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Category Archives: adverse reactions

Pill expedition update

I have been SO tired that mustering the energy to post about how tired I am was nigh on impossible. Obviously, since I haven’t blogged about it for a couple of days. Along with the no energy portion of the game, I’ve been dealing with an overwhelming feeling of….blah.

I had my session with T today, and of the 60 minute session, I suspect I spent about 15-20 minutes of it sighing and saying how BLAH and tired I felt, often rubbing my eyes like a two-year-old who missed her nap. T offered to end the session early, but I didn’t want to waste my WHOLE session with her. I only see her every other week, and I felt like I had things I wanted to talk about. Partway through two different conversations–that I started–I stared at her and admitted I had completely lost my train of thought. She reminded me this had a direct cause–the progesterone–and that it had a time limit. I told her I was having flashbacks to my prilosec fever, and again she reiterated that this had a clear and distinct cause, and that I could finish the two days I still had. That I needed to just wait it out.

I’ve had thoughts flitting through my head a lot these days. You know, like they tell you not to let things take hold and push you into anxiety? Don’t ruminate on things, don’t obsess, don’t chew on stuff. I said it was getting really weird for me because stuff will pop into my head and I’ll shoo it away like a gnat. So I feel like stuff is whizzing in and out of my head at top speed. So–after telling me that having all those gnats flying around all the time must drive me crazy–she asked me to NOT shoo them away and instead take one and deal with it using all the tools in my box. On my belt? Whichever phrase you’d prefer to use I guess. To take the thought and bring it to its full conclusion…which we did together. But my point for blogging about this? First they tell you to NOT concentrate on the thoughts, then they tell you to concentrate on the thoughts. WTF. No wonder we’re all a little crazy, right? LOL

That’s all I have for today, I guess. I’m still hanging on to those cramps and the headache. The dry eyes are better but not completely resolved. The exhaustion is clearly still on me. Two more pills. Then whatever comes next.

(Oh, on a completely different note, I had a nightmare last night about being bitten in the face by a vampire bat. WTF?? I woke myself up with muffled screaming. Yay.)

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Today’s pill update

Well, good news. The cramps are only at a dull hum today. I slept horribly last night (again), but today I got to keep the heating pad on my back to quell that achy feeling…which later turned into some minor spasms. Fun!

The headache remains with me, though, as do the dry eyes. I have been avoiding wearing my glasses because I thought I would rest my eyes because of the headache, but I kind of suspicion that I was squinting which actually contributed to the headache. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

My PVCs have been buggin’ me again these last few days. Not that they went away, but they seem to be bloopier. I tried to explain to the doctor that they felt like that bubbling up you hear/see in a fishtank? Blooooo-op! So yeah, they’ve been bloopier. And more frequent, more on top of each other. More frustrating, more annoying, more anxiety-inducing.

On top of all that is this fatigue. The weakness and fatigue are really pressing on me. It feels like how I felt back when I was on the prilosec and in the “fever” of it. At that time I was under-nourished and under-hydrated. I’m paying very close attention to my water intake and making sure I eat a normal amount. I’m even watching to make sure I eat enough protein. But still, I feel exhausted by 2pm, and end up doing much of nothing all afternoon. Dinner is a struggle, and then I come up to bed until it’s time to sleep. Or at least attempt to sleep.

I swallow another pill shortly. I wonder how long after the pills end until I start feeling more normal energy-wise.

 

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Hey, good news

Apparently crying is almost as helpful to dry eyes as BLINK tears are. Woo.

I’m still dealing with the stupid cramps and fatigue–which the CRNP has confirmed are both side effects of the progesterone–but yesterday came on a new side effect. DRY EYES. Dry eyes that are also feeling bruised. WTF. So I emailed the CRNP this morning to see if this is a regular side effect and she said NO. I don’t believe her, but whatev. Just because it ain’t listed on the paperwork doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen to lots of people. The problem is, so far, the BLINK tears in a bottle I have aren’t really doing much long-term. So after hearing from the CRNP this morning about it “not being a side effect”, I cried because I’m tired and frustrated and in pain. I feel weak and fatigued and angry…and crampy goddamit! and now this? Really?

The CRNP suggested I take up to 800mg of Ibuprofin to help with the cramps. No go for me because Ibuprofin screws with my stomach. I take NO otc products because of stomach issues and medication sensitivities. So I’m living with the heating pad (wish I had two, one of the front and one for the back…my back is so achy and tired) and trying to remember my yoga-for-pms poses. Also, heating pad means I’m getting warm all the time, and my ability to self-regulate my temperature sucks. So it’s 32 degrees out and I have the ceiling fan going with the heating pad on me. *sigh* Did I mention the headache, too?

I’ve had PMS before. I’ve had really shitty episodes and some not-so-bad episodes. But I don’t remember them going on consistently every hour of every day for this many days and nights (so far).

I feel so whiny and pathetic. But truthfully, I feel whiny and pathetic.

So let me go back to my heating pad and count again the number of pills left in that damn bottle.

 

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Pills a poppin’

So follow-up to my poppin’ pills post, I popped the first pill. I SKIMMED the leaflet that came with the pills, then made Hub read it, because even skimming it upset me. Then Hub came up to the bedroom (which is where I retire to after dinner most nights) to stay with me while I started my pill escapade. That was 2 1/2 hours ago. He left me here alone (he went downstairs) about an hour ago. I’m sitting with my heating pad because all my muscles hurt. I’m sure it’s not the pills, it’s how I handled the stress of taking the pills. My entire body was tense, I can feel the after-affects of it. Everything hurts. About an hour in, I couldn’t take it anymore and I asked Hub to retrieve the heating pad from the family room because my arms and shoulder and neck were all killing me (and I cried at this point, too). I was shifting around a lot on the mattress, which I do when I’m anxious. And I was putting weight on my arms and shoulders to do that….and I was sitting hunched over which hurt my back and neck and shoulders.

I’m still in pain. I still feel restless and anxious. I tried to use the techniques I know to keep myself from going over the edge, but I don’t think they were entirely successful. Especially considering the shifting and the pain. My hands really hurt, too, which I’m noticing as I’m typing. Hands and arms. I’m not sure how I’m going to sleep, as I’m still feeling somewhat edgy. And of course the pain isn’t helping. I’ve already asked Hub if there was muscle pain on the leaflet, but he said not general muscle pain. More to the tune of leg pain, which I would assume is liken to blood clot type pain. See, even now I can feel my legs tensing. It sucks. I’m stuffy from crying, my whole body hurts, and I’m warm from the heating pad and edgy from anxiety. I don’t know how I’m going to sleep. I still feel like any minute I could have some kind of adverse reaction or side effect. I’m still anxious.

For some stupid-ass pills. Stupid-ass pills that hundreds of thousands of probably millions of women have taken and survived without injury or harm. And right at this moment, at least I can count myself among those who have taken the pills and come out the other side.

At least, the first of ten times. Ugh.

 

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Poppin’ pills

I don’t mean to be glib, please don’t take it that way. I just couldn’t think of another title for this post.

I have to take some pills. I’m extremely sensitive to pills. I hate taking pills. I take next to nothing at this point in my life because of my sensitivities. I take almost nothing OTC and nothing prescribed (no one has requested me to take rx meds these days for anything medical). I’ve taken anti-biotics when necessary, and I only take the z-pack because I know the repercussions of that…and even then I make Hub sit (and stay for about an hour) with me when I take the first pill. Taking medication gives me very high anxiety. I still have no idea how I forced myself into taking the digestive enzymes and probiotic pills I take daily.

So as per a previous post, I’ve been to a new gynecologist. She requested blood work–which I gave on Monday afternoon and the results were back already on Tuesday morning, WTF?–and all came back normal. I’m waiting on the good ole pap smear, but what the CRNP really wants is for me to get an ultrasound (outy and inny, for those of you in the know) to check my lady innards. I know she’s going to find fibroids, that isn’t new. But the other thing she wants to check on is the lining of my uterus. Previous tests have shown that to be “thick” — which shouldn’t be terribly surprising, considering my crazy cycle. This is the first time, though, that the doctor (or CRNP) has wanted to force a cycle before putting me through the tests. In fact, two of the previous times I’ve had the test, the doctor has pulled me directly from the exam appointment and right into the ultrasound test. So anyway, the issue that remains is that I gotta take progesterone to force a period. I’ve taken P before–over 20 years ago?? Maybe-ish…and I actually don’t recall it working. I don’t recall much about it, actually. That was back before I really struggled so much with anxiety. Now, I struggle with anxiety, and I struggle a ton with health anxiety. And I am entirely paranoid about pills. I have to be on these pills for 10 days. Generally, once I get over the first day (or two), I’m okay. That first day is a kicker.

I’m trying not to think about it between now and when I start taking them (probably Thursday evening). We were waiting a little bit to see if I started a cycle on my own, based on my exam (sorry, TMI) and some physical symptoms I’ve been having. But so far, no luck. And at this point, I’m pretty sure I’ll be needing the pills. Prior years, I suspect I would have just ignored the pills and not followed up with the doctor. Now, after my mother’s issues…I’m going to push myself to deal with the pills. I wish I had an appointment with T this week, but no such luck. I’ll have to work through this with the knowledge I have.

Anyone do progesterone pills? Want to give me any words of wisdom? I had asked the CRNP, and all she said was it’ll make me grumpy. WTF, that’s not what I was trying to find out. I got the prescription and all the fantastic paperwork that comes with it…and I skimmed it, but I’m afraid to read it. Anyone?

 

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Doin’ the back step

I had a terrible weekend. I was running out of my digestive enzyme pills, and in an effort to not have to buy my pills from the nutritionist that I haven’t seen in months, I went to the internet and bought a new type of pill. Don’t get me wrong, I researched as best I could, and thought I settled on something. I knew I’d have an issue changing pills, because, well, pills. I don’t take new thing easily…and in fact usually end up with major anxiety over it. I have two different pill bottles (at least) from the nutritionist that I never took because I couldn’t force myself past the anxiety. But the digestive enzymes…I need those for my heartburn. I’ve tried stopping them and I’ve even tried skipping them now and then…and even reducing to once a day instead of twice just to stretch the number of pills. I haven’t been successful at any of that, so I know I need the pills.

The new pills came, and I waited until Saturday to take them, since I knew I’d be home and Hub would be home with me. I took the damn pills with lunch and had what I would call mild anxiety afterward. But I pressed through and took the pill again with dinner. Saturday night I slept horribly, had dreams every time I closed my eyes, and woke up feeling crappy. Not necessarily news for me, but something felt off. But I knew I had to try again, else I’d be giving in again to my anxiety. So Sunday I repeated the pill process and ignored the mild anxiety that came along with it. But Sunday night, right around the time to go to sleep, I started feeling nauseous. Which kept me up and pushed me into more anxiety. I started feeling bad, I couldn’t sleep, I kept getting up to go to the bathroom. I didn’t sleep well. This morning I laid in bed while Hub went to take care of the dogs and their morning rituals. By the time he was ready to have his breakfast, I’d already called down to the kitchen via our telephone intercom and asked Hub to work from home. He immediately said yes, no problem, which was instant relief of sorts. But he came up to shower and after his shower, I told him what was going on. That I felt nauseous and sick and like there was something wrong. Even though I’d spent hours this morning already trying to talk myself out of the anxiety sitting on my shoulders. Hub sat with me on the bed and I told him everything I was dealing with. Then I got up to go to the bathroom and I felt the shaking start. When I came back to bed, I told him I almost wanted the panic attack to happen and be over with, except that I hate panic attacks…that they are scary and tiring and make me feel weak and like I’ve lost all the progress I’ve made over the last 2 years in therapy. He tried to remind me that this was a blip in the road, not a complete fallback. I sat and shook and cried and he let me.

I still feel nauseous. I still am worried that maybe THIS is the time that something is really wrong with me. That I’m spending time talking myself out of being anxious when really there IS something wrong THIS TIME.

Hub has taken care of the dogs, taken care of me, and is now napping next to me. I’m still awake, still feeling crappy, and still anxious. The big panic attack never came–but the smallish one was bad enough thankyouverymuch–but I’m so not over this hump yet. I emailed the nutritionist to ask her if she had any of the pills in stock–I only have TWO left–and I’ll just have to count the new pills as a loss. I can’t stomach the thought of trying them again and having it really be the pills that did all this to me (versus some other origin).

I don’t like being this way. I don’t want to do this again and again. I’ve been able to conquer so much of my anxiety, why can’t I conquer this health anxiety? What is holding me back? T is now concentrating on my disconnectedness and my inability to process some emotions (or let those emotions out). I’m going to have to figure out how to smush in this health anxiety, too. T thought it wasn’t going to be something I could get beyond, but I need to try. Although I have been able to get past it some of the time, other times it’s overwhelmed me. I want to get past ALL of it.

 

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Post history

I feel crappy. I like to lead with the good stuff, ya know?

I feel nauseous and my stomach is unhappy and I’m exhausted and stuff hurts. Like, multiple parts of my body. All this is POST massage. TWO days post massage, no less.

When I finished with PT, I promised myself I would get in to see the massage therapist I had met a year ago through my PT group. I remember her as being kind and knowledgeable, and I knew she spent years as a PT, so she’d be good at working on my trigger points. I did remember that I came away from the appointment with a headache, but I thought it was because I didn’t hydrate. So I tried to be prepared this time…

I remember the good parts of the massage…it felt great while she was working on me. She found lots of trigger points and worked several of them out. Others she softened, but didn’t want to spend the whole hour on them, so she had to leave it at that. I felt good immediately after the massage as I was dealing with payment and chatting with her. But by the time I made it to my car and was on the road home, I felt foggy and blurry. I felt on the verge of tears and I really wanted to go lay down. I felt nauseated. I got home, let the dogs out, peed (which I had to do desperately) and then I drank half a glass (32 ounce up) of water. I ate lunch. I felt slightly better.

Since that point, I’ve felt like shit. The nausea has not subsided, I’ve had muscle pain and I’ve had anxiety. My stomach is still unhappy, no matter what I do or don’t eat. I didn’t sleep last night AT ALL because I felt so crappy and I was bordering on an anxiety attack. I laid in bed and listened to music all night, trying not to give in the anxiety, but I didn’t sleep. Which is just as bad as actually having an anxiety attack…maybe worse, because not sleeping heightens my anxiety. Nausea heightens my anxiety, and the fact that I had the chills, but was hot, but was cold, and felt flushed, also didn’t help. All of this activated my health anxiety (heart attack…) It stinks. I tried to fight it today, and I went out briefly with my mother, but gave in after lunch and went upstairs to try to lay down for a while. That made no difference, but after a short trip downstairs, I ended up back upstairs in bed. I don’t want to give in, but I’m tired and I just want to feel better, and my bed is my safe place. So I came up to sit in bed while hub heated up some leftovers for me to try to eat. And while I was waiting, I went hunting through my blog right around this time last year, which is when I saw the massage therapist the first time. I was almost positive that I had blogged about my experience, and I wanted to know how long it took before I felt better. A day, two? Four? Today is the 2nd full day post-massage.

I finally found it. And what is too funny, is that I was thinking about using that same title for today’s post…I’m nothing if not consistent. Anyway, I re-read the post, then checked the next couple of posts to see how long I felt poorly. It was a similar experience this time to the first time, with the exception that last time it was a headache but this time it was this nausea. I don’t know if the release of so many trigger points at once (and other muscles) released some toxins into my systems that is making me feel crappy, but who knows. Hopefully I’ll start to feel better tomorrow. In the meantime, I’m TRYING to be kind to myself, and remember that giving into the anxiety is not weakness, it’s a learning experience. And no matter if I do get anxious, there will be a new day to follow where I will be okay.

Meanwhile, anyone else have this kind of experience with massages? Or trigger point release? It sucks, because I KNOW I need to keep up with the trigger points, but dealing with this multiple day crappy feeling really stinks. I mean, who else but me would have an adverse reaction to a MASSAGE?!

 

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