen minutes from our houses. Since she’s going to have to go 5 days a week for almost six weeks, we wanted to find something a little more convenient than the first doctor…plus, he was an asshole. Fortunately, the new doctor (and all the staff) at the new place were pretty great. My mother is really comfortable with the new radiation oncologist, and that’s all I need to know. Their facility has TWO hospitals backing their technology and research, so we’re getting some really great, cutting edge treatment technology. In truth, this doctor pretty much said the same as the first radiation oncologist–aggressive cancer, likely to spread even if they can kill the current recurrence–but the presentation was different. The aura was different. The intent felt different. I don’t know, it just all felt different, and like I said, if Mama’s happy…

So they had to study all her pictures and test out different treatment applications to see what would be best for HER situation. This week we go for the “dry run” so they can do a walk-through of the test to make sure everything is set. I would guess next week will be the start of the treatments if everything works out for the dry run. And from what we’ve heard, she’ll start feeling side effects in the first 2-3 weeks. But one step at a time. Right now, like I said, she’s still feeling good so she’s playing in the garden and cleaning the house.

Update on moi. I go for my surgical consult with the surgeon next week. So far I’ve been able to keep everything in perspective. The results of my hysteroscopy were mostly inconclusive. They grabbed a polyp but it was benign, so that was good. Beyond that, they didn’t get enough tissue to figure anything else out. So I go to the surgeon without that information even after all that. If I had known I would end up with inconclusive results, I wouldn’t have done the damn tests. The CRNP had told me that I really needed this test before I saw the surgeon, but now she’s saying “Well you’re getting a hysterectomy anyway…” Way to back step, lady. They also wanted to do a repeat ultrasound to make sure the cyst in my ovary resolved. Which I did and it did. Then the tech said, “But oh now there’s one in the other ovary.” Dude, they’re SUPPOSDA be there every month. She said the doc would probably want to follow-up on the new cyst, but the CRNP didn’t say that when she called to update me with all the results. So like I said, it’s off to the surgeon to see what he says. They already sent all my test results and the notes from my exams and tests to the surgeon.

My PVCs are greatly reduced. I notice them mostly at night when I’m trying to sleep. They’re manageable. I wish they weren’t there at all, but I can deal with them like this without them really infringing on my mental state. My sleep still sucks. I’m having crappy dreams again. And I’m waking up multiple times in the night. AND I’m waking up early in the morning and not able to get back to sleep. I HATE THAT.

I’ve been doing some hats here and there. Hopefully soon we’ll have enough to send to the infusion unit. Mom has been doing some other projects, so she’s slowed down on her hats, too.

It’s been feeling a lot like waiting around here. Waiting for her referrals, her appointments, her tests. Waiting for my appointments, my tests, my results. Hub has been dealing with some medical issues (minor), so that’s been on our front burner recently.

I’ve been seeing T on my regular schedule. Sometimes I feel like the appointments are just me chattering and not resulting in much. I wonder about that. But other times I know I need to be able to get help for something that’s bugging me. I still think this schedule of once every other week is good.

I’ve NOT been back to my massage therapist. She had to take six weeks off for some knee surgery and when she came back, I was right smack in the middle of all this …. waiting. So I told her I needed to see Mom’s radiation schedule and MY surgical schedule before I made any appointments with her. On one hand, I miss the massages and I know my body does. On the other hand, I’m functioning, so I know I can do without the massages. So I’m sort of iffy about that…

I’ve written a little bit. I did some work on a story and felt okay about it. I wish I had a good direction for it and I wish the characters didn’t seem so SAD at the beginning of the book. I don’t like to start a book that way. But even so, writing is writing and I felt good about what I did.

So now you know. I’m okay. I’m just mid-action.

 

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DONE! (link)

I don’t do links very often, but I liked this one a lot. It spoke to me.

http://www.fastcompany.com/3044546/work-smart/why-saying-this-four-letter-word-can-transform-your-productivity

Smaller chunks. Smaller chunks. Smaller chunks.

Aaaand DONE!

 
6 Comments

Posted by on April 6, 2015 in anxiety, link

 

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