***this post was previously scheduled ahead of time. you might have already seen “Where do broken hearts go” which indicates that Mom had already passed. I wrote this post below a week before her actual passing.***
Normally this would be me asking this, but this time it was Mom.
We wanted to take Mom to see some local gardens today. But this morning was a bad morning for her. When we got her into her recliner in the family room, she said to me, “I don’t know why I’m so tired.”
All she does is sleep and drink, really. She’ll eat bits and pieces of actual food, but mostly she is existing on juice, boost or ensure nutrition drink, hot chocolate, and hot tea. Some water, too. She tells me she’s only dozing, but I think she’s actively sleeping. I watched her some this morning while she slept/dozed, and she made faces, a few noises, but her breathing was fast. I thought it would be slow, but it’s not.
Why is she so tired? Because her body is shutting down. She’s actively dying.
How do I answer her? I didn’t. I shrugged, and moved to talk about what we’re going to do when we get to the gardens today. I had hoped it would be sunny and warm, but for the moment it is still overcast and not quite warm yet. At this point, though, it is what it is. Because in my heart I don’t believe she’ll be able to go at a later point.
My brother from out of state is driving in this weekend to stay for a little while. I had a terrible thought today as to whether he’ll make it in time or not. I know some of that is my anxiety taking over and I tried to let the thought go. I can’t make predictions, I can’t KNOW what is going to happen, I can’t make my brother get here in time or not. I can only get ready to go out today, to show Mom the beautiful plants that she loves so much. Gardening is her thing, she loves plants and trees and everything.
I’m back from our trip to the gardens. It was a long trip, more in the car than in the gardens. I think Mom was happiest that she was outside in the air, even though most of the gardens we saw were inside (as that was where the accessible routes were for the most part). Although Hub went with us, Mom didn’t engage as much as either he or I had hoped. She looked at a few things when we pointed them out, but otherwise she let Hub talk and joke and she just held her head up on her hand. Just like she does at home.
I watched bits and pieces of that hospice video again, trying to remind myself that everything Mom is doing is exactly what is supposed to happen. That although death is incredibly sad, it’s not BAD. It’s what happens next. It’s part of our cycle of life. That sounds like a terrible thing to say, but it’s the truth. I don’t WANT my mother to die, but the truth is, she IS dying. My best hope for her is that there is no pain at any point, and that she doesn’t feel awash in fear or anxiety. I don’t know what else I could hope for.
We brought Mom home, got her back into her recliner, and after a drink of some juice, I could see she was already looking to withdraw into sleep again. I told her good night and said I’d see her in the morning. Hub and I came home, made dinner, and crashed.
I spent some time talking to someone about getting some extra help in the house for my parents (the woman who took care of my grandmother, who now lives in another state). She had some recommendations and suggestions for me, and I’ll take them to heart. I’m hoping that by Monday we’ll have something set up. I hope we can squeak through the next couple of days without too much trouble. I just hope I’m doing the right thing at the right time.