What am I going to do

26 Apr

I’m still feeling lousy. There are days when I barely have the energy to do anything, including feed myself. I force myself to get up, do things, take care of the dogs and myself. In between, I rest. I get outside with the dogs for a 10-20 minute stroll every day around the yard as the weather allows so I am at least moving somewhat. I’ve read a couple of books and I’m trying to do some crocheting in small doses.

But I feel lousy. My imbalance, the nausea, heartburn, fatigue, pain…it’s all still here. Sleeplessness, heat intolerance…I’m hot and cold all the time. Sometimes I feel sweaty when there’s no sweat. Sometimes my hands and feet are sweaty and clammy. Today I have tingling in my fingers and face. And always the pain in various parts of my body. Both shoulders are bad, and for one of them I can’t lift my arm up above shoulder height. I’m eating small amounts of food and feeling full, then feeling hungry again later. Rinse and repeat when I eat again…small amounts of food and feeling full, then hungry again.

Our health insurance doesn’t kick in again until May 1st. Even so, the last time(s) I saw my doctor, she found nothing troubling. It could still be grief. I’m sad a lot, but I’m also exhausted a lot. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m sad or tired. This stuff has all been going on since the beginning of February. It doesn’t seem as if it’s going away…it’s coming up on three months. I can’t imagine it’s just going to disappear anytime soon.

As if I didn’t have enough to think about, the biggest issue looming is that Hub is flying to California soon for his sister’s wedding. He’s going to be gone for five days. And I’m going to be alone, having to take care of myself and the dogs 24/7 for those days. I’m going to be in this big stupid house all by myself, day and night, for five days. I’m going to have to be up early to feed the dogs, and then I’m going to have to be up and alert late to make sure they get out at night before bed. And then I’m going to be alone overnight in the darkness. I haven’t been alone like this since before I first got sick over 17 years ago. The last time Hub traveled–maybe eight years ago–I stayed with my parents with the dog we had at that time so they could help me.

But it’s different now. My mother is gone, and she’s the one who kept everything in line in their house. My heat intolerance is bad and Dad still keeps their house too hot for me, so I’ll feel horrible all day and not sleep at night. Butthead is difficult to keep track of, and I can’t trust my father or my brother to make sure she’s not eating things in the yard late at night or early in the morning.  The friends I have who are local have their own lives, work, families, pets, I can’t ask them to come help me. I considered hiring someone, but having a stranger in the house while I’m here alone is frightening to me. I’ve considered staying up all night and sleeping all day, but the dogs go out multiple times during the day so I’d have to be awake and dressed to do that repeatedly during daylight hours. That means no sleep at night and basically no sleep during the day. I could try to sleep at night but being alone in the house overnight is scary for me and I’m not sure I’ll sleep. Not sleeping will, of course, make everything worse.

This all makes me feel like an invalid. But I’m honestly afraid to be alone 24/7 for five days. I don’t know how I’ll deal with pain and anxiety and exhaustion without any support or reprieve from taking care of the dogs and myself. There are moments when I think I will be able to handle it, and then there are moments when I am positive I won’t be able to handle it. The truth will probably live somewhere in between, in the end. I have avoided thinking about this since February, when Hub bought his tickets, but it’s coming too soon for me to keep pushing it aside.


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4 responses to “What am I going to do

  1. joey

    April 27, 2017 at 9:23 am

    I feel for you. I’ve become to think the pain and suffering of your body has a lot to do with grief and depression. People often blow it off, say “it’s all in your head” but heartache is real and stress can really do a number on us.
    I am not a fan of sleeping alone in any place.
    When my parents were gone “wintering” I developed a host of neuroses about how to sleep safer and more, but I was never good at it.
    When my roommates weren’t home, I wasn’t good at that, either. I’d call my now MIL and she’d stay on the phone with me while I checked the house out.
    When the kids were smaller and The Mister would go away, I’d often hold a sleepover in our room. If I didn’t, I didn’t get much sleep. 😦
    Dog does help. She is a great watchdog. (Kinda why I wanted her.)
    This is something I haven’t had to deal with over the last four years, and I am grateful.
    Big boots by the door, fake man in the living room watchin ESPN, booby traps under windows, furniture in front of the door, sleeping with the cordless and the mobile… you name it, I’ve done it.
    When The Mister talks about living out in the middle of nowhere, all I can say is, “You know that you could never ever leave me alone in the dark, right?”
    Seriously, if I have to be single again, I’d probably get a more fearsome dog and look for roommates.
    Best of luck. ❤

    • meANXIETYme

      April 27, 2017 at 9:56 am

      Butthead barks at everything, so I’m doubtful someone could approach the house if she’s “guarding” at the window downstairs. But we don’t let them out of the bedroom at night for that exact reason…she’ll bark all night at nothing. And I’ll have to lock the bedroom door at night to feel even moderately safe and she won’t want to be locked OUT of the bedroom at night.
      I’m not sure if I’m more afraid of someone breaking into the house or me having some kind of personal issue. Anxiety, exhaustion, medical emergency…
      I just don’t know what I’m going to do.

      • joey

        April 27, 2017 at 6:48 pm

        Check into housesitters? And home care? I really don’t know. :/

      • meANXIETYme

        April 27, 2017 at 6:52 pm

        Yeah, I’ve got both of those on my mind. Thanks.


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