This is my 101st post (technically it’s #102 because I just posted a link after having written this post). I had no idea how many I’d written, only that I was trying to keep ahead of the schedule. For a while I had five and six posts scheduled out, but now it’s been shrinking down to only 1 or 2 posts. Then last week I didn’t have a post ready on time, and I missed what I considered was a scheduled day. I’ve managed to make that post and now 100 is sitting on the schedule, with another one in draft that I can’t seem to concentrate on.
I thought maybe I would talk about my husband or my dogs, but I’m still a bit wary of giving out too much personal information. That seems like an incredibly stupid statement to make considering how much personal information I’ve shared about my life and mental state…but that is exactly why I am hesitant to share too much identifying information. As it is, I feel like I can be incredibly honest about everything happening to me personally because ya’ll have no idea who I am. As much as I like to have pictures to look at on other people’s blogs, I’ve yet to post a picture on mine…that fear of being identifiable. It sits on my shoulder and squawks in my ear like that big-ass bird that sits outside and taunts Le Moo almost every day. I want to be able to share things without worrying about people being able to identify me. But I struggle with the fact that I’m not ashamed of the psychological issues I’m dealing with. And that is true, I’m not ashamed… I think more of my concern is about giving out too much personal information on the internet. If I were to identify myself in some specific way, I feel like I’d be worried about identity theft, or some other issues.
For example, when I was younger, I had a friend (oooh, really? a whole friend?) that I was really close with. At some point she decided she didn’t like the person I was dating and she got really pissed when I wouldn’t break up with him. The friend knew a lot about me–a shit ton as I like to say–and she used it against me. Among other things, she broke into my house and stole things that were extremely important to me. I felt traumatized by the break-in as I was living alone at the time…and I felt betrayed by someone I thought I cared about. At another point, my brother was married and had children, then got divorced…his ex-wife tracked me down (not hard to do, I was listed in the phone book!) and was threatening me. She also tried to steal my identity to use for her own gains. Because of those two things, I became unlisted in the phone book (and online) and have been ever since, with every move to a new town, city, house, etc. I didn’t want to be vulnerable to either of those people ever again. If I were to identify myself here, they could potentially find me and try to use information against me. I’m not sure how, but I’m not as evil or crafty as they are. I would NEVER have considered breaking into my best friend’s house and ransacking their personal space. I would never steal things from someone who meant so much to me, even if I was angry with them. And I would never consider using a sibling to try to put black marks on an ex’s reputation in order to turn my children against him. I would never threaten a sibling as a way of getting back at an ex. So I have no idea what those kind of people could do with the information I put on this blog.
I know some blogs I follow have lots of identifying pictures and information. I know some of the blogs I follow do not. Clearly I am still struggling in the middle with that. I’d love to share pictures of Le Moo and Butthead. I’d love to share pictures of the property we live on, the deer and the woodchuck and the fox…the beautiful trees, the river that runs through our back yard when it rains. But at this point, I just can’t.
I share so much of who I really am, I am not ready to share who I am.