Spread ’em

29 Jan

Seriously, I spent time thinking about what to title this blog. And I spent even more time trying to decide how much ERCK I could get specific about. So I went “haha” with the title and am going to be polite in the blog.

I have my appointment with the new gynecologist tomorrow (this post will be scheduled, so I will likely be completely done with the appointment by the time it publishes). I’m not looking forward to it. I’ve had crappy experiences with gynecologists in the past. Fortunately, not crappy like most women have to deal with…but I’ve gone through multiple doctors as we moved houses and my cycle went cray-cray. I’ve been through many sides of the cycle experience, and I’ve been on and off pills to try to get things regulated. At some point, I just gave up and pretty much went with the flow. No pun intended. I have been told my weight has screwed up my cycle, but after losing a lot of weight it changed nothing. I was told I have fibroids (years ago) that shouldn’t bother me. Then I was told I have a thick uterine lining. Then I was told I had fibroids that were big (without symptoms) and that I should have a hysterectomy immediately. That doctor (who always acted so arrogant) freaked me out, and I ended up running off to a very highly regarded oncologist, who told me it was entirely appropriate to “wait and see”, especially since I wasn’t having symptoms (or problems). That was over two years ago. And since then, I’ve gone through the uterine cancer with my mother. I have no idea if there is a heredity component to uterine cancer (I’ve not googled it AT ALL), but when I was talking to T about it, she asked if I knew there was, what would I do? And I said I would pay much better attention to my gynecological health. So she told  me that I should consider following that path. So I’m trying…

I have the three lab reports from my three internal ultrasounds (aren’t THOSE just party-time fun?) so I can show it to the nurse practitioner I’m seeing tomorrow. (I would have had to wait another month see the doctor, and T told me the NP was actually much nicer.) I would assume she’s going to do an internal exam, probably a breast exam, and then we’ll jabber about my cycle issues and the fibroids. She’ll probably give me a referral for a mammogram (I’m past THAT AGE), and maybe I’ll end up with another internal ultrasound. I’ve put off worrying about this appointment until today. I’ve been trying to distract myself all day, and until the last couple of hours, it has worked. Now I’m thinking about it…and worrying over what’s going to come of it.

I have absolutely no need for my female organs. I’m not planning to have kids. I’m not attached to them emotionally. I’d probably be happier without them because they do cause me aggravation just thinking about the issues involved. I am also terrified of having surgery, with all that it entails. I do not have experience personally with surgery. I’ve been under anesthesia for a endoscopy…”twilight” they told me. I did not enjoy it. I woke up as they were pulling the tube from my throat and it was frightening and uncomfortable. Going “under” was also frightening and uncomfortable (although I had an awesome nurse who talked to me for as long as I could remember while I was going under). Clearly I survived the ordeal, and I would guess I’d be okay after a hysterectomy. My mother did really well with hers. 90% of the women I know personally have had the surgery and they all made it through. I always feel like I’m “special” and that if there is going to be a problem, then I’m going to have it. It seems to be a pattern for me. T tells me I’m not special in this manner. I disagree. We argue. It never resolves.

It’s time for me to close down for the night. Tomorrow is a new day. The appointment is late in the afternoon, so I get plenty of time to think about it again tomorrow. Cross your legs…errr, fingers for me.

It’s the day of and I’m nervous. Sitting around all day sucks. I slept really horribly last night, was up early, and my stomach has been unhappy all morning. Part of why I don’t like going to doctors is the anxiety of waiting for the appointment. The unknown…what’s going to happen, what’s going to be said, what’s going to be diagnosed. What bad thing is going to happen or be found. So anxious, ya’ll. Hub is at work so I’m here alone. He’s coming home to take me to the appointment, and I’m definitely going to tell the CRNP that I have an anxiety disorder. I hope she’ll be sympathetic and gentle in speaking with me. I really don’t like feeling this way. I want to distract myself, but it’s not really happening. Urg.


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10 responses to “Spread ’em

  1. joeyfullystated

    January 29, 2015 at 9:21 pm

    I’m thinking of you and hoping things went well. ❤
    I, too, have had a pile of sour gyno experiences. I DREAD IT, and i've gotta go before the school year ends. Maybe I'll be normal and good and they'll leave me alone. If not, just take it out! I want most of it out! I'm done makin babies!

    • meANXIETYme

      January 29, 2015 at 9:50 pm

      I went, I made it through, the CRNP was nice enough. I told her before we started talking that I had GAD and that was why Hub was in the room for the conversation part of the appointment. She made sure to tell me everything she was doing before she did it, which was nice of her (even though I knew what she was doing). They want me to get bloodwork done (shocking! NOT) and a mammogram (3d, not 3d…oh the choices for boob-ray!). The unfortunate part–which I’m not surprised about but definitely unhappy about–is that they want to put me on progesterone to force a cycle. THEN they want to do ultrasound and trans-vag ultrasound. I have done the progesterone dance before and I din’ like it one bit. And I already told Hub if she thinks I’m going to go on progesterone every month to keep up with cycles, we’re going to have to have a very deep discussion. Ain’t happenin’. I suspect she’ll wait until after bloodwork and ultrasounds to make that decision. I almost would rather consider the hysterectomy even though it scares the bejeezus out of me!
      Thanks for the good thoughts. I feel like there’s all kinds of stuff coming down on my head at once, but that’s another blog post…

  2. April

    January 30, 2015 at 9:11 am

    Thinking of you, and I hope you find peace.

    Yep, I think the worst part to worry about are the female bits. When I was 14, I had an ovarian cyst that engulfed my entire right ovary..they removed it. I have been told I would have trouble conceiving. I didn’t–three times. I was told I would go through menopause early. I didn’t. I was also told that due to all the scaring from the surgery at 14 and the c-sections, I would have to have a hysterectomy. I have been told that having a hysterectomy was nonsense. I have been told that my uterine lining was too thick for a woman who has gone through menopause which can indicate cancer. Then I was told that no, I didn’t.

    ….and they wonder why we obsessively worry. Not good for us GADs.

    (edited to fix would/wouldn’t for you!)

    • meANXIETYme

      January 30, 2015 at 10:11 am

      Seriously! They’ve told me that my lining is thick and I need the progesterone. Next time they said NOTHING about it, even though the lab report still said it was thick…but they were focused on the big fibroid. This CNRP said the lining is thick and should be attended to because thick linings could TURN INTO cancer at some point. Previous gyno said if I have a cycle 2x a year, she’s fine with that, others have said NO you need to have regular cycles. WTF peeps, get yourselves together and quit making us crazy!
      Mostly with the big fibroid, I’ve been told that they worry it might press on the tubes to the kidney and cause me issues. Last time they did the ultrasound they saw no evidence of the issue. Guess we’ll see for the next test…something else to try not to worry about!

      • April

        January 31, 2015 at 8:19 am

        ….and they wonder why we Google and come in with a *self diagnosis*. I don’t Google to freak myself out, I do it to drill them with answers to my questions. If the doctor patronizes me, I find another.

        I hope you find the answers soon!

      • meANXIETYme

        January 31, 2015 at 9:53 am

        I was just telling my therapist that yesterday! I think the main reason I used to Google so much is because I never trusted any of the doctors. The problem is, Googling DID freak me out because I couldn’t moderate myself.
        And yes, if the doctor patronizes me, I’m so out of there!
        Thanks for your thoughts. 🙂

      • April

        January 31, 2015 at 10:42 am

        You are far stronger than I am by avoiding Google. I have Googled the same information so many times and I haven’t learned anything new. The more I read, the more I feel sick to my stomach. I think the only reason I continue to do it is because it has benefited me with several different issues.

      • meANXIETYme

        January 31, 2015 at 1:31 pm

        There have been times when I’ve almost had to sit on my hands to not Google. It’s a terrible addiction/obsession for me. I am not sure what I’m going to do if there comes a point when I have to do research for myself…

      • April

        February 1, 2015 at 9:52 am

        I completely understand.


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