March not better

27 Mar

I thought February was bad. March has been worse.

I’m feeling so shitty, I can’t even. Period. I spend much of my days fighting the nausea and the fatigue…I’m exhausted before I get going. And now…and now, my imbalance is back in a big way. I’m struggling to walk without falling over, and I’m back to touching walls and handrails and tables and whatever in order to keep myself stable. This is a huge slide backward for me, as I haven’t had this kind of imbalance in quite some time.

I went back to the doctor AGAIN because I’m still exhausted and I’m still nauseated. She told me I was acting better this time versus the last visit, but she’s still thinking I have a virus that I need to just “wait out”. She sent me for more blood work (ANA, rheumatoid arthritis, lyme, iron, b12), but everything came back normal. My b12 is a tad on the low side for my history but still in the normal range. I’ve ordered my b12 sublingual pills and will start them ASAP. Maybe it’s that, maybe it’s stress and grief, maybe it’s something else. I have no idea and apparently neither does my doctor. She said to drink more water and walk outside for 20-30 minutes a day. She says dehydration can cause nausea–and maybe it can–but my drinking habits haven’t altered much. Except now I feel like shit and so I don’t want to do anything, including drink. If I go walk outside my allergies will get worse and I’ll have more breathing trouble and more snot and more post-nasal drip and more nausea. The doctor didn’t care for that and told me to do it anyway, that being outside and walking will make me feel better and get rid of my fatigue. I’m not eating much because I’m so nauseated all the time. I rush through eating what I can before I feel like I can’t put anything else in my mouth at both lunch and dinner, then I leave my dishes in the sink and go back to the couch.

I spend most of my days on the couch, barely even bothering to look at my computer. I try to stay upright, but I’m so exhausted all the time that I end up stretched out and wishing that the day was just over. I don’t know why I wish for that because at this point tomorrow will be much of the same. I feel like I’m sliding into this despair of thinking that I’ll never feel better. That it will always be like this. I am trying to push past the exhaustion and do stuff–I did three loads of laundry on Sunday–in the hopes that if I ignore what’s going on it will go away. But by the time I do anything, I feel this crushing fatigue again and I end up on the couch. Or in bed.

Sleeping is a negatory. I try to sleep but it doesn’t work, and when I wake up in the morning I can hardly haul myself out of bed. I don’t feel rested or refreshed or like I even closed my eyes. I want to cry but I’m too fucking tired to cry.

I was supposed to go see my massage therapist on the 14th but our local snow canceled that appointment. I was also scheduled to go tomorrow morning, but I literally got an email at 9:30pm saying she’s sick and has to cancel. And for sure I’m grateful because I do NOT want to get sick and it sounds like she has the flu, but I’m so disappointed. For one thing, I was hoping some trigger point release would help with my imbalance and nausea (hoping, though not confident)…for another thing, getting onto her schedule is a bitch and even though I rushed I struggled to get back onto her calendar. It’ll be two weeks before I can get back in to see her, which might not be horrible because if she DOES have the flu I wouldn’t want to be back in her “hands” too soon. But it’s hard to miss appointment after appointment when I’m feeling so poorly. Hub tried to send me a link to a list of massage therapists in the area, but none of them do trigger point AND it’s hard to just find a new massage therapist. It’s like a mental therapist…you have a relationship built up. It’s not so easy to walk into someone’s space and get naked and let them rub you for an hour.

I see T on Friday, which is the day after the one year anniversary of my mother’s passing. Just happens to be how it worked out. Considering how things are going at the moment, it’s going to be a long, sobby appointment.

I can’t stand this constant nausea. Every time I swallow I feel sick. Every time I move I’m wobbly and off balance and that makes the nausea worse. If I didn’t have the dogs, I’d be in bed all day. I gave thought to going back to bed after lunch today because Butthead had peed and pooped after HER lunch so I knew she’d be okay for a while, but I didn’t want to give in. I’ve been in that place where I didn’t get out of bed for weeks (with my prilosec fever) and that’s a bad road to head down. It only makes me weaker and makes me feel worse.

Hub’s birthday dinner with his family is this coming weekend. I don’t know how I’m going to go…by 3pm, I’m so exhausted I can barely sit at our kitchen table for dinner, how am I going to get out and go to a restaurant and be “on” for his family? For hours… We didn’t go out on his birthday because I couldn’t get up the energy. We didn’t go donate the dolls and bears I crocheted to the police station because I didn’t have the energy to leave the house.

I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know what path to take. I don’t know how to do anything right now.



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11 responses to “March not better

  1. easyweimaraner

    March 28, 2017 at 3:02 am

    I’m so sorry … but I hope some energy comes back to you and there is a little light what brings hope to you…. hugs…

  2. joey

    March 28, 2017 at 12:56 pm

    Damn. I’m over here wishing you well, glad for so many negative tests, but worried nonetheless. Should you see a neurologist? Or maybe an ENT? You know spinning is my #1 anxiety symptom. :/
    Definitely get the exercise — take some allergy meds, hit the Flonase. If nothing else, I bet your sleep improves with walking outside.
    So sorry ❤

    • meANXIETYme

      March 28, 2017 at 3:02 pm

      Thank you for the well wishes. I don’t know who to see next…if anyone at all. The dizziness (which is not really spinning for me … it’s more that I feel like I’m on a boat and the ground is moving beneath me and I don’t know how to walk on moving ground) is something I’ve had for over 16 years. It’s normally pretty tolerable, but this is about as bad as it’s been in the last five years. So it’s not new and I’m TOLD that it’s migraine related (silent migraines) though I’m sort of now wondering if it’s really trigger point related (back when I was diagnosed, trigger points were not really well understood so I wasn’t dx with the trigger points for another 2-3 years). That’d fall under the neurology umbrella, but it’s a neuro-otologist…and they’re not easy to get in with. My primary doesn’t think it’s necessary for me to see anyone, which is frustrating.

      I don’t do allergy meds just like I don’t do any other meds. The side effects are worse than the symptoms for me. I am trying to get outside more both yesterday and today, since the weather is more obliging. I didn’t go for a long walk but I did meander for a while. I worry about falling, though. 😦 And unfortunately, the walking does ramp up my health anxiety because my heart rate goes up…and it does hurt my muscles. Bleh. I’m trying to do stuff a little bit at a time, as well as trying to increase my drinking as best I can.

      I just hate being like this and feeling like this.

      • joey

        March 28, 2017 at 10:00 pm

        Oh I’m just so sorry. Now and again that heart rate thing gets to me too. I talk myself down a lot, which is easier when I can look at another person who is in the same condition. You know? Like, well if Moo is panting, it’s okay. I have also been afraid of falling. 😦 I hope I didn’t sound insensitive.
        I forgot you don’t agree with the allergy meds. I’m sorry. Those are the ones I do take, because I’m so glad I don’t need shots anymore.
        I have been reading more and more about different kinds of migraines. I just wish you’d get well, or at least get some answers.
        Sounds like you REALLY need to get into your trigger massage ASAP. :/ I hope that happens soon.

      • meANXIETYme

        March 28, 2017 at 10:11 pm

        You don’t sound insensitive at all. I would like to know what is going on with me, I just don’t know how to find out. So many times I end up sent away from doctors with no answers. Even the silent migraines was a diagnosis of exclusion after many doctors and many tests without answers.

        As for the allergies…they have been getting worse every year. At some point the side effects will outweigh the symptoms I’m sure. The joy of living in my part of the country where things bloom and spread on wind and then mold….etc. Yay?

      • joey

        March 28, 2017 at 10:36 pm

        Well, yeah.
        I remember when I went out to Colorado, slept outside, woke up and didn’t have to blow my nose. It was magical! lol
        But, I learned, too, that we develop NEW allergies in our new places, so I’m not gonna live tryin to outrun them. 😉
        PS: It is nice for me and Moo to NOT live in the middle of a pine forest 🙂

      • meANXIETYme

        March 28, 2017 at 10:42 pm

        I grew up here. Never had allergies. Knew I was lucky because one of my brothers always had bad outside-type airborn allergies. Two or three years ago my outside allergies started. Now I think I’m getting inside (dust mites) allergies too. It’s pretty annoying to be stuffy and have post-nasal drip year round…but it’s the scratchy throat that is really irritating.

        Even so, I love our four seasons.

      • joey

        March 28, 2017 at 11:22 pm

        Yes. I concur. Post-nasal drip sucks.

        For a long, long time, my dad never had allergies. They hit him in his late 60s. My mother and I have given him a very hard time about all the hard times he gave us 😉 Dose of his own medicine and all that.
        Now my SIL started around 30 and she struggles with the side effects, too. Can’t take almost anything without falling asleep. :/ She works in healthcare. :/ She can’t be dozin off. :/ Flonase is a winner for her, but it really just takes the nose part down.
        And I have a friend who developed SNOW MOLD allergy. Pity’s sake.
        I must say, I’m fortunate, and mine are better as I age. Not good, but better. They seem worse in those who are older, too. Like if the allergies are later onset, they’re worse? That’s my impression from a completely anecdotal standpoint.

      • meANXIETYme

        March 29, 2017 at 10:07 am

        I do agree, I think allergies are worse when they hit later in life. I developed food allergies, one of my brothers developed food allergies (not the one with airborn allergies), and then I got the airborn allergies. I had mold allergies when I was in my late 20s (when I first got tested) but it was mild it barely showed up. Now I’m pretty sure it has gotten worse, too. So I don’t even get much relief when it rains because I get the mold from the rain. Yay. I never heard of SNOW MOLD. WHAT IS THAT. Oh lord, I bet I have that, too.

        No dozin’ off in healthcare. Hub–who is a big dude–often has issues with anti-histamines because they knock him out. It’s crazy, that stuff.

        I’m glad your allergies are getting better. Maybe someday they’ll be gone gone gone!

      • joey

        March 29, 2017 at 11:46 am

        Maybe 🙂


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