Don’t pity me

24 May

I’m doing that just fine all on my own. Bleh.

Seriously, this is the first day I’ve been able to concentrate even a little bit. Prior, I was feeling very foggy and dizzy, and like my eyes wouldn’t focus. It was pretty horrible. Thursday I was trying to be a good girl and eat protein, so we had some deli turkey in the house in preparation. Turns out there’s something on there in the gluten range (maybe the seasoning? we don’t think we’ve bought this meat before, it was fresh-made at the store) that was affecting me and I spent most of Thursday suffering from hot-face, which made me miserable. It wasn’t until after I’d had some for dinner that I realized it was probably the turkey and I had to just wait it out. I didn’t start feeling that going away until sometime Friday mid-morning. Meanwhile, my sleep has been close to nil. That has been kind of horrible because it aggravates anxiety big-time, as all us anxiety sufferers know. My PVCs remain annoying…

I’m in some mild pain, but taking ibuprofen twice a day, just to help speed healing, I hope. Friday the doctor’s office called to check on me and the nurses warned me to be very aware of blood clot symptoms, especially with the weekend coming. She told me to not wait and go to the ER if I felt I had symptoms. So now I’m spending the majority of my time worrying about a blood clot. Fan-fucking-tastic. And apparently this is an issue for MONTHS after a surgery. So my leg is bothering me and it’s kind of freaking me out, but I am trying to remind myself that it’s probably a muscle ache and maybe must my knee hurting (which is normal for me). I’m afraid…there’s so much going on in my body, I have no idea how to identify what is normal and what is not. My heartburn is pretty bad (with accompany nausea!…yay), even though I’ve gone back on my regular digestive enzymes and probiotics…they haven’t really taken over yet. So that means I’ve got pain in my chest which radiates to my arms and back. And I have to decipher that as being different from being short of breath and in pain which could be a clot my lung (versus in the leg, of course). This has not been a good experience for me…I’m sure T is thinking “Ooooh, exposure therapy” but I’m thinking OMG how am I going to get through this?

I feel very split up about all this…trying to realize I had major surgery and still feeling like I’m supposed to be active to help heal. They’re all telling me to listen to my body, but my body LIES to me. So how am I supposed to know how much to rest and how much to do? I had major surgery and yet they sent me home five hours after. Which is it? Major surgery and rest, or get up and move? I’m FINALLY able to stand up and sit down without groaning from the pain and stretch, but it’s still uncomfortable.

Eating is difficult because of the nausea and the heartburn. I have no appetite, but I know without food I won’t gain stamina or energy. I’m trying to drink but I’m NEVER a good drinker so I’m sucking with that, too. Which apparently could lead to more potential blood clot issues. So much fear in my body at the moment. I told T when I had my phone appointment on Friday (which I could only talk for half an hour, I was so out of it) that I feel like I’m in the midst of anxiety even though I didn’t feel ANXIOUS. She said it’s my body responding to the trauma of the surgery…and to just try to use my tools even though it’s not really “anxiety”.

My head feels full and pressured. I have a headache (while I’m taking 800mg of ibuprofen…wtf is up with that?) and I’m so tired all the time. I want to be past all this NOW.

On top of all that, Hub has a really bad cold that came on Tuesday night. I’m SO lucky that I haven’t gotten sick yet, even though he’s feeding me and getting me drinks. It’s really really sucky, though, because he’s not touching me. No hugging, no kisses, no rubbing my back or my hands or my arms. No comfort. It’s a really big loss for me… I want so much to be soothed and because we’re trying to keep me from getting the cold, I feel bereft and alone.

Like I said, I’m doing a find job of pitying myself. And now the eye floaters are back, so I’m done here.


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5 responses to “Don’t pity me

  1. joeyfullystated

    May 24, 2015 at 7:48 pm

    *swears a lot*
    I’m sorry. I won’t pity you, but I know how I feel in your kinda circumstance, and this is what people without anxiety disorder don’t really get. Your body does lie to you, absolutely.
    I wake in the night with a charley horse, and I’m wondering if it’s deep vein thrombosis.
    I eat marinara at dinner and spend the rest of the night wondering if I’m having a heart attack, or maybe that my breasts will explode?
    Headache can actually be caused by IB, and your lack of water is not good, either.
    I can’t relate to the gluten issue, but I have issues with red dye. I’ve learned this is a much bigger deal than what I thought it was, and I assume your gluten issue is similar.
    I totally get the sadness about not having your husband to comfort you. When I was sick during deployments or training, I was almost inconsolable for lack of touch.
    Of course, this will get better over time…*big hugs*
    I love this post because it is such a perfect description of living with anxiety disorder.

    • meANXIETYme

      May 24, 2015 at 9:01 pm

      Yeah, all those things. It so totally sucks.
      I’m taking the IB tonight and then going to try to not take it tomorrow. When I used to take it, I would always get rebound after stopping taking it. I didn’t know it could GIVE you a headache, tho. Ugh.
      My gluten issue is a big deal for me. We’re usually very careful about what we buy and what I eat. Hub thought he was buying the right turkey but I think they gave him the wrong stuff. It was stupid of me to eat it, but I really was looking forward to eating the damn turkey. LOL He’s gone out and bought fresh turkey that we KNOW is okay, so now I have turkey.
      I’m just hating how this is affecting me. I want to get good sleep, I want to start feeling better, I want to be over this.
      Thanks for commenting. I knew another anxiety sufferer would understand.

  2. April

    May 27, 2015 at 10:25 am

    I completely understand your anxiety. I know we have to watch for certain things but it’s hard to know if it is an emergency of just anxiety. When I had my lung surgery, a couple of days after getting home I coughed and I swear it felt like my lung or heart flipped in my chest. Of course it was the weekend so I got the doctor on call. He told me that if I felt my live was in danger, go to the emergency room. If I did that every time I thought my life was in danger, I would be spending a lot of time in the ER. I hope you’re feeling a little better—your husband too!

    • meANXIETYme

      May 27, 2015 at 4:43 pm

      Yeah, T was telling me on Friday that if I felt I had a concern that I should call the doctor. I said if I called every time I had a concern, I’d be on the telephone all day. I try not to give in too often, but then I spend time wondering if I’m going to miss something by not calling every time. It’s not a good toss-up.

      • April

        May 28, 2015 at 1:43 pm

        I hear you, I hear you.


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