Diamonds in the sky

28 Apr


It looks like there is a diamond in the middle of that bright green new foliage. Alas, it is a raindrop, caught just so on the plant…caught just so by my cell phone camera.

My brother asked me to hang out with him. It was such a surprising request that I stumbled over responding. Not that I mind hanging out with him, but his wife doesn’t really like it when he and I are together. I think she is jealous of him having fun…maybe because she doesn’t get along with her only sibling? I’m not sure. But when she is with us, she tries to keep us separated because she doesn’t like how he behaves with me. How does he behave? He has fun. It’s a sad situation.

Anyway, when he asked me to hang out with him, I asked if it he was expecting our respective spouses to join us, as Hub had plans that he couldn’t change. He said no, that his wife had plans, so it would just be us. He suggested we go to a local (large) plant nursery to walk around. I said sure, but I wanted to cry. Mom and I used to love to go to this nursery to walk around and, of course, to buy stuff. She loved gardening and plants, and we loved spending time shopping for stuff. But since my brother asked me to go, I figured he needed to connect with someone and I wasn’t willing to let him down. So we made plans and we went.

We haven’t had rain here in over a month, but when my brother came to pick me up it was pouring out. We decided to go anyway, with umbrellas, and just deal with the rain. By the time we made it to the nursery, the rain had mostly stopped so it turned out to not be a big deal. While we were walking around, I saw this plant with the “diamond” hovering in the center of the new growth. I took the picture because it was pretty amazing. But it made me sad that my mom wasn’t there with us to enjoy the beauty. It made me sad that my brother never  wanted to join Mom and me when we went out to these nurseries together. My brother and I walked around, talked, joked, laughed, and just spent time together. We occasionally spoke about Mom and about what was going on with her estate, but mostly we talked about the plants we were looking at. Plants we liked, plants we didn’t like, plants he already had that were thriving or not. My brother has kept himself somewhat removed from the family because of his wife…because of how she behaves. Because most of us tolerate her only because we care about him. Mom worried about him a lot. I know she wished he had been happy, but he never seemed to be. We wondered if it was because of her or if it was something else. I know now it’s probably a little of both.

I am trying to stay connected with my siblings and my father. It’s awkward, which seems weird because we are mostly a close-knit family. My mother was the heart of our family. She was the one who connected all our lives. Although I try to talk to my father as often as possible, and stop in to see him, it’s difficult. We don’t have a lot to talk about except taking care of bills and Mom’s estate. I try to find things…but he doesn’t have any hobbies and he doesn’t have any interests. And right now, he doesn’t want to do much. I don’t want to step into Mom’s shoes and keep everyone connected or be the go-between for everyone. So I have to step back and allow everyone to find their own way to communicate. I know it’s difficult for them but it’s also difficult for me. Both stepping back and keeping in touch.

There are times when I forget for just a moment that she’s gone. When I remember again, it’s painful. I think of her often and that’s okay. When I talk about her, it hurts. When I think about how much I miss her, it hurts. I’m still finding myself in situations where I wish she were still here, that I could still talk to her, that I could still see her. That’s where the tears are. Just walking up to her house or seeing the spot where we used to hang out on her deck hurts. It’s like feeling the loss all over again…repeatedly. It makes it so much harder to go over and see my father, because walking through their doors hurts.

And mother’s day is approaching. Every commercial on television is for mother’s day gifts. The cards and signs in the grocery stores. The radio. It’s everywhere. And I want to curse and scream and I’m so jealous of people who get to spend mother’s day with their mothers. For the past fourteen years Hub and I have hosted mother’s day for his family and mine. Last year, Mom was in radiation therapy so she was tired, so Hub spent mother’s day with his mother while I spent it with mine. It was the first year we separated for mother’s day. This year I’ve told him to go to his mother’s and be with her, but he’s resisting. His mother understands, but really I want to be alone on mother’s day. I want to pretend it’s just another day. I want to be able to cry by myself if that’s what happens.

This is so hard.


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5 responses to “Diamonds in the sky

  1. joey

    April 28, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    Reading this just makes me so sad for you. How raw and vulnerable you must feel in your grief. It must be awful. I am sorry you’re going through this.
    I can see that you may want to lie low this Mother’s Day.

    It’s weird your brother’s wife doesn’t want y’all to hang out too much. Fun is where it’s at, and I think you both must need some comic relief.

    • meANXIETYme

      April 28, 2016 at 7:23 pm

      Today has been a very bad day. Felt bombarded from many different angles.
      I didn’t really understand what the deal was with my sister-in-law until I went to a wedding with them and she literally made him switch seats so that she was sitting between us. I saw her do it and asked him later about it. He told me she doesn’t like how he acts when we’re together. I only realized at that point that she was always between him and me at family dinners or functions…or they sat far enough away that I couldn’t goof around with him. It’s incredibly sad. He and I used to love hanging out and goofing around. He gets along great with Hub, so even when it’s the three of us, it’s a fun time. When she is with us, he’s a different person.
      Also, thanks for commenting. I appreciate it.

  2. Robert Matthew Goldstein

    April 30, 2016 at 10:28 pm

    First I want to say that the photo is gorgeous.

    Second I want to say that I will keep you in my thoughts because I think that when we pray in some way for each other it helps…somehow. 🙂

    It does get better, the grieving becomes less acute. But the gap is always there. No one can replace the people we called Mom and Dad.

    • meANXIETYme

      April 30, 2016 at 10:39 pm

      Thanks for your compliment on the photo. And thank you for your comments and your prayers. I’m appreciative of all support that I get, no matter what form it comes in.
      I know the adult in me understands that loss is inevitable, but the child in me just wants to cry and scream and call out for my mom.


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