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Finding strength

16 May

My mom came home the other day and brought me this. The stone has a tiny little air plant in it. Something I can’t kill, supposedly. We’ll see about that…

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I spent the last couple of days looking for stones that I could use on the day of surgery. I told T in our last session that I was struggling with the habit of needing to write letters to Hub and my parents before my surgery (I used to write letters to Hub when my health anxiety told me I was dying). Not only was I wanting to say things that I might not feel they hear from me enough, but I also wanted them to have something to hold onto and to be able to reread words I had written just for them. I also started telling her I wanted my husband to not run away or close off from my family, because not only would they need him if something happened to me, but HE would need THEM. And T immediately caught me and reminded me that I was trying to control a situation that was not of my control. She handed me a black, shiny rock that she always has sitting on her table in her office (for people to fiddle with) and told me to look at it in my hand. I stared at it hard, but to me it was just a rock in my hand. Then T told me that it represented control, which is generally a false feeling. Then she told me to open my hand and let the rock fall to the ground. I was letting go of control. I got the idea.

So I wanted to get some stones that said “Trust” to give to the surgeon, the anesthesiologist, and the OR nurse, so I could watch myself giving my trust to those people. To reduce my anxiety and my need to control things. But none of the stores I went to had stones with ANY writing on them. I tried to explain to my mother what I wanted, but she didn’t quite understand. She brought me the little gift above, which does its own trick for me, even though I can’t take it with me to the hospital. Right now it’s sitting on the ledge next to my recliner, right in my view. I like it a lot.

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I went walking around my yard yesterday afternoon trying to find any stone I could clean and write on. I found a couple, but not exactly what I wanted. I’ll go trolling through Hub’s stuff later to see if I can find something that will work, as he often uses stones (usually glass, though) for some of his gaming.

The hospital called yesterday to interview me over the phone before surgery. You know, asking all the questions they need to know…allergies, medical history, etc. It was a little more real after that…and in fact I ended up crying last night at a rather inopportune time. I think it sort of all hit me and I was feeling overwhelmed. Today, when Mom and I went shopping and to the library, I felt okay. I feel mostly okay now, but starting to feel nervous. I suspect it’s the kind of nervous most anyone would have at the thought of an upcoming surgery. If I weren’t nervous at all, I’d be worrying that I was disassociating from everything. So I’m okay with how I’m feeling. Well, as okay as you can feel when being nervous and waiting for surgery day.

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4 responses to “Finding strength

  1. joeyfullystated

    May 16, 2015 at 4:30 pm

    Sorry about your crying jag. :/
    I like the stone theory.
    I’m having some minor anxiety at the moment, and I appreciate those few minutes I was focused on you and your strength.

     
    • meANXIETYme

      May 16, 2015 at 4:50 pm

      I was at least able to recover from it and I was able to get to sleep, so that’s good.
      I’m sorry about your anxiety. I was just sitting here curled up on my recliner and my mind started to wander and I felt that telltale ripple of anxiety. I refocused on something else in the hopes that it will go away quickly, cuz we don’t need that shit!
      Feel free to borrow my strength rock-plant!

       
  2. April

    May 16, 2015 at 11:13 pm

    I love your little rock. I also like the rock part with T. That’s a very good visual which is something I need. I’m thinking of you and hoping that the anxiety doesn’t grow beyond the “normal” amount.

     
    • meANXIETYme

      May 17, 2015 at 10:05 am

      Thanks for the well wishes. I did find the visual helpful both then and after, when I was feeling like I wanted to control something. It worked more than I had expected beforehand.

       

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