…the strangest couple of days I’ve had in forever. I’ve had PVCs on and off since lunchtime, but none before. I’ve felt off and just BLAH all day. Near the later part of the afternoon, I was thinking of how stuck I feel, and how I’m wondering what happened to all the progress I’ve made over the last (almost) two years. I thought about making some doctor’s appointments, which is usually where I head when my anxiety is elevated. Especially the cardiologist…oftentimes the gynecologist. And I cried…twice. I’ve also felt on the verge of tears several more times in the past hours.
I’m not a crier. I don’t like to cry, and it doesn’t usually make me feel better. If this isn’t my hormones being all weird, I’m going to have to really question my mental state. It used to be I could time my menstrual cycle by my emotions…once a month I would burst into tears for absolutely no reason whatsoever. And like clockwork, I’d start my period a couple of days later. But in these later years of my life, my cycle has been so messed up that I rarely ever have a real menstrual cycle anymore. I’m not sure if it’s peri-menopause or what. Previous gyns have been uninterested in talking about peri-menopause and more interested in talking about my weight, or having major surgery to remove fibroids that are not causing me any symptoms. Needless to say I’m not fond of that gyno or their entire practice of doctors, of whom I’ve seen several over the years I went there (because of the doctor turn-over, sadly). T gave me information on a new gyno, but I haven’t attempted to make an appointment. She is a one-woman practice (with a NP) and is apparently very difficult to get an appointment with. I’m going to do it, because I feel like I need to be on the ball because of my mother’s issue with cancer, but I have not done it yet.
I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like feeling stuck and out of sorts. I have considered several times over the past two days of calling T’s office to see if I can move up my appointment, but I’ve resisted. I see her Friday, and this isn’t really an emergency. And dammit, I want to feel like I have some control over what is happening in my life. I feel like if I try to change my appointment, it’s a blemish on me. I don’t know why. I don’t resist seeing her…ever. And I never miss an appointment (although SHE has canceled or changed appointments on me). I always tell her the truth. But trying to move up an appointment by a day or two seems over-the-top. So I didn’t do it.
Is it always going to be like this? This up and down, forward and back progress? I don’t get any consistency. I can’t get a job the way I am and help contribute to my household. I am bored and stuck without some purpose…which leads me to more anxiety and periods of being stressed, depressed, and unhappy.