Liar liar brain on fire

05 Jun

I’ve been struggling with my health anxiety for over a week. As per usual, it’s pretty centered around my heart. I’ve made an appointment to see my cardiologist, but the online scheduler only had an appointment for NEXT Monday. I’m going to call in the morning to see if they have anything sooner, whether it’s a cancellation or what. If they can’t fit me in sooner, I might also check with my regular doctor–but getting in to see them is pretty difficult these days.

I keep trying to tell myself that if I’m still alive after this week of potential heart pain, then it’s likely just anxiety plaguing me and not a “real” issue. It’s my anxiety lying to me. My left arm hurts, my back hurts, my jaw hurts, I feel slightly off-balance, I’m nauseated. All those things could mean a heart issue…and all those things could be just my daily life. I can’t get around my lying anxiety brain to figure it out. I’m both hot and cold, sometimes feeling sweaty when there’s no sweat there. Right now my palms are warm and feel like they’re sticking to my laptop, but my feet are freezing cold and clammy.

I’ve had a pain in my lower right back today. I always have pain in my back, but this feels different. Is it real or anxiety? I hate that I can’t tell. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to know what is real and what isn’t. I don’t know when to seek emergency treatment and when not to. I don’t want to spend my life in the emergency waiting room…our local ER is terrible and our trips tend to last no less than 6-12 hours there. Most of that in the waiting room trying to get a bed to be seen (usually by a dismissive physician or physician’s assistant).

I’ve been depressed and not acting normal, not moving around much, not eating well, not drinking my water. I know this is all contributing to the fact that everything hurts me, but I can’t seem to get around it. I’m sitting poorly, also contributing to my pain. I’m not sleeping, some of which from pain, some because of the fear of having a heart attack.

I can’t even tell you how many good-bye letters I’ve written. In my previous house, I used to have them scattered around in weird places. Mostly hand-written in the dark of night when I was sure I wouldn’t make it through the night. Sometimes I write them on my computer and drop them into weird folders. Am I the only one? Does anyone else do this? I so wanted to write one the other night because it was that bad. I didn’t do it. I wanted to wake Hub and tell him good-bye, just in case. I wanted to do it before he went to sleep. I write the notes because I don’t want to frighten my wonderful husband…I can’t stand keeping him awake when he’s the one getting up early every morning to take care of the dogs and then go to work to support both of us.

I was sitting here earlier, just waiting for the time to go by. And I started wondering WHY I was hoping for the time to go by more quickly. I know I want to get up first thing and make calls to the doctor, but really, what is that going to solve? I’m not likely to get an appointment right away, so I’m still stuck in this anxiety limbo.

As I type, I’m restless. My jaw is hurting again. My back. My arm. I want to sob, but crying only makes me feel worse. I want to curl into a ball, but it hurts too much. I want to lie down and go to sleep but I’m afraid. I heard once that there are more heart attacks in the early morning hours, so I’m afraid to go to sleep because I’m afraid to have a heart attack overnight or in the early morning hours. For some reason my brain thinks that if I’m awake, I won’t have a heart attack. Or maybe I think if I’m awake, I’ll be able to get help if I start having a heart attack. Probably the latter.

This sucks so much. I hate this health anxiety. I hate that this is one of the few things that I’ve not been able to conquer. Sometimes I do so well, but other times I’m just so suffocated by it.


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5 responses to “Liar liar brain on fire

  1. April

    June 6, 2016 at 9:40 am

    I hate health anxiety as well. I create all kinds of maladies only to be told it’s nothing.

    • meANXIETYme

      June 6, 2016 at 9:48 am

      It sucks that you have to deal with this as well. 😦

      • April

        June 7, 2016 at 5:42 am

        We can make it through this!

  2. joey

    June 6, 2016 at 11:41 am

    Me three.
    Last week, I spent a lot of time scraping, and as my hands are pitiful, I must switch hands a great deal. Well, this resulted in pangs after, for about three days, and on the left side of my chest, not my right, where I usually feel the anxiety ache. I started wondering how much sensation is pain and how long should it go on and well, you can imagine all that. What saved me was yoga. I turned to my left and realized it was muscle. Now, I’m not saying that made it better, as it kept on for two more days, but it did stop the panic loop.
    When I think back to things that I went to the ER for, things I needed treatment for, there was always severe and debilitating pain. I keep that in mind, but it’s not much help in the midst of scary sensations.
    I hope your trip to cardio gives you the peace of mind you need.

    • meANXIETYme

      June 6, 2016 at 12:01 pm

      I had a similar thought as to the intensity of the pains I’m having. I keep thinking if they are just sort of annoying, that they shouldn’t be a big deal.
      But as you know, anxiety-brain just laughs and laughs and laughs.
      I’m starting hypno-therapy with my current therapist, who went for training at my suggestion (and request). We’ve done an induction into hypnosis once, which was kind of interesting. I can’t remember if I wrote about it or not, but if not, then I will. We tried to do another session this past week, but I was in a terrible grief state and I basically began sobbing mid-hypnosis. I’ve set up another appointment for this Friday to try again, with the hopes that the hypnotherapy will help me with the health anxiety.
      And thanks, I hope the cardiologist reassures me. Fingers crossed.


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