RSS

Monthly Archives: July 2016

CT Scan follow-up

I had my CT Scan for my one year post-cancer follow up about two weeks ago. I had my appointment with my gyn onc a week ago. It feels like longer.

I had a chest, abdomen and pelvis scan, adding in the chest because of a cough I’ve had. I assume(d) the cough is from my allergies, but I figured as long as I was going in I might as well just be sure. I was also supposed to get checked for kidney issues–as per my urologist–but it didn’t quite work out the way I expected.

I went in with my forms and told them I was getting checked for kidney stones in addition to my cancer check. This was post-barium-drinking. The woman at the front desk frowned at me and said that the barium screws up their ability to see kidney stones most of the time, so she shoved the prescription back at me. I asked her to go ahead and send the films to the urologist anyway. Why didn’t anyone tell me about this issue? But the urologist knew my gyn onc wanted with and without contrast, so she had to know it wouldn’t be the best view. Besides which, I think she knew I didn’t have stones, but this was a CYA kind of thing. Btw, I never heard back from her after the scan. Joy.

If you saw my ct scan post (linked above), you may have seen my comments on the post. I survived the scan (obviously) with residual pain and feelings of BLECH. I actually got my written report the day after the scan, but without commentary from my doctor. Just the report showed up. It was not remarkable, with the exception of some finding of soft tissue in the center of my chest area, which was declared as possibly “thymic rebound”. WTF is that? I did a NO-NO and looked it up, which actually resulted in very little information. So I messaged my gyn onc, who basically told me to take it up with my primary, as it was outside his expertise. He otherwise called my CT Scan as NED. I am a bit distressed that this scan didn’t mention views of my lymph nodes like the first one did after diagnosis, but I’m hoping that means they were not remarkable (and not that they didn’t bother looking…)

I contacted my primary doctor’s office and she’s out of the country until the end of July. That’s more than 3 weeks away, so I asked for someone else to review the report (because I don’t think they actually get to see the images). The interim doctor said it didn’t look like anything concerning, but I should see my primary upon her return. WTF.

So while I was sitting around waiting for THAT to happen, a relative suggested I get a second opinion on my ct scan images. I didn’t even realize that was possible, but back to Google I went. Turns out there are places online that will allow you to send them your images and have another trained and licensed radiologist read them. I had to pay on my own, but I wanted to get it done ASAP, so I forked over the cash (it wasn’t actually that bad, in the grand scheme of things). After some issues with uploading and getting them the clinical history they needed, they read my images. I got a written report about five days later (including a weekend).

Good news, the soft tissue was “without clinical concern” and was “minimal residual thymus”. The thymus is apparently an organ that is in use only before your immune system is developed, then it shrinks away to almost nothing. Sometimes when you go through chemo, radiation, surgery, or some other major issue, the thymus regrows to help your immune system, then shrinks away again. Since I’ve not had a chest ct before, I guess there was nothing to compare it to. Anyway, that was all good.

You see it coming, though, don’t you?

There is some asymmetric nodular tissue in the right breast axillary tail region compared to the left which is nonspecific.

Unh. I had my mammogram in February, with no notation of issues. I know there was something in my first mammo that they immediately followed up with using ultra-sound. That was then noted in my charts, but it was supposed to be benign. The wording is a bit different on this second opinion report (of course it IS a CT versus a mammo, so…). So I figured it was the same issue as before, but sent the second opinion to my gyn onc anyway, asking if I needed to follow-up somehow. After no response for several days, I sent another message today asking for a response.

The response was, “this isn’t my area of expertise, but here are three breast surgeons we regularly refer to”.

Cue uprising of anxiety and distress. Cue Googling the phrases in the ct report. Cue seeking some place of numbness.

Cancers based in estrogen “travel in packs” said my gyn onc upon my original diagnosis over a year ago. Breast cancer is one of those in the pack. The only history of breast cancer I know about in my family is pretty limited…supposedly my paternal grandmother had it, around 50-years-old, but my dad doesn’t remember details. My mother thought my grandmother had a mastectomy, but we have no way of confirming that.

So I messaged my previous gyno, who is in my area (my gyn onc and his suggested breast surgeons are all at least an hour away) to see if they can recommend someone I can see here locally. It’s only been about an hour since I sent that message, so I haven’t heard back. They might not be interested in responding because I haven’t been back to them since pre-surgery.

I am not having a panic attack. I am anxious and concerned. I am unhappy. I am fearful. And I am angry.

I don’t quite know what to do with myself at the moment. I had hoped writing about it would help. So far, it has not.

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Shhh…it’s a secret

It’s late and I should be sleeping. Instead I am typing on my phone in the dark to share this secret.

I’ve been lying here in bed crying. I so desperately want to sneak over to my parents’ house so I can sit in my mother’s closet with the door closed.

Maybe it still smells like her in there.

God I miss her so much. 

 
2 Comments

Posted by on July 23, 2016 in anxiety, crying, death, grief, loss, love, mom

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

One year scan

Tomorrow is my CT scan for my one year cancer check-up. Bonus, they’re also going to send the pictures to my urologist to see if there’s anything going on with my kidneys that we need to know about.

I’m getting a pelvis, abdomen, and chest scan. I get to drink barium and they’re going to do scans without and with contrast. Yay.

It’s been almost a year since my last scan, where they were looking for enlarged lymph nodes or anything else unusual…I think it was before my surgery, but it might have been before my second surgery. Or just after. I sort of remember the test, mostly because they had a problem with the pump that runs the contrast into your veins and the tech had to come out and fiddle with the pump. Talk about anxiety-provoking. I also remember that it was uncomfortable keeping my arm in position with the IV in it for the contrast. Does anyone ever have an IV that doesn’t hurt when you move your arm? Or hand?

I know the CT scan isn’t invasive. I know the worst part is probably going to be drinking the barium. I know the contrast is going to make me feel warm and flushed and like I have to pee. I know the table is going to be uncomfortable. It’s likely I’ll be done in half an hour if everything goes well. Maybe an hour, since I’m getting with and without contrast (last time it was only WITH). But I don’t remember the test per se…how hard was the table, how difficult was it for me to lay on my back, was I able to prop my head up, did my back hurt, did I feel claustrophobic…etc.

I’m still feeling nervous and anxious. I want it to be over.

I know I’ll come home and not be able to share the experience with Mom. I miss her over and over again. Every time I do something. Every time I want to share something small or silly or happy or sad, I miss her.

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Some days it feels too hard

Le Moo likes to hang out in our partially unfinished basement. We don’t know why…if it’s the cold concrete floors, the darkness, or the general idea that she gets to sleep uninterrupted down there. We have a baby gate on our steps that we try to keep closed when we’re not down there, otherwise she goes downstairs and refuses to come back up unless there’s food involved. Unfortunately, sometimes Hub goes downstairs for something (it’s sort of his man-cave) and Le Moo follows. Then when we finally get her back upstairs, if Hub forgets to close the baby gate (it’s set up down half a flight of stairs around a corner out of sight) then Le Moo will just kind of disappear and we’ll have to go searching for her.

So she was down in her lair this morning and it was time for their lunch, so I’m yelling and yelling for her–sometimes she’s a hard sleeper–while I’m putting together their food. I turn around and I see her in the hallway at the top of the stairs and I’m like “you lazy cow”… and then I realize she’s limping. And my heart sinks.

We adopted Le Moo in the fall of 2011, and from what I remember, she was about 3  1/2 years old at the time. We’re at about 4 1/2 years from that time, so she’s about eight years old. She’s 95lbs (ish…we’re working on getting some weight off of her, even though we’ve never been able to accomplish that in the last 4+ years), and we think she’s a large breed dog. Large breed dogs have shorter life spans than their smaller counterparts. Le Moo is the twilight of her life. She’s had these limps on and off through her entire time with us, and our vet has never found anything. Despite Le Moo’s stature, she can haul ass when she wants to, and she’s prone to po-go’ing when she sees a bird or some other critter she wants to chase outside the fence. We’ve never gotten the po-go’ing on camera, but it’s pretty amazing the amount of air that she can get when in flight. Most of the time, the limp resolves, probably because she strained something when running or jumping. It’s wholly possible this limp, too, will resolve. I sat on the floor and checked her feet, paws, toes, leg, elbow, etc. She didn’t show any distress and I found nothing.

After the initial alarm, I’ve left her to rest on her own. Now I’ve been interrupted by the request to go outside. I took the opportunity during Le Moo’s snooze on the deck to inspect her paw and I have found a sore. I thought there was something on her pad and I pulled it off but it felt like…a sticker (as in a piece of paper with glue on it). But now there’s a sore left behind, which explains the limping. I’ve contacted the vet to see if we need to do anything other than keep it clean, but there’s not much we can do with a foot,  you know?

Anyway, after the initial alarm and the back and forth with Hub about what was going on, I told him If there was any reason for me not to get another dog in the future, it’s the worry and anxiety I get over them. It’s so hard to be worried all the time. He said he understood, but that they give us so much back, it’s worth it. I said, Some days it feels too hard. Some days it does. Le Moo is in her golden years. I can’t even fathom the idea of losing her, especially after losing SP. Butthead has been throwing up on and off, not to mention her ACL replacement and ensuing second surgery AND ensuing limping issues. I go to sleep every night and wake up every morning wondering if Butthead has gotten sick. We don’t know why she’s throwing up, and it’s sporadic and hard to figure out. We’ve put her on digestive enzymes in case it is acid reflux or tummy issues, and we have pepcid on hand at our vet’s recommendation if the enzymes don’t work. But it’s more worry for me. More anxiety. These I need like a hole in the head.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my dogs. I love my dogs more than I love most of the people in my life. I can’t imagine my life without them. I couldn’t imagine life without SP or life without my parents’ dogs over the years (their current, Cray-cray Lab, is limping and we don’t know why…sigh). But the stress over caring for them and worrying for them is tough. How do I balance it? How do I manage it?

How do I handle the ache that keeps settling into me knowing that Le Moo is aging…and that one day she’ll be gone? How do I not sit in this chair and cry?

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,