The nerves, they have arrived. They’re gaining ground. I’m trying really hard to avoid them, but they sit with me, and they taunt me.
I’ve been trying to stay busy, changing sheets, washing the second set so I don’t have to rely on Hub to do it at the last minute (which is when he’d wait to do it). I did all the laundry in the baskets and put it all away. I made fresh lemonade for my recovery. I made split pea soup in the crockpot in the hopes that it would help me keep from getting constipated (soooooo much fiber) after surgery. I cooked portabello mushrooms and made my ricotta cheese mixture to eat on top of the mushrooms for after surgery. I have sliced turkey for easy extra protein. I have laid in food and snack supplies, drinks, been to the library for two dozen books, been the craft store for five skeins of yarn. I have my bag basically packed, my advanced directive packed, my list for the anesthesiologist. I have gluten free snacks for the hospital. I have my stomach pillow for the car ride home. I have the pillows prepped for my bed to help support me if I want to sit there after surgery. The recliner is also ready for me. My parents are going to take our dogs, so we have to pack food and treats for them…tomorrow.
Hub will be home with me Thursday and Friday, as well as the weekend and the holiday on Monday. He usually works from home on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, so if I need him around, he can be home those days next week, too. So I’ll have his help if I need it.
I’m as prepared as I can be. And I’m nervous as hell. I don’t feel panicky (though I had a few moments of it earlier today, which I shooed away by continuing to DO STUFF), but I do feel nervous. I feel like I’m “faking it til I make it” kind of thing. Like I’m just lying to myself about how I’m feeling. Am I masking anxiety? I don’t know. Does it matter if I’m faking it? I don’t know.
My aunt called to wish me luck tonight. It was a weird conversation. My primary care doctor wished me luck. My gyno wished me luck. I’m appreciative that people are thinking of me, but I’m not really DOING anything. I want to tell people to call the surgeon and wish HIM luck. Tell him how they want him to take care of me and do a good job and make sure the surgery goes well. He’s the one doing the work, yah? But I get it, and I’m thankful for people who care about me.
I keep thinking “this time next week it’ll be all over.” Tomorrow is bowel prep day. And it’s the day they’re going to call to tell me what time the surgery is scheduled for. I’m going to Mom’s radiation appointment with her (to sit in on the doctor’s appointment), then I get home and almost immediately start with the bowel prep. I’m going to have to have the house phone forwarded to my cell # so I don’t miss the scheduling call, if they haven’t called by the time I leave the house. All this is making it more real, and making me more nervous.
In case I don’t post tomorrow, thanks to everyone for being a part of my journey. The more we share about our worlds, the more we learn how alike we are, and the more we find we’re not so alone.