Decide to stop

05 Mar

I wish I could. I wish I could just decide to stop worrying. If I could even just decide to stop worrying about ONE THING. I wish I could.

I’m nauseous a lot these days. I thought it was the hormones that did it, but the pills are over with and so is my cycle. Why am I still nauseous? My stomach is less than happy, but that’s not terribly new for me. Today I’m sitting here waiting for Hub to come downstairs to lunch and I get jaw pain. I feel nauseous and I get jaw pain. Past couple of days my arm has been bothering me. My left arm. So we all know what those things mean, right? My heart. There’s got to be something wrong with my heart. I’ve been to the cardiologist, and he’s told me he sees nothing wrong (other than these fucking PVCs). It’s a recent visit, so what could have changed between then and now. Not much, I suspect. But still, my health anxiety ramped right up like it was never gone. Not that it was GONE, just that I’ve worked really hard to try to deal with it. I haven’t yet worked myself into full panic mode here, but that doesn’t mean feeling the way I’m feeling now is easy. It sucks.

I have this imbalance issue. If anyone has ever been on a boat and then when you get back onto land, you feel like you’re still on the boat. The ground under you feels like it’s moving and uneven. You walk like you’re drunk sometimes. For most people, their balance system readjusts soon after being on land (soon ranges in length of time, but for most people their system DOES readjust). For me, I had no boat ride, I just got the imbalance. It never really goes away, but sometimes it’s less noticeable than others. And sometimes it’s way more noticeable. Since the hormone jump, I’ve been dealing with it daily, walking down hallways and holding onto the walls. Always touching something nearby to ground myself from falling over. I don’t usually fall, but it often feels like I’m going to. It also makes me feel weak and out of control of my body. It’s not fun. This isn’t a health anxiety thing…I know what this is (or at least what the doctors tell me it is) and I’ve lived with it for 15 years. But like I said, sometimes it’s way less noticeable. Right now, very noticeable. It affects a lot of what I do and how I do it. This is really part of the reason I stopped driving, for fear that this imbalance turns into vertigo (which it has a couple of times) and for fear that the imbalance will affect my ability to react while I’m behind the wheel. I have driven the past couple of weeks, but not much. I would really hate to lose that accomplishment.

I feel like I’ve fallen backwards, both in how I feel physically as well as mentally. I know how clearly one is connected to the other. It’s easier to feel good mentally when you feel good physically. My challenge is how to disconnect the two and learn to feel good mentally even when my body doesn’t play along.

Does anyone else rock forward and back when they feel anxious? Or jitter their leg(s)? I have always rocked to try to distract myself from the anxiety. The leg jitter? That’s more to get the excess energy out, I think. I’ve been doing both more often, which is another sign that my health anxiety is getting the best of me.

Why do I worry so much about my heart? My parents and maternal grandparents have (had) no heart issues. My father’s parents both died of heart problems, but it was either when I was very young (too young to understand) or before I was born. I don’t know why the focus is there. I’ve always been overweight and I wonder often if I feel like I’m punishing myself for being overweight by worrying about my heart. Like being fat equals dying of a heart attack. I don’t know. I wish I could figure out how to forgive myself for being fat to see if that would help me let go of the health anxiety. But again, that’s something I am working on…


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4 responses to “Decide to stop

  1. joeyfullystated

    March 6, 2015 at 11:20 am

    Oh my goodness, your anxiety is full-throttle on now. Yes, I experience what I call being spinny, but is really called vertigo, and it was the first symptom to scare the crap outta me, and the one that hung on the longest. I’d drive, petrified, because I could tell I was driving fine, but the tunnel vision and the shakes, so spinny. I’d keep my eyes on landmarks and signs, to keep the nausea away. It took me a REALLY long time to drive without it. Just over a year of saying, “It’s just anxiety, you’re driving fiiiiine.” Sometimes when the weather is bad and/or it’s dark, it starts up. When I wasn’t driving, it would happen to me while I walked, which is part of the reason I got the dog, so I would never walk alone again ❤ If I closed my eyes and put my arms out in front of me, I looked like I was made of jelly. I was such a wreck then. I was terrified all the time.
    It is not your heart, it is your anxiety. I know, because you've seen the cardiologist, and let's face it, if they found anything, they'd want your business!
    Do not be ashamed, you have had A LOT of stressors lately. I'm so sorry.
    Have you tried a bit of unusual movement to get your heart rate up and distract your brain? Try some exercise that you don't normally do, some new thing on youtube or somethin. Sometimes being active can stop the spinning for me.

    • meANXIETYme

      March 6, 2015 at 11:27 am

      The imbalance I have is not the same as vertigo/spinny. I get that rarely, but the boat-feeling (imbalance) is with me all the time. It’s supposably associated with silent migraines. I’m not sure I believe that, but it was the best diagnosis they could give me. I could be standing perfectly still and feel like my body was moving up and down or side to side…or forward and back. It’s not a nice feeling. It’s not an anxiety thing for me, but it does INDUCE anxiety. 😦 But yeah, driving with it is frightening.
      I know it’s not my heart…but my anxiety doesn’t listen to me. I have been able to deal with this much better in the past, but with feeling so poorly physically, this stacked on top of it, I don’t feel like I have the energy to work through it as well.
      I haven’t tried doing something different physically, mostly because I know it will make me feel worse physically because of my myofascial pain. Walking through the snow makes me feel like I’ve run a marathon afterwards…and that makes everything worse. I need to find SOMETHING distracting though. Maybe I can find some other kind of meditation thing on youtube to work my brain. (Being active doesn’t do anything for my imbalance, unfortunately.)
      Thanks for responding. It is helpful to have other people who understand.

      • joeyfullystated

        March 6, 2015 at 12:12 pm

        Oh. Well…. 😦
        Meditation sounds like a good idea then.
        I’ll just wish you better ❤

      • meANXIETYme

        March 6, 2015 at 3:24 pm

        Thank you. That is appreciated.


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