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Monthly Archives: September 2016

And then I cried…

I saw T for my appointment on Friday and I pretty much cried through the whole thing. She tried to reassure me that what I’m dealing with is grief, not a major depressive episode. It’s also combined with where I am in my life, which┬áis kind of lost and stagnant. I’ve been struggling with finding my purpose–or reclaiming it if that’s the case–and she thinks that is making me feel worse. I miss my mother. I miss her love and her support and her company. I am tired of being unhappy with who I am. I’m tired of being unhappy with how I feel about myself. I cried for all of it. I cried on the way home, too. I felt weepy most of the day. Then again, I’ve felt weepy pretty much all the time the last couple of weeks.

When I woke up Friday morning, I found that our upstairs air conditioning had frozen over. Again. For the last three (or four maybe) years, the system has frozen over at least twice during the summer season. Initially, we were told finding a small leak was near to impossible, and we should just refill the refrigerant unless is became an on-going issue. When it became an on-going issue, they tried to find the leak but couldn’t. We’ve been through several different HVAC companies, and no one could find a leak. We were told it was probably in the attic in the line that runs between the outside unit and the inside unit. The only way to “fix” that was to replace it entirely. Entirely$$$$. So the second time it froze over this season, we tried a “sealant” along with a dye, to try to trace the leak. No surprise based on our luck, the sealant didn’t work and Friday morning I saw the ice building up on the system again. Talk about wanting to cry. Not only does it mean more bullshit to deal with, but it also means no air conditioning on our bedroom level. And no a/c means no sleep. If I try to sleep on the main level where there IS a/c, I can’t get comfortable and therefore no sleep. The HVAC guy came back today (that was three days with no a/c in our bedroom) and told us that he found evidence of leaks in the unit inside the house. So now we have to scrape up money to pay for that repair…the part was barely under warranty (somehow we got stuck with a crap warranty for five years instead of ten) but labor is never under warranty. I had to go find some kind of proof of when the unit was purchased because basically we are at 4 years and 11 months. Stupid jerks. Now it’s a couple of days before the part is in and then we schedule for the work to be done.

We’ve been sleeping with the windows open at night, since the weather has cooled off somewhat. Unfortunately, that means my allergies get triggered. And the upstairs gets humid, because air movement is limited. We have NO cross-breeze possible in our bedroom. Boo. I have summer allergies and I have mold allergies. So no matter what, I’m feeling it and now I feel like my bedroom is just coated in allergens from having the windows open. Ugh.

I feel like I’m a walking vat of injury and tears and pain. My stomach is giving me trouble. Not in the normal way, but in a spot of pain that is showing up in a weird place. It’s not an area I’ve had pain in before…and I can’t identify what is causing it. I hate that. I’m having some other uncomfortable pain in uncomfortable places that aren’t really proper to discuss with people. I’m not sure why, but it’s just more to irritate me. There’s a spot on my back shoulder that’s getting rubbed by my bra, and even when I try to sleep it’s irritated.

What’s wrong with me these days? I’ve known my body has been falling apart for years, but this is a whole new slew of stuff. Unfamiliar stuff.

I’m tired. I want to go to bed. The room is too hot for that during the day, even if I were to do it.

I’m whiny. Don’t listen to me. I’m done.

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Silent

I have been silent. Sad and silent.

In my head, I have written about five blogs. I compose them, I edit them, I reconsider what I want to say, I think about it some more…and then I don’t actually write them. They might still happen, but they might not.

I have been dealing with more pain recently, which hasn’t improved my daily outlook. My husband had been dealing with work issues. My brother is just starting a (contentious) divorce. My father has been to and from some of his doctors to make sure he doesn’t have any kind of advancing dementia (which he does not, thankfully).

I am the (supposed) steady in the family. Despite my issues, my family still comes to me for support, reassurance, an ear…etc. No matter how I’m feeling, I still seem to be the one they all gravitate toward. Even my few (and far away) friends seem to feel that way.

I feel sad, ya’ll.

I’ve been dreaming about my mom. I had a long dream about her, then I thought I woke up (and I really believe I was awake) and I had a vision of my mom standing next to my bed looking down at me. It was so vivid and so real I could have reached out to touch her. But it was extremely upsetting for me because she was looking sickly, with her post-chemo peach-fuzzy kind of hair, and she said to me, “I’m tired and aching…”

I emailed T that very morning and although she helped me make sense of the dream, the vision still bothers me. I don’t know why she came to me that way, in that manner, and with that particular message. It’s been over a week and I still can’t get past it.

I still hope to write the blogs that need to be written. I want to think that what I’m dealing with is only grief, but I feel like I’m having some mild depression. I don’t want to do much of anything. I do what needs to be done. I fake what that world expects to see. But in the end, I just feel sad.

I know I feel overwhelmed, and so some of that might be the cause for feeling kind of shut down. Hub has been sick, on top of everything else, and my pain has been escalating. So that all makes for harder days and nights, especially since the pain interrupts my ability to get as much sleep as I normally do–which isn’t even that much.

For no reason, some pictures I took one evening last week.

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