Seriously, I spent time thinking about what to title this blog. And I spent even more time trying to decide how much ERCK I could get specific about. So I went “haha” with the title and am going to be polite in the blog.
I have my appointment with the new gynecologist tomorrow (this post will be scheduled, so I will likely be completely done with the appointment by the time it publishes). I’m not looking forward to it. I’ve had crappy experiences with gynecologists in the past. Fortunately, not crappy like most women have to deal with…but I’ve gone through multiple doctors as we moved houses and my cycle went cray-cray. I’ve been through many sides of the cycle experience, and I’ve been on and off pills to try to get things regulated. At some point, I just gave up and pretty much went with the flow. No pun intended. I have been told my weight has screwed up my cycle, but after losing a lot of weight it changed nothing. I was told I have fibroids (years ago) that shouldn’t bother me. Then I was told I have a thick uterine lining. Then I was told I had fibroids that were big (without symptoms) and that I should have a hysterectomy immediately. That doctor (who always acted so arrogant) freaked me out, and I ended up running off to a very highly regarded oncologist, who told me it was entirely appropriate to “wait and see”, especially since I wasn’t having symptoms (or problems). That was over two years ago. And since then, I’ve gone through the uterine cancer with my mother. I have no idea if there is a heredity component to uterine cancer (I’ve not googled it AT ALL), but when I was talking to T about it, she asked if I knew there was, what would I do? And I said I would pay much better attention to my gynecological health. So she told me that I should consider following that path. So I’m trying…
I have the three lab reports from my three internal ultrasounds (aren’t THOSE just party-time fun?) so I can show it to the nurse practitioner I’m seeing tomorrow. (I would have had to wait another month see the doctor, and T told me the NP was actually much nicer.) I would assume she’s going to do an internal exam, probably a breast exam, and then we’ll jabber about my cycle issues and the fibroids. She’ll probably give me a referral for a mammogram (I’m past THAT AGE), and maybe I’ll end up with another internal ultrasound. I’ve put off worrying about this appointment until today. I’ve been trying to distract myself all day, and until the last couple of hours, it has worked. Now I’m thinking about it…and worrying over what’s going to come of it.
I have absolutely no need for my female organs. I’m not planning to have kids. I’m not attached to them emotionally. I’d probably be happier without them because they do cause me aggravation just thinking about the issues involved. I am also terrified of having surgery, with all that it entails. I do not have experience personally with surgery. I’ve been under anesthesia for a endoscopy…”twilight” they told me. I did not enjoy it. I woke up as they were pulling the tube from my throat and it was frightening and uncomfortable. Going “under” was also frightening and uncomfortable (although I had an awesome nurse who talked to me for as long as I could remember while I was going under). Clearly I survived the ordeal, and I would guess I’d be okay after a hysterectomy. My mother did really well with hers. 90% of the women I know personally have had the surgery and they all made it through. I always feel like I’m “special” and that if there is going to be a problem, then I’m going to have it. It seems to be a pattern for me. T tells me I’m not special in this manner. I disagree. We argue. It never resolves.
It’s time for me to close down for the night. Tomorrow is a new day. The appointment is late in the afternoon, so I get plenty of time to think about it again tomorrow. Cross your legs…errr, fingers for me.
It’s the day of and I’m nervous. Sitting around all day sucks. I slept really horribly last night, was up early, and my stomach has been unhappy all morning. Part of why I don’t like going to doctors is the anxiety of waiting for the appointment. The unknown…what’s going to happen, what’s going to be said, what’s going to be diagnosed. What bad thing is going to happen or be found. So anxious, ya’ll. Hub is at work so I’m here alone. He’s coming home to take me to the appointment, and I’m definitely going to tell the CRNP that I have an anxiety disorder. I hope she’ll be sympathetic and gentle in speaking with me. I really don’t like feeling this way. I want to distract myself, but it’s not really happening. Urg.