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Category Archives: worry

No Joy Whatsoever

So Saturday the 4th in the evening, I got hit with a wave of exhaustion and wooziness and then weakness that left me feeling like I wasn’t able to stand long enough to even shower. Sunday morning I thought I was okay, but by 2ish, I was feeling the same again. This was more than just feeling tired, it was long past tired. It was close to how I felt the day after my surgery. Exhaustion, severe and overwhelming. Weakness like I had no muscles left after a 100 mile walk in one day. It was beyond beyond.

Monday morning I called my doctor’s office but no joy for an appointment, so Hub and I went off to a local walk-in/urgent care clinic not far from our local hospital. After 2 1/2 hours of waiting, ekg, bloodwork and pee, the doctor (who was wearing a face mask and coughing phlegmy) told me she found nothing in my tests but couldn’t rule out a stroke so I needed to go to the ER.

At 2pm, we checked into the ER and spent the next 5 1/2 hours being pushed from triage, Ekg (again), bloodwork (again), pee (again), the “main” waiting area, then to a small, isolated, windowless room with several other couples and individuals (some of which were contagious based on the fact that two of them were wearing masks–both of which then took off their masks while they were in there with us). This cramped little space is where we sat for another 90 minutes while they gave me IV fluids, while the others around us also sat getting IV treatments…along with two older people slouched over in wheelchairs (where there was no space for them) and another person slept on a chair. They finally found us a room in the ER, where the PA who saw us did a neurology physical test, said probably no stroke and they don’t want to do a CT without a real reason. So she did thyroid test (again) on the bloodwork which came back normal…as did all my blood work from both walk-in clinic and the ER lab. So she sent us home saying I should see a neurologist as a follow-up.

My doctor’s office called the next day and said, “come in so we can talk about what’s going on”, so I did on Thursday. Part way through the appointment (at 3pm), the doctor said “you’re having shortness of breath and leg pain, you need a lung ct and leg ultrasound to rule out DVT and lung blood clot”. Luckily for us, the nurse was able to hustle us an appointment at a local radiology office instead of sending us back to the ER again. Unfortunately, the nurse at my doctor’s office made an appointment for us at the location that was forty minutes away in the “city” versus the one that was ten minutes away and the same distance from our house. And she actually only made the CT appointment, not the leg ultrasound appointment. We were lucky that the person managing the location we went to fit us in for both tests within an hour…and the techs were both very nice about the situation.

The radiology place won’t tell us anything, they just fit us in for both test and sent us home at 4:30. I called my doctor at her office, who said she would call from home and get test results (bcuz her office closes at 5pm) and call me once she has them. She called at about 5:50 to say both tests were normal, for me to pick up in the inhaler she prescribed because my chest had sounded “tight” and she was thinking I might have asthma…and then I should rest, hydrate, and get back in touch if I get worse.

I’m at home, still feeling crappy and tired and weak. I’ve been eating normally, trying to drink as normal as possible, and trying to rest. Because of how badly I was feeling, I had a shitty panic attack Sunday afternoon (before the walk-in/ER visit) that I kept trying to get out of but it just kept recycling when I thought it was over.

Ten days after my appointment with my primary, I went back for a follow-up because I wasn’t feeling much better and the inhaler was giving me leg cramps. The doctor listened to my lungs and pronounced them clear, said I could stop the inhaler, and that I should go home and hydrate and rest some more. She said there’s a virus going around and that it wasn’t unusual for the main complaint to be exhaustion. And in fact, she was leaving shortly after my appointment because she was having the same symptoms I was (although she was also getting a little cough).

So I’m still home, still hydrating, still trying to eat normally, and I’m resting so much I’m tired of resting. Sadly, I’m still feeling really overtired and I have no energy for anything. It’s been a struggle for me to keep up with taking the dogs out repeatedly during the day (and I can’t leave Butthead outside alone because she eats stuff in the grass and then gets sick), and I’ve hardly been able to do more than one or two loads of laundry in a day. Going to the grocery store or to my therapy appointments leave me exhausted. Tomorrow I go for massage  therapy and I have no idea how I’m going to feel afterwards.

And through all of February, my pain has been ramped up. I can’t seem to get around it. My muscles all hurt. My stomach hurts. I’m having lots of trouble sleeping. I haven’t crocheted since January. I haven’t done much of anything since this all started…

Tonight…well, tonight Hub goes for his sleep study to see if he has sleep apnea. That means I get to go out into the dark and the cold tonight to let the dogs out before bedtime. It also means I will be sleeping alone tonight. Not a happy me!

Did I mention that Hub’s job is transitioning now that a bigger corporation bought his smaller employer? Did I also mention (can’t remember if I have) that they’re screwing around and even though we technically have health insurance with the new company we won’t actually have cards until some unknown time in mid-to-late-to-end-of March? So if we get sick or need the ER or to see a doctor or to GET OUR MAMMOGRAM we can’t. Or we pay on our own and maybe the insurance company might reimburse us later for some small portion of the amounts we paid? (*sob*) Talk about anxiety…

 

 

 

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Post colonoscopy refresh

Well, here I am, back on my recliner trying to recover from the last two days. The last five days?

The prep, while not as bad as it was for my surgeries, still sucked. I would definitely use this prep again in the future because it was less liquid to drink, and most of the liquid required was plain water. Also, it was split into two days, so that made things easier all around.

The colonoscopy, as everyone said, was the easiest part of the whole thing. The anxiety before (and now some after), is harder. The prep is harder. The half hour before going in is harder. Screw that, the hour before going in is harder. I still feel woozy-ish from some of the drugs, but I also think some of that is the lack of nutrition I’ve had over the last five days. I’m trying to go slowly back into food, both last night and today, so my intake is still smaller than normal. So I’m tired, I’m woozy-ish, and I’m anxious a bit.

Why anxious?

Well, let’s talk about the second worst part of yesterday (the prep was pretty bad for TMI reasons)… We get to the procedure center a few minutes early and checked in. They took me back only a few minute later than I had expected but not bad, really. I go to the bathroom one last time and they take me into a curtained cube area. There are seriously like 12 or 14 beds in this whole pre- and post-procedure area. It started feeling a lot like a cattle call. Get ’em in and get ’em out. So I get into my designated cube area and I undress and pull on my lovely gown, open in the back of course. I tuck my bagged clothes under the gurney as instructed and I get onto the gurney. I’m there about ten seconds and I get an excruciating abdominal muscle spasm. I start gasping and I hear the nurse on the other side of the curtain “you okay, hon?” So I say “uh” and she comes in and I tell her what’s happening. She seems sympathetic but not entirely interested. Says it’s probably from the prep and could she please have my arm to get my blood pressure? I tell her my BP is going to be through the roof because I’m in terrible pain and she just takes my arm and hooks me up. Shortly after taking my BP (which was high, of course), I get another spasm, and then another, and then another. It’s so painful and I want to cry and go home and I want Hub but the nurse says I’m up next and there’s no time for Hub to come back. I’m clutching my stomach and there’s a huge hard baseball sized lump under my skin and she’s asking for my OTHER arm so she can get the IV in. She promises to tell the doctor about the spasm but doesn’t seem distressed. Finally, the spasm gives up and the IV is in and the anesthesiologist comes in to talk to me. Then the doctor comes in and I tell him about something else and then alert him to the spasm. “Probably from the prep” he tells me.

If it’s the prep, then why have I had them before? If it’s not the prep, was it dehydration? I don’t know, honestly, and I doubt I’ll ever know WTF they’re from. What I know is, they hurt like a motherfucker and having four in a row was so painful that I was actually GLAD to be getting anesthesia. (Maybe it was dehydration and being slumped over on the toilet for two days. Hmm…)

Even after the colonoscopy, last night, and today, my stomach is so sore from the spasm. Cramp? Maybe it’s a cramp. Stomach charlie horse? I have no idea. But moving at all is uncomfortable because that muscle is apparently involved in every-damn-thing I do. And of course the fear that it’s going to happen again, because it actually takes my breath away it’s so painful and so out-of-the-blue.

Meanwhile, post-colonoscopy, I’m told I was very nice to the nurses and kept thanking people. Literally, as they were putting anesthesia into my IV before the procedure I blurted out to the two nurses “thanks for taking care of me!” and then I was out. So when Hub assured me that I was nice to everyone even before I was really conscious afterward, I said, “Well my mother would be proud of me.” My stomach was really inflated with air from the test, so I was really uncomfortable. They made me go to the bathroom and drink, then Hub helped me get dressed and we left. Less than two hours from when they took me back to when we got out to the car. When we got home, I walked around the main floor of my house and passed air for half an hour. I know that I kept asking Hub questions about what the nurses and doctor said after I “woke up”, but I couldn’t seem to retain the answers at the time. Every time I lapped around near Hub, I would ask him another question that I KNEW I had already asked, but the answers just kept eluding me. After being on my feet for thirty  minutes straight, I was done, so I went upstairs and changed and got into bed with a small container of yogurt to get some probiotics into my system. I had some apple juice, a small omelet and some jello for dinner. After a couple of hours the air seemed to have left my system, so my intestines felt better but my abdomen still hurt from the muscle thing. I was still kind of woozy and out of it, but I managed for the evening.

I didn’t sleep great, but that’s not news. This morning I didn’t want to get out bed, but I did it because I knew I needed to be moving around. And I knew I needed to get eating again, and drinking.

The doctor said they found one small polyp, which they removed and will send for pathology (2 week wait for that). They also found internal hemorrhoids, which I can have treated at a later date if I decide to do so. “A few” external hemorrhoids, too. Otherwise, I’m told there was nothing else of note, and my prep was “good”. Once they get the pathology back, then I’ll hear if I have to go back for my next colonoscopy in five years or in ten. I’m assuming it’s not cancerous, but I don’t know if I’m being naive about that or not. Either way, won’t know for sure until the report comes back.

Onward to my next job for this week…help my dad go through his mortgage refinance on Thursday. It’s supposed to be hella cold, single digits…yay.

 

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Insider information

I went through a couple different ideas for titles for this blog post, but this one seemed the most benign. Because I’m going to talk about my upcoming test on Monday.

It’s a colonoscopy.

I am less than thrilled, and at the moment, getting more and more anxious about it. Unfortunately, this last week, I’ve had stomach issues that resulted in me wanting to just cry all day and all night. I don’t get really constipated often, and this time was the absolute worst (and I have NO idea why this happened). It was made worse by the fact that I think I have a hemorrhoid (sorry, TMI) which was causing me pain every time I tried to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, the latter half of this week was bad. I had to call the GI doctor’s office late Thursday evening to see if I could take something because there was no way I could make it through to Sunday when I start my actual bowel prep. They said yes, I took something, and it hardly helped at all.

Are you aware that there’s a guy on Reddit (which I almost never read unless it’s a link from somewhere and even then it’s rare) who didn’t poop for a month and then posted about his “ordeal”? OMG, it’s both hilarious and horrendous. Don’t go look it up because there are links to pictures (which I didn’t look at), and lots of advice and a (supposed) doctor who urges the guy to go to the ER. The end result is that he goes to the hospital and eventually goes home and is fine. But there were thousands of people checking in to see if the “poop guy” had actually pooped.

I spent too much time on the internet Thursday and Friday.

Friday I finally had some relief (at the expense of more pain than I would have liked), but of course Friday night and today I’ve been feeling the effects of the milk of magnesia I took Thursday night. And since I’m expecting to start a bowel prep Sunday late afternoon, I figured I might as well eat light yesterday and today. Maybe it will make things a bit easier Sunday night and Monday morning. But the lack of food has been challenging, in that I feel cold and tired and anxious. I’ve been trying to stay hydrated and to eat enough to not feel woozy, but I’ve literally done nothing today. I desperately want to go back to bed, but if I don’t at least try to stay awake and move around, I’ll never sleep tonight.

I’m also worrying about why I ended up so damn constipated, because that was the absolute worst. I don’t know how people deal with that on a regular basis, for those who have IBD and Chron’s and such. I am afraid that this might continue to happen to me–because I can’t pinpoint WHY it happened this time, my diet has been pretty much the same for months–and I don’t know how I could handle it. On top of all the other stuff in my medical life…

I’m concerned about the actual procedure as well as the prep. They’re going to be putting me under anesthesia, which is scary to me. And of course the test could result in problems if they screw something up. And then the results of the test could bring up issues that will need to be dealt with in some way. All of this is is settling in on me and making me anxious. I talked to T about this stuff at my appointment yesterday, but I was feeling less distressed then than I am now. Of course, I’m a day closer and I’ve had nothing to do today except think. I have tried distracting myself with TV and watching some videos on Youtube, but I’m at a point where it’s not working anymore. I’m also vacillating between feeling hot and cold, for no reason…except maybe the lack of food. Also, it’s 35 degrees out and windy, so the weather isn’t helping, especially when I have to take the dogs out.

To add insult… Hub has some friends over to hang out. When they stopped to eat lunch, Hub told me he “wasn’t feeling right”, which scares me. He didn’t know what it was or why, but it was enough for him to check his blood pressure (which was a bit low for him) and his pulse (which was a little high for him, but he was feeling anxious). About an hour ago he reported in that he was feeling pretty much the same as earlier. So now I’m worrying about me and the prep and the test AND worrying about him.

I just want the test to be over.

 

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Next up in our schedule

The ceremony yesterday went as I expected for the most part. Hub and I–and one of my brothers–stood right with my dad, in case he had an issue during the service. He really shook like a leaf the whole time, so I was grateful that Hub was there right behind me and Dad in case Dad fell or fainted or whatever. Our Rabbi was the only one who spoke, and he said very nice things about Mom…he’s known us for more than 45 years, and he was especially close with my parents for the last twenty or so since my mother served on his temple’s board for many years in several different capacities. In addition to her attending services weekly after my grandfather died. He also read a poem, which I think is kind of a standard poem for funerals, even though this technically wasn’t a funeral.

After the short service was over, I stood at the headstone for a few minutes. While I was there, my brother (the same as above) came back over and sat in one of the chairs that the cemetery provided us. I went over and sat with him (after asking if he wanted to be alone, which he said no), and after a few minutes my father came back, as did my other two brothers and my SIL. We kind of sat there quietly for a few minutes…some of us crying and some of us not.

After about another five minutes, we left Dad at the headstone for a moment and the rest of us moved a distance away. When he joined us, we left and went home to eat lunch with everyone.

The lunch was fine at Dad’s house. We mostly did a buffet style, so it was easy enough to just put stuff out and then congregate at the extended table in the dining room. When everyone but my siblings and SIL left, we hung out for a while until my father ended up falling asleep in his recliner. Then Hub and I went home for the rest of the afternoon. We went back last night to say good-bye to my out-of-town brother and SIL, as they were flying home early this morning.

I don’t feel any differently about my loss. The Rabbi kept telling me that with the passing of this ceremony, maybe my father would find some closure and his depression would lift and he’d be doing better. I don’t think that’s going to be the case for Dad. Mostly because I don’t see Mom’s passing any differently on the other side of the ceremony. It doesn’t change the day-to-day living without her. Not for me, anyway.

Now that we have passed that…milestone?…, I have to move on to things that are waiting for me. One of which is a colonoscopy. Next Monday. I was having some mild stomach issues–that mostly resolved after my PCP appointment–that my primary sent me onward to a gastro doctor. The gastro doctor talked to me about my cancer history, which puts me at higher risk for both breast and colon cancer (which I knew, which was why I went to my PCP right away), and he suggested a colonoscopy. He said it was better safe then sorry, and indicated that if all was well and I didn’t have issues, I could go ten years until my next one. Normally you get a colonoscopy starting at 50, but again because of my history, he wanted to go ahead and do it now. It’s probably nothing major going on, but I don’t want to let anything go, so I’m getting the test.

Sadly, the part that worries me the most is the prep. I hated the surgery prep that I had to do twice in three months for my hysterectomy and then oopharectomy last year. The gastro doctor prescribed a different type of prep–so no gatorade, thankfully–but surgery prep is still really uncomfortable and tiring and anxiety-inducing. The procedure itself will include propofol, so I shouldn’t remember anything. I had that with my other surgeries and they were right, I don’t remember shit after they said “count backwards from 10” and the last number I remember was 9.

I’m also worried about the recovery in the days following. With my physical issues and pain issues, I am sure I’ll be uncomfortable after. I only hope I’ll be recovered in time to go to my in-laws for the holidays.

Coming up after that are appointments for my 18-month follow-up with my oncologist, Le Moo’s yearly “senior” vet visit (and buying lots of dog pills for both dogs), and then my mammo. I also have to get in to get my eyes checked and see the dentist, but I’m saving those for after my mammo.

Life keeps going on…

 

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It might be nothing

Or it might be something. She literally said this to us. “It might be nothing. Or it might be something.”

So my  option is MRI or needle biopsy. I asked her for her preference, she said it could go either way. Needle biopsy only checks that one spot, so other things might be missed. MRI could show more stuff that might potentially be benign but end up requiring further investigation to find out such. As in, false positives.

I had so hoped to hear “Enh, it’s nuthin’. Nice to meet you. Off you go!” I guess they really don’t do that these days.

So now I wait to hear from their scheduler to set up the MRI. And of course, she’s out today. If I don’t hear from her by mid-afternoon tomorrow, I’ll call the office.

I’m not keen on MRIs. The last one I had, I was in the emergency room, and I got ativan both in pill form and intravenously to help with the anxiety. This time the doctor prescribed valium–two pills, one an hour before, the other when I get there if needed–in case I feel I need it. I’m not sure I’d be able to take it. The doctor said the MRI for breasts is different than a regular MRI, in that you are lying on your stomach and your boobs hang through the table. WTH.

So I didn’t get what I had hoped for. And for the moment, what I have is more waiting.

And our a/c froze up again yesterday morning (refrigerant leak that no one can find which means for the past 3+ years we’ve had to recharge our system 2x each summer), so I had to sleep in the family room on the couch. Upstairs felt like outside (90 degree heat index yesterday all day) and I couldn’t breathe just going up there to brush my teeth and change my clothes. The couch was pretty horrendous, so I barely slept. Yet another HVAC company came out to try to seal the system and recharge it again. And they put dye into the system in case the sealant doesn’t work. More $$ out the damn door on this stupid HVAC system.

Ugh.

 

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CT Scan follow-up

I had my CT Scan for my one year post-cancer follow up about two weeks ago. I had my appointment with my gyn onc a week ago. It feels like longer.

I had a chest, abdomen and pelvis scan, adding in the chest because of a cough I’ve had. I assume(d) the cough is from my allergies, but I figured as long as I was going in I might as well just be sure. I was also supposed to get checked for kidney issues–as per my urologist–but it didn’t quite work out the way I expected.

I went in with my forms and told them I was getting checked for kidney stones in addition to my cancer check. This was post-barium-drinking. The woman at the front desk frowned at me and said that the barium screws up their ability to see kidney stones most of the time, so she shoved the prescription back at me. I asked her to go ahead and send the films to the urologist anyway. Why didn’t anyone tell me about this issue? But the urologist knew my gyn onc wanted with and without contrast, so she had to know it wouldn’t be the best view. Besides which, I think she knew I didn’t have stones, but this was a CYA kind of thing. Btw, I never heard back from her after the scan. Joy.

If you saw my ct scan post (linked above), you may have seen my comments on the post. I survived the scan (obviously) with residual pain and feelings of BLECH. I actually got my written report the day after the scan, but without commentary from my doctor. Just the report showed up. It was not remarkable, with the exception of some finding of soft tissue in the center of my chest area, which was declared as possibly “thymic rebound”. WTF is that? I did a NO-NO and looked it up, which actually resulted in very little information. So I messaged my gyn onc, who basically told me to take it up with my primary, as it was outside his expertise. He otherwise called my CT Scan as NED. I am a bit distressed that this scan didn’t mention views of my lymph nodes like the first one did after diagnosis, but I’m hoping that means they were not remarkable (and not that they didn’t bother looking…)

I contacted my primary doctor’s office and she’s out of the country until the end of July. That’s more than 3 weeks away, so I asked for someone else to review the report (because I don’t think they actually get to see the images). The interim doctor said it didn’t look like anything concerning, but I should see my primary upon her return. WTF.

So while I was sitting around waiting for THAT to happen, a relative suggested I get a second opinion on my ct scan images. I didn’t even realize that was possible, but back to Google I went. Turns out there are places online that will allow you to send them your images and have another trained and licensed radiologist read them. I had to pay on my own, but I wanted to get it done ASAP, so I forked over the cash (it wasn’t actually that bad, in the grand scheme of things). After some issues with uploading and getting them the clinical history they needed, they read my images. I got a written report about five days later (including a weekend).

Good news, the soft tissue was “without clinical concern” and was “minimal residual thymus”. The thymus is apparently an organ that is in use only before your immune system is developed, then it shrinks away to almost nothing. Sometimes when you go through chemo, radiation, surgery, or some other major issue, the thymus regrows to help your immune system, then shrinks away again. Since I’ve not had a chest ct before, I guess there was nothing to compare it to. Anyway, that was all good.

You see it coming, though, don’t you?

There is some asymmetric nodular tissue in the right breast axillary tail region compared to the left which is nonspecific.

Unh. I had my mammogram in February, with no notation of issues. I know there was something in my first mammo that they immediately followed up with using ultra-sound. That was then noted in my charts, but it was supposed to be benign. The wording is a bit different on this second opinion report (of course it IS a CT versus a mammo, so…). So I figured it was the same issue as before, but sent the second opinion to my gyn onc anyway, asking if I needed to follow-up somehow. After no response for several days, I sent another message today asking for a response.

The response was, “this isn’t my area of expertise, but here are three breast surgeons we regularly refer to”.

Cue uprising of anxiety and distress. Cue Googling the phrases in the ct report. Cue seeking some place of numbness.

Cancers based in estrogen “travel in packs” said my gyn onc upon my original diagnosis over a year ago. Breast cancer is one of those in the pack. The only history of breast cancer I know about in my family is pretty limited…supposedly my paternal grandmother had it, around 50-years-old, but my dad doesn’t remember details. My mother thought my grandmother had a mastectomy, but we have no way of confirming that.

So I messaged my previous gyno, who is in my area (my gyn onc and his suggested breast surgeons are all at least an hour away) to see if they can recommend someone I can see here locally. It’s only been about an hour since I sent that message, so I haven’t heard back. They might not be interested in responding because I haven’t been back to them since pre-surgery.

I am not having a panic attack. I am anxious and concerned. I am unhappy. I am fearful. And I am angry.

I don’t quite know what to do with myself at the moment. I had hoped writing about it would help. So far, it has not.

 

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Some days it feels too hard

Le Moo likes to hang out in our partially unfinished basement. We don’t know why…if it’s the cold concrete floors, the darkness, or the general idea that she gets to sleep uninterrupted down there. We have a baby gate on our steps that we try to keep closed when we’re not down there, otherwise she goes downstairs and refuses to come back up unless there’s food involved. Unfortunately, sometimes Hub goes downstairs for something (it’s sort of his man-cave) and Le Moo follows. Then when we finally get her back upstairs, if Hub forgets to close the baby gate (it’s set up down half a flight of stairs around a corner out of sight) then Le Moo will just kind of disappear and we’ll have to go searching for her.

So she was down in her lair this morning and it was time for their lunch, so I’m yelling and yelling for her–sometimes she’s a hard sleeper–while I’m putting together their food. I turn around and I see her in the hallway at the top of the stairs and I’m like “you lazy cow”… and then I realize she’s limping. And my heart sinks.

We adopted Le Moo in the fall of 2011, and from what I remember, she was about 3  1/2 years old at the time. We’re at about 4 1/2 years from that time, so she’s about eight years old. She’s 95lbs (ish…we’re working on getting some weight off of her, even though we’ve never been able to accomplish that in the last 4+ years), and we think she’s a large breed dog. Large breed dogs have shorter life spans than their smaller counterparts. Le Moo is the twilight of her life. She’s had these limps on and off through her entire time with us, and our vet has never found anything. Despite Le Moo’s stature, she can haul ass when she wants to, and she’s prone to po-go’ing when she sees a bird or some other critter she wants to chase outside the fence. We’ve never gotten the po-go’ing on camera, but it’s pretty amazing the amount of air that she can get when in flight. Most of the time, the limp resolves, probably because she strained something when running or jumping. It’s wholly possible this limp, too, will resolve. I sat on the floor and checked her feet, paws, toes, leg, elbow, etc. She didn’t show any distress and I found nothing.

After the initial alarm, I’ve left her to rest on her own. Now I’ve been interrupted by the request to go outside. I took the opportunity during Le Moo’s snooze on the deck to inspect her paw and I have found a sore. I thought there was something on her pad and I pulled it off but it felt like…a sticker (as in a piece of paper with glue on it). But now there’s a sore left behind, which explains the limping. I’ve contacted the vet to see if we need to do anything other than keep it clean, but there’s not much we can do with a foot,  you know?

Anyway, after the initial alarm and the back and forth with Hub about what was going on, I told him If there was any reason for me not to get another dog in the future, it’s the worry and anxiety I get over them. It’s so hard to be worried all the time. He said he understood, but that they give us so much back, it’s worth it. I said, Some days it feels too hard. Some days it does. Le Moo is in her golden years. I can’t even fathom the idea of losing her, especially after losing SP. Butthead has been throwing up on and off, not to mention her ACL replacement and ensuing second surgery AND ensuing limping issues. I go to sleep every night and wake up every morning wondering if Butthead has gotten sick. We don’t know why she’s throwing up, and it’s sporadic and hard to figure out. We’ve put her on digestive enzymes in case it is acid reflux or tummy issues, and we have pepcid on hand at our vet’s recommendation if the enzymes don’t work. But it’s more worry for me. More anxiety. These I need like a hole in the head.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my dogs. I love my dogs more than I love most of the people in my life. I can’t imagine my life without them. I couldn’t imagine life without SP or life without my parents’ dogs over the years (their current, Cray-cray Lab, is limping and we don’t know why…sigh). But the stress over caring for them and worrying for them is tough. How do I balance it? How do I manage it?

How do I handle the ache that keeps settling into me knowing that Le Moo is aging…and that one day she’ll be gone? How do I not sit in this chair and cry?

 

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