Three years behind me

25 Jul

I had my bi-annual oncology appointment yesterday. As far as the doctor is concerned, he saw no problems. I have to set up my annual CT scan to confirm, which I will do in the next couple of weeks I hope.

Last night as I was getting ready for bed…brushing my teeth, I started crying. I miss my mother. This kind of news is something I would have shared with her on the phone from the car right after the appointment. Also, it is a milestone she never got to reach…three years post diagnosis. She died almost two years to the day she was diagnosed.

It’s like I keep finding new reasons to grieve all over again.


12 responses to “Three years behind me

  1. marianallen

    July 25, 2018 at 11:01 am

    Yes. This. I’ll tell you what: I’m about ready to air-phone my mother and share things with her I can’t share anymore. With my friend Jane, too. I take pictures, thinking, “Jane would love this!” or “Mom will get a kick out of this!” I’m about done with my heart breaking when I realize …. So maybe I’ll just share them with them in my heart and in my imagination. SO not the same, but….

    • meANXIETYme

      July 25, 2018 at 11:06 am

      Sometimes it surprises me how much the grief surprises me. It’s like I forget to expect it and so it’s even worse…

      • marianallen

        July 25, 2018 at 11:13 am

        Freshly bereft. Sometimes out of nowhere. And then I’m glad of it, because it means I haven’t forgotten. I’d rather hurt than forget.

      • meANXIETYme

        July 25, 2018 at 11:15 am

        I hope that someday the hurt part won’t be so hard. Or maybe that the memories will be more happy than hurty.

      • marianallen

        July 25, 2018 at 11:28 am

        I hope the same for all us heart-hurty ones.

      • meANXIETYme

        July 25, 2018 at 11:28 am


    • joey

      July 25, 2018 at 6:30 pm

      I write letters to my father. Sometimes I set his ashes down and talk to him. Air phone is probably better.

      • meANXIETYme

        July 25, 2018 at 6:32 pm

        I’ve not written letters and I’m kind of surprised that the thought didn’t come to me to do so. But I do talk to her.

  2. joey

    July 25, 2018 at 6:32 pm

    I am so glad you got great news, and so sad you didn’t get to share it with your mom.
    Feeling all the feelings is very hard on a person. Take care of yourself ❤

    • meANXIETYme

      July 25, 2018 at 6:34 pm

      Thanks, Joey. I know it’s good news and I will take some time to appreciate that. It’s important to acknowledge the good.

  3. April

    July 26, 2018 at 10:00 am

    It’s great to hear you have an all clear! I always have to let it sink in for a couple of days making sure I didn’t miss something while talking to the doctor and asking questions. My dad has been gone for ten years and I still ask him to give me strength to make it through whatever is ahead.

    • meANXIETYme

      July 26, 2018 at 10:13 am

      Thanks! I do the same, reviewing the conversation to make sure he didn’t say something I missed or misunderstood.
      I do the same with my mom. I ask her to watch over me and my family when things are happening. 💕


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