I wish I could. I wish I could just decide to stop worrying. If I could even just decide to stop worrying about ONE THING. I wish I could.
I’m nauseous a lot these days. I thought it was the hormones that did it, but the pills are over with and so is my cycle. Why am I still nauseous? My stomach is less than happy, but that’s not terribly new for me. Today I’m sitting here waiting for Hub to come downstairs to lunch and I get jaw pain. I feel nauseous and I get jaw pain. Past couple of days my arm has been bothering me. My left arm. So we all know what those things mean, right? My heart. There’s got to be something wrong with my heart. I’ve been to the cardiologist, and he’s told me he sees nothing wrong (other than these fucking PVCs). It’s a recent visit, so what could have changed between then and now. Not much, I suspect. But still, my health anxiety ramped right up like it was never gone. Not that it was GONE, just that I’ve worked really hard to try to deal with it. I haven’t yet worked myself into full panic mode here, but that doesn’t mean feeling the way I’m feeling now is easy. It sucks.
I have this imbalance issue. If anyone has ever been on a boat and then when you get back onto land, you feel like you’re still on the boat. The ground under you feels like it’s moving and uneven. You walk like you’re drunk sometimes. For most people, their balance system readjusts soon after being on land (soon ranges in length of time, but for most people their system DOES readjust). For me, I had no boat ride, I just got the imbalance. It never really goes away, but sometimes it’s less noticeable than others. And sometimes it’s way more noticeable. Since the hormone jump, I’ve been dealing with it daily, walking down hallways and holding onto the walls. Always touching something nearby to ground myself from falling over. I don’t usually fall, but it often feels like I’m going to. It also makes me feel weak and out of control of my body. It’s not fun. This isn’t a health anxiety thing…I know what this is (or at least what the doctors tell me it is) and I’ve lived with it for 15 years. But like I said, sometimes it’s way less noticeable. Right now, very noticeable. It affects a lot of what I do and how I do it. This is really part of the reason I stopped driving, for fear that this imbalance turns into vertigo (which it has a couple of times) and for fear that the imbalance will affect my ability to react while I’m behind the wheel. I have driven the past couple of weeks, but not much. I would really hate to lose that accomplishment.
I feel like I’ve fallen backwards, both in how I feel physically as well as mentally. I know how clearly one is connected to the other. It’s easier to feel good mentally when you feel good physically. My challenge is how to disconnect the two and learn to feel good mentally even when my body doesn’t play along.
Does anyone else rock forward and back when they feel anxious? Or jitter their leg(s)? I have always rocked to try to distract myself from the anxiety. The leg jitter? That’s more to get the excess energy out, I think. I’ve been doing both more often, which is another sign that my health anxiety is getting the best of me.
Why do I worry so much about my heart? My parents and maternal grandparents have (had) no heart issues. My father’s parents both died of heart problems, but it was either when I was very young (too young to understand) or before I was born. I don’t know why the focus is there. I’ve always been overweight and I wonder often if I feel like I’m punishing myself for being overweight by worrying about my heart. Like being fat equals dying of a heart attack. I don’t know. I wish I could figure out how to forgive myself for being fat to see if that would help me let go of the health anxiety. But again, that’s something I am working on…