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Day by day

16 May

I try to take it one day at a time. These past two weeks or so have been harder, I’m not sure why. I’ve been thinking about Mom more often, not less. Her last days and hours have settled into my mind, filling every corner, waiting for me.

Especially at night. I mean, the memories come to me all day, but during the day I can find something else to occupy me…or I crochet and shut down my mind altogether. But at night, when I’m trying to go to sleep, the memories come out and taunt me. How she looked those last few days. How she sounded. How she acted.

During the days, the thoughts of calling her or dropping by her house or meeting her in the backyard float into my head. I have to remind myself that she’s not there for me to talk to. That I have no reason to make those calls or take that walk. Hub had a doctor’s appointment to have his yearly stress test (cuz of his heart arrhythmia) and when he called to say all went well, I automatically went to call her. I didn’t have her to update. I can’t talk to her about the crochet dolls I’m working on, or ask her opinion on how to do something with them. I have to stop myself and the reminder that she’s gone just pings around in my head like a game of pong.

I miss my mother. I miss my friend.

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11 responses to “Day by day

  1. joey

    May 16, 2016 at 11:45 am

    Lack of sharing has been the hardest part for me when I lose people, the little things — seeing something, experiencing something — wanting to share that with someone who’s gone. It’s a bit better when I can share that with someone else. Like, when I have those moments about my friend Tori, I always share them with her daughter. “I had to buy a new cheese slicer, and even though it was broken, it was hard to throw the old one away because it was your mother’s.” I want to call Tori and say, “This damned cheese slicer you left me when you abandoned me for your husband finally gave up! I insist you buy me a new one!” Oh how we would laugh. I have always and still think of her when I slice cheese. That’s not a small thing.
    People are woven into our lives, usually our mothers first. </3

     
    • meANXIETYme

      May 16, 2016 at 12:13 pm

      Yeah, as I was writing I was thinking it sounded like I have no one else in my life, which isn’t true. The issue is, this was not just my mother but also my best friend. She was the one I always went to first (other than Hub) with any kind of information. I’m just not that kind of close with any of the other people in my life. I have a few friends, but we are those kind of friends who hang out two or three times a year and talk in email sporadically. I’m what you would call a “loner.” Which I’m perfectly okay with.
      My Mom had a really good friend that I know pretty well, too. I actually emailed her while I was writing this post to touch base with her. Although I love her a lot, she wasn’t part of my (or my mother’s) every day life, so she too feels too removed to turn to.
      The best I have been able to do is turn to Hub with some of these things…and bless his heart he tries. But he really has no clue about crochet. πŸ™‚
      And I’m pretty close to two of my brothers so we try to talk about stuff, but it still just isn’t the same. There’s just some stuff–and some instances–where you only feel THAT WAY with THAT PERSON. I can tell by your comment that you feel that way about Tori. Not saying that her daughter isn’t wonderful and doesn’t understand, but she’s not Tori.

       
      • joey

        May 16, 2016 at 12:33 pm

        The longer I have lived, the more loner I have become as well, although your terms might be a bit different. I haven’t made a new friend in…9 years. My husband though, he makes friends and those friends love to DO STUFF. Sometimes I wonder if it’s normal to not need friends so much. My friends are often hanging out with one another, doing things which sound exhausting, lol and while I feel left out at times, the truth is, I don’t want to…And then I think maybe it’s the married part. My friend lives with me…Outside of him, do I really need to spend so much time with people? Is this what happens when you’re married a long time? Do you ever think about it?

        I’m sorry to have gotten off the subject a bit, but I am curious. Yes, I would much rather have Tori, just sharing with someone we had in common helps the sting a bit. It is by no means a comparison to losing your mother, your friend altogether.

         
      • meANXIETYme

        May 16, 2016 at 1:45 pm

        No no no, I wasn’t comparing losses either. I was just saying how you clearly understood how I was feeling based on your comments about Tori.
        I’m not sure I’m a great comparison in this instance, since I never really had a lot of friends. I liked my small group of friends–at one point maybe there were five or six of us in a group–but as they moved on, I felt no need to replace them. Most of my life, I would have one really close friend and the rest were people I might see at school or work that I was friendly with. As I got older, my capability to extend that kind of energy into relationships just wasn’t there. I find having friends to be exhausting, and I don’t have that kind of extra energy to spare. I don’t feel left out, I feel relieved that I don’t have to deal with “people” when I don’t have to! LOL
        But I also agree with you about being married to your friend. I have that, also, and I would much rather spend time with him than with my “best” friend that I’ve known since 2nd grade. I think part of it is that I’m able to let Hub (and my mom) give me support when I need it, whereas with friends and other family, I am the one giving support. It’s my fault, I know it, I always choose to ask how other people are doing to divert focus from myself. It just happens to be the only way I know to be with most people.

         
      • joey

        May 16, 2016 at 1:55 pm

        I understand you completely and I appreciate the thoughtful answers.

         
  2. Bradley

    May 16, 2016 at 1:36 pm

    My mom died in 1984 and I still think of her nearly every day. She too was my best friend. I cherish the happy memories I can look back on. Thank you for making me think of her this morning.

     
    • meANXIETYme

      May 16, 2016 at 1:39 pm

      I’m so glad you can cherish those memories from a happy place. Gives me hope!

       
      • Bradley

        May 16, 2016 at 2:01 pm

        Then my work for the day is done. πŸ™‚

         
      • meANXIETYme

        May 16, 2016 at 2:29 pm

        πŸ™‚

         
  3. April

    May 16, 2016 at 11:46 pm

    I understand how you feel. I like that you brought up the memory of her being in the garden. That’s what we have to hang onto. As much as I try to forget how my dad suffered in the end, I really focus on a joke he told or how he helped me learn various things. Take your time, grief isn’t for the weak, but we find ways to live in spite of it. Hugs to you!

     
    • meANXIETYme

      May 17, 2016 at 9:35 am

      I’m trying very hard to remember the balance of her life, not the last week that was so hard for her and all of us.
      I agree, grief is not for the weak.
      HUGS.

       

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