I try to take it one day at a time. These past two weeks or so have been harder, I’m not sure why. I’ve been thinking about Mom more often, not less. Her last days and hours have settled into my mind, filling every corner, waiting for me.
Especially at night. I mean, the memories come to me all day, but during the day I can find something else to occupy me…or I crochet and shut down my mind altogether. But at night, when I’m trying to go to sleep, the memories come out and taunt me. How she looked those last few days. How she sounded. How she acted.
During the days, the thoughts of calling her or dropping by her house or meeting her in the backyard float into my head. I have to remind myself that she’s not there for me to talk to. That I have no reason to make those calls or take that walk. Hub had a doctor’s appointment to have his yearly stress test (cuz of his heart arrhythmia) and when he called to say all went well, I automatically went to call her. I didn’t have her to update. I can’t talk to her about the crochet dolls I’m working on, or ask her opinion on how to do something with them. I have to stop myself and the reminder that she’s gone just pings around in my head like a game of pong.
I miss my mother. I miss my friend.