…jusssst in me.
Shut your eyes and trust in me
You can sleep safe and sound
Knowing I am around
Slip into silent slumber
Sail on a silver mist
Slowly and surely your senses
Will cease to resist
Trust in me, just in me
Shut your eyes and trust in me
So at my last appointment with T, we had a very odd tangential conversation. The point that is relevant is that I told her I could not wear ear plugs at night while trying to sleep (Hub snores like a mofo) because I couldn’t stand not being able to hear if something was happening (the dogs, fire, someone breaking into the house, a tree coming down, car alarm, etc). And I added that for as long as there have been headphones for portable music, I’ve NEVER used both sides of the headphones/earbuds. I would either leave one of the earbuds out or put the headphone BEHIND my ear so I had one ear open. She looked at me and said, “You really have no trust in the universe, do you?”
I laughed and said that was correct. She told me she swims underwater with headphones (or earbuds, I’m not sure). I was somewhat appalled! What if something happens and she can’t hear it?? She said she was actually swimming and two lifeguards were trying to get her attention because there was an issue with the pool and they needed her to get out. But she swims with a snorkel and so she doesn’t even come up for air. They finally caught her at one end by touching her leg. But my immediate thought was that she could have really had a major problem and no one could get her attention… the thought of it just gives me the shivers.
Anyway, so the other night, I’m in bed trying to fall asleep, and I start thinking about what she said (about the no trust in the universe). And my mind just gets hung up on trust. I have major trust issues, I’m well aware of that. But until I started really thinking about it, I didn’t realize how pervasive it really is. How it touches almost every part of my life. I start wondering if it isn’t hope (or lack of) that might be my biggest issue…it might be trust. I feel like it took me only a few moments to come up with tons of reasons I feel mistrustful. I suspect if I worked at it, I could trace it back to before I even understood what was happening. But in my memory and consciousness, I know that it started when I first got sick and not one doctor knew what the fuck to do with me. I always thought that doctors were smart, and if you got sick you went to them and they fixed you. That didn’t really happen for me. I went through more doctors than anyone I knew at the time, and had more tests and procedures than anyone at the time. And not one time did they come up with an answer…most of the time they sent me on to another doctor without any diagnosis. ONE doctor thought he knew–and I’m grateful because I felt he tried really hard to figure it out–but he really only left me with a “syndrome” which is technically just a collection of symptoms that are otherwise not categorizable. From there, I have a whole passel of doctors that never really knew what to do with me.
Then we move to personal things. Like my trust issue with friends, especially when the person I thought was my best friend actually broke into my house, ransacked it, and stole from me. And early in my relationship with Hub, there were a couple of instances that struck at my trust with him. And again later in our relationship. As much as I know we’ve worked hard at our relationship, it hasn’t been without hiccups. I try very very hard to trust Hub, but there are times when that issue rears its ugly head. Next up? My own body. I feel like I can’t trust my own body to perform the way it should. The pain, the inability to do things properly and maintain energy. The inability to maintain a good weight and/or lose weight. The muscles that don’t work right. The joints that are no longer smooth and reliable, sometimes even fail to hold me up. The stomach that doesn’t work properly or reliably. The wheat allergy, the egg allergy, the carbohydrate sensitivities. Bleh.
Universe problems. Starting with my unknown illnesses and resultant disabilities, then another round of unknown illnesses resulting in more disabilities…both illnesses leaving me unable to work and earn a living and help support my family. Then 9/11 — and with my mother in Washington D.C. less than 15 miles from where the Pentagon was hit. My grandfather was sick for months with no answers, then they finally figured out he had acute myeloid leukemia and he went into the hospital, then died alone overnight one night. My grandmother basically went blind, then got dementia and had to spend years and years being cared for 24/7 by (amazing) women who had to take care of her every need. Then watching her body slowly go downhill, and finally watching her die. Then my uncle fell ill with an unknown illness, he ends up in the hospital, and within days he’s in a coma, then dies. We still have no idea what happened. My aunt (his wife) gets ill from an unknown illness, goes into the hospital, ends up in a coma, and dies. We still have no idea what started it or why she died. My Sweet Pea, who got sick out of the blue, suffered through trauma and pain, and needed us to euthanize her so she wouldn’t suffer. My mother’s cancer, out of nowhere. All of these things happening in the last 15 years. There are more things, but I feel silly listing them all. I understand that life happens, and I understand that we are dealt the hand we are dealt…but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel mistrustful of the universe.
I understand that a lot of what I’ve said seems illogical. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel the way I feel. And I also wonder how control fits into this whole scenario? My lack of trust, does it lead me to wanting to control situations with the hope that I can make things work out the way I want? How are the two intertwined? How do I untwine them? How do I get over my mistrust I have? Any of it?
More questions than answers. More obsessing over the trust issues than I want. More things to talk with T about.