The 1st of March

01 Mar

It’s the first of March. It’s the first day of the month during which I lost my mother last year to her cancer.

Yesterday I went to see my massage therapist. It was a long appointment and the therapist worked hard on my trigger points. With all the pain I’ve been in, she really had to do a lot of work on my upper body. Arms, upper chest, shoulders, neck, my entire back, my glutes. I came home feeling exhausted and so weary. I probably shouldn’t have driven home myself but I made it successfully. I had the air conditioning in the car full blast to keep me alert, but I think once I turned into my driveway my brain sort of gave up. I drove up the driveway but…when I turned my car toward the garage so I could make a K turn to park in my usual spot, I went just a little too far. And I hit the garage door. Again. I wasn’t going fast and I didn’t hit hard, but I pushed the already damaged door in just enough to break the bits on the inside that hold the panels to the rollers. I did this years ago (like 3 years?), but at that point I had backed into the garage door and the molding at the edge of the door. I broke my tail light and dented the garage door. The repair guys came out then and just repaired the stuff inside and said it’d be okay. Well, it WAS okay until I hit it again yesterday. The guys came out today and said the door parts were damaged beyond repair and we’d likely have to replace two of the panels. They are supposed to call tomorrow or Friday to let us know the cost. I don’t know what happened…and I can’t believe I hit the garage door a second time. I guess I’m thankful that this time I didn’t damage my SUV and that Hub couldn’t have cared less that I hit the garage. He was more upset that I was so upset with myself. We can’t use the garage until we get the repairs done, which doesn’t really affect me because I don’t park in the garage but it means Hub can’t put his car in the garage. Again, he’s totally not upset about the damage, but I am.

So I haven’t been sleeping much at all for the last six weeks or so because of all the pain I’ve been in. I slept about an hour or two (fitfully) Monday overnight to Tuesday because Hub went to an overnight sleep study at our local hospital. Tuesday I had my massage therapy, and Tuesday night I was in extra pain from the trigger points she worked on. Today, Hub worked from home and I spent most of the day on the couch trying to find a comfortable position. I’m not sure I’ve tried to describe this before, but when my massage therapist works on trigger points, I am often left with a feeling of horrible bruising (without any bruises) and like I am resting on golf balls that are pressing right on the bruised points. All my body weight right on those bruised spots with hard golf balls pressing right into those spots. It’s painful. Even moving is painful. The best thing I can do is not move. Find a position that doesn’t put too much pressure on any of those spots (and they are numerous and spread throughout my back, arms, shoulders, and butt) and then don’t move. So I was stretched out on the couch while Hub was working nearby and everything is hurting…and I start crying. I’m exhausted and in so much pain and I just feel overwhelmed.

And I’m sad. I miss my mother so much every single day. And I know now that March was the beginning of the end for my mother last year. And I’m thinking of the things we were trying to do with Mom last March…and how fast it went in the end. The tears just came and I let them. I feel so sad. And lost. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year. I can’t believe how much time has passed without her. How life has gone on for so long without her. It hurts. Physically and emotionally and mentally I am just exhausted and sad.




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4 responses to “The 1st of March

  1. easyweimaraner

    March 2, 2017 at 1:43 am

    Oh I’m so sorry that this happened (again). I hope the work goes smooth and it is fixed asap. I also hope the pains gow away or at least they become more bearable.

    • meANXIETYme

      March 2, 2017 at 9:22 am

      Eventually the trigger point pains do fade away. Usually takes about three or four days for me.

  2. joey

    March 2, 2017 at 11:04 am

    I don’t get massages because that’s how I feel after. It’s like the least relaxing thing for me. It’s impossible for me to relax in the five minutes I lie there before she starts. I’m better off with foot reflexology and a hot bath. :/

    I’m sorry about your garage. These things happen. Try not to be hard on yourself, because as I just wrote, these things happen.

    Words cannot help with your grief, so I give you cyberhugs and my sympathy. (((HUGS))) ❤

    • meANXIETYme

      March 2, 2017 at 11:28 am

      I don’t go for these massages for relaxation, sadly. They are therapeutic trigger point massages specifically to work out the trigger points I have. After the TP pain fades, I do get relief from the muscle pain for a period of time. Unfortunately, it’s not a permanent resolution for me, it’s an on-going therapy. I’m trying to fit myself in for a “relaxing” massage this month, you know, because.

      I’m mostly annoyed at myself about the garage because it’s the second time. I try to be careful because I know I’ve done it before, but I was just out of it. And it makes me angry at myself because I really shouldn’t have driven home feeling the way I did. I am REALLY lucky that nothing worse happened.

      Thanks for the hugs and sympathy. It’s going to be a long month, I think.


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