This has been…

17 Dec

…the strangest couple of days I’ve had in forever. I’ve had PVCs on and off since lunchtime, but none before. I’ve felt off and just BLAH all day. Near the later part of the afternoon, I was thinking of how stuck I feel, and how I’m wondering what happened to all the progress I’ve made over the last (almost) two years. I thought about making some doctor’s appointments, which is usually where I head when my anxiety is elevated. Especially the cardiologist…oftentimes the gynecologist. And I cried…twice. I’ve also felt on the verge of tears several more times in the past hours.

I’m not a crier. I don’t like to cry, and it doesn’t usually make me feel better. If this isn’t my hormones being all weird, I’m going to have to really question my mental state. It used to be I could time my menstrual cycle by my emotions…once a month I would burst into tears for absolutely no reason whatsoever. And like clockwork, I’d start my period a couple of days later. But in these later years of my life, my cycle has been so messed up that I rarely ever have a real menstrual cycle anymore. I’m not sure if it’s peri-menopause or what. Previous gyns have been uninterested in talking about peri-menopause and more interested in talking about my weight, or having major surgery to remove fibroids that are not causing me any symptoms. Needless to say I’m not fond of that gyno or their entire practice of doctors, of whom I’ve seen several over the years I went there (because of the doctor turn-over, sadly). T gave me information on a new gyno, but I haven’t attempted to make an appointment. She is a one-woman practice (with a NP) and is apparently very difficult to get an appointment with. I’m going to do it, because I feel like I need to be on the ball because of my mother’s issue with cancer, but I have not done it yet.

I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like feeling stuck and out of sorts. I have considered several times over the past two days of calling T’s office to see if I can move up my appointment, but I’ve resisted. I see her Friday, and this isn’t really an emergency. And dammit, I want to feel like I have some control over what is happening in my life. I feel like if I try to change my appointment, it’s a blemish on me. I don’t know why. I don’t resist seeing her…ever. And I never miss an appointment (although SHE has canceled or changed appointments on me). I always tell her the truth. But trying to move up an appointment by a day or two seems over-the-top. So I didn’t do it.

Is it always going to be like this? This up and down, forward and back progress? I don’t get any consistency. I can’t get a job the way I am and help contribute to my household. I am bored and stuck without some purpose…which leads me to more anxiety and periods of being stressed, depressed, and unhappy.


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4 responses to “This has been…

  1. joeyfullystated

    December 17, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    Well there’s a lot in here. If you’re late to the gyno, ya gotta go. I know I put mine off too long, and I gotta go next month. It will give me a PILE of anxiety, because I’m not interested in treatments, I just wanna be rid of it. Who knows, maybe I’ll go and I’ll be normal…I’m definitely in the peri-menopausal area of life which is weird and uncomfortable, but I’m also relieved there’s an end.
    And yes, I do think it’s a matter of progress and then a period of struggle, which I much prefer to think of as an opportunity for growth.
    Any time I’m physically unwell, anxiety plays up. And when my kids are sick, it plays up — which is not good, because I have a daughter with a chronic condition, and what’s even worse is that her current life choices force me into prayer more than her health!
    Sometimes I’m glad to be alone in the house, and other days I pine for my family — either one can produce anxiety. The holidays are not much help, at least until after the big hurrah.
    I would ask for an earlier appointment, I really would.
    As for the inability to work, consider volunteering. Purpose without pay is still purpose. ((((BIG HUGS))))

    • meANXIETYme

      December 17, 2014 at 8:51 pm

      I’m with you about the gyno. It’s why I don’t wanna go…. I haven’t even made the appointment yet and I’m already anxious about it. I feel like I’ve been dealing with peri for a while, but the previous gyno didn’t want to hear about it. She wanted to tell me to go to weight watchers because “it’s really working out great for all our nurses!” WHA?
      Opportunity for growth. Yeah, I can see that…maybe once I’m OUT of this growth opportunity, I’ll see it that way?
      My health anxiety always gets ramped up the minute I start feeling poorly. It’s a terrible cycle, you know? Of course you know! HA. (not that it’s funny, but you know…)
      Ditto on being alone vs family. Hub, unfortunately, has been working hours away from home for these days I’ve been feeling off. He hates it, I hate it, but he has to do it to keep his job. But when he gets home, I just want to go hide alone…I do feel relieved he’s in the house with me but I don’t want him smothering me, which he likes to do.
      I’m sorry that you have all these same things like I do. I mean, it’s nice for me because there’s someone out there who understands, but it sucks that there’s someone out there who understands so well.
      As for volunteering, I actually DO volunteer. I do some community-based work from home when they need me, and I still do crochet hats for cancer patients. Somehow, neither has filled the spot I need to fill.
      Thanks again. And I always return (((HUGS))) when they’re offered. 🙂

  2. April

    December 19, 2014 at 7:54 am

    I wish I knew if the forward and backward ends. I’m taking the forward every chance I get. If you make that appointment and go…your anxiety will go away quicker. 🙂

    • meANXIETYme

      December 19, 2014 at 10:04 am

      I made all the appointments. And I also made an appointment for blood work for today…woo!


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