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Silent

22 Sep

I have been silent. Sad and silent.

In my head, I have written about five blogs. I compose them, I edit them, I reconsider what I want to say, I think about it some more…and then I don’t actually write them. They might still happen, but they might not.

I have been dealing with more pain recently, which hasn’t improved my daily outlook. My husband had been dealing with work issues. My brother is just starting a (contentious) divorce. My father has been to and from some of his doctors to make sure he doesn’t have any kind of advancing dementia (which he does not, thankfully).

I am the (supposed) steady in the family. Despite my issues, my family still comes to me for support, reassurance, an ear…etc. No matter how I’m feeling, I still seem to be the one they all gravitate toward. Even my few (and far away) friends seem to feel that way.

I feel sad, ya’ll.

I’ve been dreaming about my mom. I had a long dream about her, then I thought I woke up (and I really believe I was awake) and I had a vision of my mom standing next to my bed looking down at me. It was so vivid and so real I could have reached out to touch her. But it was extremely upsetting for me because she was looking sickly, with her post-chemo peach-fuzzy kind of hair, and she said to me, “I’m tired and aching…”

I emailed T that very morning and although she helped me make sense of the dream, the vision still bothers me. I don’t know why she came to me that way, in that manner, and with that particular message. It’s been over a week and I still can’t get past it.

I still hope to write the blogs that need to be written. I want to think that what I’m dealing with is only grief, but I feel like I’m having some mild depression. I don’t want to do much of anything. I do what needs to be done. I fake what that world expects to see. But in the end, I just feel sad.

I know I feel overwhelmed, and so some of that might be the cause for feeling kind of shut down. Hub has been sick, on top of everything else, and my pain has been escalating. So that all makes for harder days and nights, especially since the pain interrupts my ability to get as much sleep as I normally do–which isn’t even that much.

For no reason, some pictures I took one evening last week.

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4 responses to “Silent

  1. Sue S

    September 22, 2016 at 4:54 pm

    Sending good thoughts your way. Take care of yourself.

     
  2. joey

    September 22, 2016 at 7:01 pm

    Beautiful pictures 🙂 I love the sun like that, caught in the clouds. You’re caught in the clouds too. I’ve worried about your silence, so on a personal level, from a selfish standpoint, I am glad you’ve published this post.
    All I can do is wish you better days.

    When my mother’s mother comes to me in dreams, she is younger than I’ve ever known her. She brings me pink roses and tells me I’m pretty in pink. She and I usually sit at a wrought-iron bistro table in the clouds and eat sweets and drink weak black coffee and we laugh. I wake up knowing what’s happened, but unable to remember the words. It’s bittersweet. At this point, I don’t care if it’s a dream or a psychic experience, I’m just grateful.
    Your experience makes me think you’re still grieving. And you’re allowed. ❤

     
    • meANXIETYme

      September 22, 2016 at 7:51 pm

      You had lovely dreams. I wish my dreams were like that, but they usually aren’t.
      I have felt very sad and weepy for days. I know grief is not something that comes and goes normally. It’s going to hit when it wants to hit. Apparently I’m in a low stage. I don’t like it very much.
      Thanks for thinking of me and for your words of comfort.

       

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