And then I cried…

26 Sep

I saw T for my appointment on Friday and I pretty much cried through the whole thing. She tried to reassure me that what I’m dealing with is grief, not a major depressive episode. It’s also combined with where I am in my life, which is kind of lost and stagnant. I’ve been struggling with finding my purpose–or reclaiming it if that’s the case–and she thinks that is making me feel worse. I miss my mother. I miss her love and her support and her company. I am tired of being unhappy with who I am. I’m tired of being unhappy with how I feel about myself. I cried for all of it. I cried on the way home, too. I felt weepy most of the day. Then again, I’ve felt weepy pretty much all the time the last couple of weeks.

When I woke up Friday morning, I found that our upstairs air conditioning had frozen over. Again. For the last three (or four maybe) years, the system has frozen over at least twice during the summer season. Initially, we were told finding a small leak was near to impossible, and we should just refill the refrigerant unless is became an on-going issue. When it became an on-going issue, they tried to find the leak but couldn’t. We’ve been through several different HVAC companies, and no one could find a leak. We were told it was probably in the attic in the line that runs between the outside unit and the inside unit. The only way to “fix” that was to replace it entirely. Entirely$$$$. So the second time it froze over this season, we tried a “sealant” along with a dye, to try to trace the leak. No surprise based on our luck, the sealant didn’t work and Friday morning I saw the ice building up on the system again. Talk about wanting to cry. Not only does it mean more bullshit to deal with, but it also means no air conditioning on our bedroom level. And no a/c means no sleep. If I try to sleep on the main level where there IS a/c, I can’t get comfortable and therefore no sleep. The HVAC guy came back today (that was three days with no a/c in our bedroom) and told us that he found evidence of leaks in the unit inside the house. So now we have to scrape up money to pay for that repair…the part was barely under warranty (somehow we got stuck with a crap warranty for five years instead of ten) but labor is never under warranty. I had to go find some kind of proof of when the unit was purchased because basically we are at 4 years and 11 months. Stupid jerks. Now it’s a couple of days before the part is in and then we schedule for the work to be done.

We’ve been sleeping with the windows open at night, since the weather has cooled off somewhat. Unfortunately, that means my allergies get triggered. And the upstairs gets humid, because air movement is limited. We have NO cross-breeze possible in our bedroom. Boo. I have summer allergies and I have mold allergies. So no matter what, I’m feeling it and now I feel like my bedroom is just coated in allergens from having the windows open. Ugh.

I feel like I’m a walking vat of injury and tears and pain. My stomach is giving me trouble. Not in the normal way, but in a spot of pain that is showing up in a weird place. It’s not an area I’ve had pain in before…and I can’t identify what is causing it. I hate that. I’m having some other uncomfortable pain in uncomfortable places that aren’t really proper to discuss with people. I’m not sure why, but it’s just more to irritate me. There’s a spot on my back shoulder that’s getting rubbed by my bra, and even when I try to sleep it’s irritated.

What’s wrong with me these days? I’ve known my body has been falling apart for years, but this is a whole new slew of stuff. Unfamiliar stuff.

I’m tired. I want to go to bed. The room is too hot for that during the day, even if I were to do it.

I’m whiny. Don’t listen to me. I’m done.


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10 responses to “And then I cried…

  1. joey

    September 26, 2016 at 7:42 pm

    Well that’s a big sad post. I’m glad you had a cry. A good cry, while headache inducing (Hydrate!) is such a stress reliever.
    That suuuuuucks about the ac. Just sucks. I worry about our furnace. I really hate the furnace, but don’t tell it that, because total diva.
    I do not recall if T is a PhD or an MD or what have you, but have you mentioned the pain to her? Grief actually can cause pain. Like, that’s a thing. In scans, not just in theory or hippie dippy trippy land. A lot of people feel it in their chests, (why broken heart) fewer in their abdominal region, but it can happen anywhere, just like a new anxiety pain or a depression pain. It’s not like the brain and the body don’t work together. I’m not sayin don’t check it out if it’s still like that after bit, but try not to freak out, because emotional distress and just plain ol stress can cause pain.

    And now, *hugs*

    • meANXIETYme

      September 26, 2016 at 8:36 pm

      Apparently our furnaces are divas, too. I’d really just like one appliance in the house that wasn’t a diva, please.
      T is not a PhD nor an MD, she’s a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor. I will mention it to her when I see her again. I know that lots of our mental issues can cause physical issues. And I do carry a lot of my mental stress in my body. These just happen to be things I wouldn’t normally associate with manifestations of my grief and/or anxiety, etc. I figure if I’m still hurting after about a week or so, I’ll try to call my primary’s office. I get the feeling, though, that it’ll just be brushed aside because it’s kind of vague. Although, the way I’m sitting now, my abdominal area is pretty uncomfortable. Bleh.
      I carry a lot of pain in my chest, mostly the upper area, related to my anxiety and my grief. I often find myself rubbing my sternum, too, when I think of my mom. I think it’s that broken heart thing. 😦
      Thanks for the hugs. Hub has been sick for over a week, so in order to avoid getting his crud, we’ve not been touching. I might just give that up because I just need the physical contact.
      At least I got a giant hug from T this past Friday, so that was good.

      • joey

        September 26, 2016 at 8:40 pm

        Oh goodness yes, the risk of germs would surely be worth the touch. :/
        Yes, on the sternum, oh yes. Considered acupuncture? Now I’m gettin hippie dippy, but your chi… 😛 I hope you smiled.

      • meANXIETYme

        September 26, 2016 at 8:50 pm

        I have been to acupuncture in a group setting, which was weird but less expensive (they treat in a big room with recliners and only stick you in areas you can bare in public). I don’t know that it helped me much…I thought initially it helped with my sleep, but even though I kept going, my sleep went right back to sucking. I tried it for my knee pain (didn’t help) and for my plantar fasciitis (helped a little). I also tried to get it to help my heat intolerance, but that didn’t help. So it was hit or miss.
        Not sure what I would tell the acupuncturist if I went back again.

      • joey

        September 27, 2016 at 10:19 pm

        Ah. Well maybe it’s not your thing, or maybe you just need the right one. At any rate, are you feeling any better today?

      • meANXIETYme

        September 28, 2016 at 10:18 am

        As the day went on, I ended up with pain in my leg that was new to me as well. I slept really poorly last night (still no stupid a/c) so I’m still tired and I still feel crappy.
        I feel like I should give in and accept that this whole week is going to suck and just deal with it that way. 😦

      • joey

        September 28, 2016 at 12:57 pm

        Bleh. Sorry.

  2. April

    September 28, 2016 at 10:18 am

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It took me some time to learn to distinguish between grief and depression. I also had weird pains with no explanation. Every time I went to my primary doctor I would get a vague answer. You have so many things going through your head! I hope you are feeling better.

    • meANXIETYme

      September 28, 2016 at 10:28 am

      Yeah, figuring out what is grief and what is depression is hard. The pains, though…with health anxiety, it’s so hard to try to put them down to grief (or anxiety or depression) and ignore them.

      • April

        September 28, 2016 at 10:46 am

        True, health anxiety is an entirely different monster.


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