Sick and fragile

02 Jan

I’ve been MIA, but not because I wanted a blogging break. Not because I wanted to stop reading social media, or reading books, or crocheting, or using my laptop or iPad or phone.

I’ve been sick. Sick to the point that I was initially bed-ridden, mostly house-bound, and unable to function. It has been close to hell-on-earth. It’s an experience I had hoped to never have again, but the universe doesn’t seem to give a shit about my hopes.

In mid-October on a Saturday, I went to the local Renaissance Faire with Hub, Brother#2 (B2), my MIL, and Hub’s aunt. We were there for most of the day…it was overcast and mostly mild, though I went prepared with a mini-fan hanging around my neck. I haven’t been to the RenFaire in years, mostly because it’s the same acts and shops year after year. Hub likes to go and it’s one of the few times he gets to spend time alone with his mother, so I encourage him/them to go on their own. This year, though, B2 was in town and he expressed interest in going. I didn’t want him to have to go “alone” and I didn’t want him to feel obligated to follow Hub and his mom & aunt around, so I went.

By the time we were ready to leave, I was exhausted from walking around. I’d eaten very little, drunk nothing, and once in the car realized that not only was my body painful and weary, but I had a huge headache. On the car home, the headache turned to migraine (which I seldom get actual migraine headaches), with the fun of light and sound sensitivity. When we finally got home, I took two Tylenol (I never takes meds), drank almost an entire bottle of water, then went to bed. The next day I felt okay, but Monday I started feeling worse. The headache was back, the light and sound sensitivity were back, and I was nauseated. Again I took two Tylenol and went to bed…for most of the day. Then Tuesday I had a vertigo attack that included nystagmus. If you are not familiar…nystagmus definition. This is a factual definition. Emotionally, nystagmus is hellatious, makes you feel sick, keeps you from being able to stand, move, or even see properly. It’s terrifying. TERRIFYING. Add that to the spinning of vertigo and…I can’t even.

For the next six weeks, I had periods of vertigo and nystagmus added in with the nausea, light and sound sensitivity, headaches, increased tinnitus, and major imbalance. Imbalance to the point that I wasn’t walking on my own…if Hub wasn’t around I had to use a walker or cane. The vertigo and nystagmus came and went without provocation, and there was nothing I could do to stop them, either. I had to wait it out. Sometimes it was just a few minutes worth, sometimes with the nystagmus it went on for hours…once it stayed over 18 hours, through my sleep. I was extremely fatigued, so I basically went to sleep at 8pm and woke at 7am most days. Even when I was awake I was exhausted. I was barely eating anything (and not very balanced foods), and in 3 weeks I lost 20 pounds.

Hub made doctors appointments for me because I couldn’t do anything for myself, including talking on the phone. I went to my primary doctor who said it was a sinus infection and tried to put me on antibiotics. I didn’t believe her so I went to an ENT who said it was migraine and tried to give me a migraine medication. I took half of a pill and within half an hour got nystagmus that lasted for ninety minutes, so I didn’t take it again. Then Hub called the doctor that I had seen in 2004 for what was then diagnosed as Migraine Associated Vertigo (MAV), later the term was changed to Migraine Associated Dizziness. The doctor is one of the few who specializes in neuro-vestibular disorders in the country…his office was scheduling appointments into 2019. Hub pleaded and cajoled with the scheduling office, who contacted the doctor’s staff to indicate that I was a previous patient who was having a bad relapse. Bless Hub, he was one squeaky-ass wheel and he got me in for testing the following week, and then in to see the doctor the week after the tests. Meanwhile, I found a physical therapist who specializes in migraine associated vertigo and we set up appointments for balance retraining therapy.

After the testing (some of which I refused to do because I’d had it before, it was HORRIBLE to go through, and it had been inconclusive in the past — specifically the caloric testing) was completed, I started on the migraine diet (in other words, I stopped eating pretty much anything other than plain homemade protein, plain broccoli and cauliflower, and sweet or white potatoes plain) and began seeing some relief from the vertigo and nystagmus. It was slow, but progressively moving in the right direction. My balance remained bad, but that I could deal with…the nystagmus and vertigo were almost too much to bear. I was horribly depressed, crying a lot, unable to get out of the house, and living in darkness because of the light sensitivity. And every sound made me cringe in pain.

I saw the physical therapist for evaluation. She did a lot more testing than I expected, provoked nystagmus and vertigo, and asked me so many questions. The appointment was almost 90 minutes long…it was crazy. She said it was clear I had a history of motion sickness and balance issues, that my vestibular system was highly sensitive, and that combining that with the potential migraine issues, she couldn’t really pinpoint one reason for my issues. But she thought she could help me with balance retraining for my brain and vestibular system. We set up appointments for the following few weeks and went home. I was beyond exhausted.

Then I went to see the specialist who went through a few more tests, took recent history, and did his exam. He felt confidant that I was experiencing a relapse of the MAV, now called Vestibular Migraine (VM). He gave me printed information, recommended a book (that I’d heard of but never owned) on the migraine and headache diet, then recommended several OTC vitamins. He said if I didn’t see positive progress in 6-8 weeks, we could discuss prescription medications. But he said that since I’d been majorly symptom free for many years, he felt I could get there again with the diet and the vitamins.

I was depressed and exhausted. I was struggling to eat anything because I was afraid it would provoke the vertigo and nystagmus. I began (and am still) over-analyzing every food and food additive…so I basically only eat whole food that we make at home. And I’ve hardly varied yet outside my standard “safe” foods. I had stopped eating salt (in case I had Meniere’s which is salt-induced), and only added that back into my food in the last two weeks. I had stopped eating mayonnaise (which I love) because of all the additives, so we tried to make our own at home with limited ingredients, but it was kind of a disappointment. And I found I didn’t want to put it on much of what I’m eating at the moment, so we haven’t made it again. I tried the magnesium that the doctor recommended, but instead of helping to relax my muscles it actually gave me muscle aches and cramps…so I stopped taking it.

I started using my iPad to check email a few times a day in December. Around the same time I tried crocheting a little at a time. Both provoked my imbalance and rocking/swaying feelings, and made me tired. Only in the last week have I been able to turn on my laptop and use it briefly. Hub has been doing everything, including taking care of the dogs, hiring a dog-walker to handle the dogs when he isn’t home (at work) because I couldn’t, paying all the bills, doing all the shopping…everything. He finally caught a cold and slowed down…so I started trying to do more. Then I caught his cold and I’m still sick now. My brothers have tried to help out here and there. I stayed home for Thanksgiving (Hub made us a turkey breast) and I stayed home while Hub went to his Mom’s for Christmas. I only started wearing my glasses again yesterday, as I was afraid they would make my imbalance worse. Fortunately, my glasses don’t seem to bother me…important because I gotta go get my driver’s license renewed in the next two weeks and I need my glasses for that.

So, here I am, trying to get my life back. And I’ve added in this new fear of food. There have been some issues I won’t talk about, and then on Friday a health incident with my father, which I WILL blog about in a day or two. As for now, I need to get off the laptop because I’m starting to feel rocking/swaying from the screen.


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10 responses to “Sick and fragile

  1. joey

    January 2, 2018 at 9:23 pm

    Holy shit, I’m just glad you’re alive. I was gonna give you a few more weeks and ping you elsewhere, even ping your husband if need be. I kept thinking about you, praying for you. You sent me that book and I went to send a thank-you and couldn’t find the envelope with your address. Then I realized what your last post was and cried, and prayed more, worried it was a goodbye gift. I’m so very sad to read of your struggles and frustration. It sounds hellish and I cannot fathom how incapacitated and anxious you’ve been. BUT I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE STILL HERE. ❤ ❤ ❤
    As you know, I've had both vertigo and migraines, and honey, those are bad enough on their own. What you're going through must be devastating. There are people on disability for this sorta thing. Will you continue with the neuro?
    Is it all neuro from crap in food? OMG I'm so sorry. Just awful, and for so long!
    Please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do, and that is not a polite gesture, I mean it. Anything. I will continue to pray for you. xo

    • meANXIETYme

      January 2, 2018 at 10:08 pm

      I’m sorry to have worried you like that. I really had no idea what my last post was about (I had to go look just now), so I’m sorry for that. I struggled a lot these last months to the point that Hub reached out to my therapist and went with me to a session because he was worried. But the reality for me is that despite the horrible way I was living during the initial stages of this shit…I don’t believe I would take my own life. I continued with my therapist, even doing sessions via Skype when I couldn’t make it into the office.

      I’m still here. I’m surprised at how little anxiety I had with all these issues…except that I’ve been so exhausted that I had no room or energy for the anxiety. Not to say I had NONE…just that when it happened it was mild.

      Yes, the symptoms are all migraine related, and the majority of my triggers are food and food additives related. It’s crazy and frustrating as hell. I miss food so much…but am so afraid of feeling those symptoms again that it overpowers the desire for the food.

      Thanks for your offer. I appreciate the prayers as well. I want to hope for better days but am afraid of the disappointment…

  2. marianallen

    January 3, 2018 at 9:25 am

    Hugs and hugs! I’m so glad you’re getting some relief! Here’s a good home-made mayonnaise recipe that I use a lot: One whole egg, the freshest and most local you can get. Put it in a blender with a little salt and a little powdered mustard. Turn on the blender. when those things are well mixed, open the vent in the blender top and slowly drizzle in one cup of oil (I use olive oil). If you don’t have a vent in the blender top, pour in a few tablespoons, turn the blender back on, stop it and pour in a few more tablespoons. Adding the oil slowly is the key.

    Give that husband of yours a big hug from me. He’s a keeper!

    • meANXIETYme

      January 3, 2018 at 9:30 am

      That’s the exact recipe we used (except we only used yolk) including the extra virgin olive oil! But we had to hand-whisk it because it didn’t emulsify in our little blender thing.

      Thanks for the hugs for me. And I’ll share a hug with Hub, too. He sure is one of the good ones!

      • marianallen

        January 3, 2018 at 10:48 am

        Oh! I forgot! I also put a little lemon juice in the first bunch of stuff. I use a whole egg, and add the oil r-r-e-e-a-a-l-l-l-l-y-y slowly. And I used EVOO, too. Try it again, sometime. One egg, one cup of oil, plus flavory stuff. Blend everything except the oil, add a little oil and blend more, add the rest of the oil ever-so-slowly. Worth it! 🙂

      • meANXIETYme

        January 3, 2018 at 10:57 am

        I can’t do the lemon juice right now cuz it’s a migraine trigger! But next time we’ll use the whole egg.

      • marianallen

        January 3, 2018 at 12:00 pm

        apple cider vinegar? wine vinegar? The sharp is just to cut the oily texture/taste, but I don’t think it’s NECESSARY.

      • meANXIETYme

        January 3, 2018 at 12:17 pm

        I can only do white vinegar. The others are migraine triggers. 😦

      • marianallen

        January 3, 2018 at 12:45 pm

        White would probably do the trick. It’s just to keep the emulsion from cloying.

      • meANXIETYme

        January 3, 2018 at 12:46 pm

        I will give it a go! Thanks.


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