Mowed me a lawn…

30 Apr

Two weeks ago, I wanted to try to trim the grass along our fence because it looked like crap and Hub hates trimming. But I couldn’t use the trimmer, it was too difficult for me. So I asked Hub to do it, and then I asked him to help me learn how to use the riding mower. It’s a zero turn thingy, so it has these two handles that you have to coordinate to keep the mower going straight. I am not coordinated. I can’t drive a stick shift car. But he helped me get it out of the shed, then showed me how to use it. Ya’ll, it was AWESOME. We have a little hill in the back yard, so once I got used to that–i.e. that I wasn’t going to fall over–I would pick up speed to go down the hill. The weather was really nice, sunny and cool with a breeze. And when I hit that hill and picked up speed, it was just fun. Like riding a go-cart. And the mower is LOUD, so I felt very zen-like because I couldn’t hear anything. My thoughts were drowned out. I was concentrating on using the handles to follow my tracks from the previous round, I was feeling the sun and the wind. I was just zoning out and I really felt good. I was tired when I was done from all the bumping and jostling, but it felt like such an accomplishment. I did the back yard, then stopped. Hub did our front yard area (which is really an empty lot that we thought we might parcel off and sell some day) because I didn’t think I could do it all and still be able to function physically the next day.

So today, with the beautiful weather we had, I decided to do the lawn again. Once we got the mower out of the shed, I was off. And it happened again…that zen-ness of just mowing. Noise and wind and going round and round. I decided to go ahead and do the front yard, too. I got it all done without any issues (the first time I mowed I ran into two of our gutters. I mean, I really messed up one gutter and I REALLY knocked over a pipe that goes into the ground from our gutters in another area, but luckily no permanent damage there, so far…) and it felt awesome. I know it’ll all be more difficult over the summer in the heat and the humidity. And realistically, depending on when my hysterectomy is scheduled, I probably won’t be able to mow all summer…but knowing I was able to do it was pretty freaking cool. And knowing I could do something that a) Hub dislikes doing and b) will free up some of his time, which he can then use to do something else I can’t do and c) I didn’t think I could do.

My only concern is what physical after-affects there might be. Controlling the mower is not easy, and that means stress on my arms and shoulders and neck, all of which are weak (and painful) spots for me. The bumping around on the mower isn’t entirely comfortable either, which could affect my back. But we’ll see tomorrow…if there are tears when I can’t get out of bed or move, I’ll know I did too much.

My last visit with T, I told her about the first time I mowed. And that I hiked into our back woods with Hub to put up no trespassing signs (we keep seeing people walking around back there looking for deer antlers, but it’s private property and also…it’s pretty messy. If someone trips over a dead tree and gets hurt, we could be liable…) and not once during the “hike”–which really was more of a walk while avoiding poison ivy and marshy ground–did I worry about getting hurt. Or getting stuck. Or not being able to get back out.

I told T that I’ve been feeling less anxious. It’s a weird feeling because I almost feel unemotional…but not. I don’t spend as much time looking into the future or imagining what might happen. I’m learning to say (and think) that what’s going to happen is going to happen. And that I will deal with (whatever it is) when it is upon me. No point in spending hours obsessing and thinking about my upcoming surgery appointment. When the time is upon me, I’ll work with it. And I told T that it is just strange. She told me that my body is thanking me for the lowered stress and anxiety…and I’m sure it is. All I know is that I still feel weird at the feeling of “calm” that I really can live in.


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9 responses to “Mowed me a lawn…

  1. joeyfullystated

    April 30, 2015 at 4:33 pm

    Gosh this is excellent news!
    It really is so hard to give up such a sincerely held habit like worrying about what’s next. I’m so good at it all day, I want to be better about it at night!
    I have often wondered about mowing grass. My mother always mowed the grass when I was little. She enjoyed it. When she remarried, my dad didn’t want her to mow the grass, and he didn’t want me to do it, either. Yes, I had a kinda sexist dad, he’s older than most. He also takes his lawn VERY seriously, like directional stuff and perfecting the blends…
    I have allergies to grass, and so I’ve never thought about it. Until last summer, when The Mister was so caught up with work and school, I thought he’d never mow! And our back 40 went to the dogs by mid-June. We had to pay someone with a commercial mower to cut it, and that was $$!
    And I thought, here I am, home for hours and hours…and I wondered, should my girls learn how to mow?!? Wouldn’t it be like vacuuming, in theory? How hard can it be? We have a standard mower (self-propelled) as I think the riding kind sits behind the priority of a second car, but I’m not too poorly to walk and steer…He’s taking the summer off from school. I suggested he mow us a track around the back 40, since we girls like to run there, and maybe another section around the garden, but no reason to mow the whole thing. Wild native plants are good for the world, afterall. Perhaps he should teach us all how to mow this summer. Good exercise, yeah? Zen — oh I want some zen!

    • meANXIETYme

      April 30, 2015 at 5:12 pm

      I grew up with three older brothers so I NEVER had to mow. I can’t say it upset me so much because I hated the heat and humidity and I hated to sweat when I was little. So I did chores in the house and they rotated the mowing. When I moved out, I had no yard at my townhouse. I had a little patio in front and then the community took care of everything else. When we bought our first house, Hub mowed with a regular push-mower (self-propelled), which we still own. But when we moved here, with this property, we ended up buying a riding mower with my parents, and we share it. My brother LOVES mowing their yard. Hub HATES mowing. I think it’s more the repetitive chore of it…you know the damn stuff keeps growing every week! LOL
      So I never mowed anything until we moved here and I used the push mower to do the “clean up” where the riding mower wouldn’t go. But that was really painful for me to push. So I stopped doing it. But that riding mower…it allows me to do so much!
      Hub has allergies. He takes a pill before he mows. My brother has really bad allergies, but he is on pills through the whole season. They both occasionally wear masks to help with the allergies. My allergies (first time ever starting this year!) are still mild, so it’s not too bad for me.
      Hub would like to let our yard go “au naturale” but the dogs don’t really go for that. They don’t like the high grass and I can’t find dog poop for shit (hahaha) when I need to do my poop clean up. So that’s a no-go. I think we would let our front area go, but the neighbors complained to the county the first year we were here before we bought the riding mower when the grass got a little high. So we have to mow it.
      I never ever thought I’d be enjoying mowing the lawn. Hub is verrrrrry amused. 🙂
      I think you could give it a go, but take your meds and wear a mask!

  2. joeyfullystated

    April 30, 2015 at 5:24 pm

    Yeah, I’ve just spoken to The Mister about it, and I think he was way excited at the idea that we could all mow! He will teach us all, he says. I will watch the girls of course, and let them do just the front. Nice and flat 🙂
    I’m Flonased, which I’m so happy is finally OTC! I’m good till ragweed, with the Flonase, then in the fall, I gotta up my meds.
    Sadie doesn’t go into the field without us, and she’s a perimeter pooper with a large yard, so we actually NEVER have to clean up poo, unless she makes in another yard (rare).
    The city doesn’t mind the back unmowed, in fact, if we had a water feature, we could get a tax cut for letting it go. It’s the street side they mind, and that’s a non-issue.
    I was lucky before, having a boy at home 🙂
    Plus, the back yards on post (for 7 years) were so small, The Mister did the whole thing with a trimmer. We sold our mower like year 2 or somethin. The front was “community” and had a service. But I hated it, mower guys, trimmer guys, blower guys — so much freakin racket!
    Our goal here is to plant so many foods, herbs, and flowers, we won’t have much of a yard by retirement age. Somethin that can be done with a push mower.
    I’m so glad you wrote this post 🙂 I’ll let you know when I’ve begun.

    • meANXIETYme

      April 30, 2015 at 6:38 pm

      Yeah, keep me updated. I’d like to know how zen it was for you. 🙂 Flat land is good land to mow. Our front area 98% flat and the non-flat part is maintained by the county. And if it were behind us, we’d leave it. But it’s up against the street and thus for all to see (we’re set back from the road a good ways). So it’s gotta be mowed. Our back area beyond the yard is all treed, and is a terrible mess of woods. We have a little stream back there but it would take a ton of work to make it “walkable”, which is what we wanted to do initially. Now we just hope nothing gets damaged when dead trees come down. 😉
      As for our dogs, they DO mostly poop at the back half of the yard, but we do get lots of play-time with them and other dogs (family, friends) and not all of them know not to run in the back half of the yard… Also, Butthead has been known to step in poop. She’s not very bright. Plus, with two big dogs…there has to be clean-up. Our old house was like yours, the dog was a perimeter pooper and we never cleaned up…we just let it feed the soil.
      Enjoy your mowing! Ooohhhmmmm.

    • meANXIETYme

      April 30, 2015 at 6:43 pm

      Also, tell The Mister YOU’RE WELCOME. LOL

  3. April

    May 1, 2015 at 6:45 am

    Yay! I love that point where anxiety is manageable. The lawn mowing thing sounds like fun. We have a walk-behind mower that my husband won’t let me touch….which is fine with me because we live on a hill. I hope the jostling didn’t bother you too much.

    • meANXIETYme

      May 1, 2015 at 10:10 am

      It’s a nice place to live in, this kind of calm. Even though I know there will be setbacks, I’m going to try to live in this goodness without worrying about any potential setback. They, too, will come when they come, and until then I’m okay.
      We have the walk-behind mower for those spots that we can’t get with the riding mower, but it’s really hard for me to push because our yard is so bumpy.
      I seemed to do okay. I have been a bit more sore than usual, but it’s been manageable!

      • April

        May 2, 2015 at 7:22 am

        Thank you for this comment. I was having a bit of a setback yesterday…still ongoing and I’m trying to deal with it. I have to face another phobia in a couple of days–flying solo. I am sick to my stomach and I’m having a difficult time getting anything done.

      • meANXIETYme

        May 2, 2015 at 9:43 am

        I think the good news is that for those of us at this point, we KNOW there is a calm waiting for us. It seems to become easier and easier to find it again once we realize that it does exist.
        But damn, it’s still hard to accept that those times of anxiety will still come! My thoughts are with you (and I don’t fly, so I get how you’re feeling… I only fly for emergency reasons and that hasn’t happened in more than 15 years).


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