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Struggling

12 Nov

I’m still struggling. Last night was a bad night. I ate something that did not agree with me and for the remainder of the night, I was awash with anxiety. It was a typical gluten’d feeling: hot face, feeling hot and cold, anxious, antsy, wired, and thinking about my health. The few times I managed to doze off, I had terrible dreams that stayed with me even after. When Hub went downstairs to work this morning, I dozed again and had more dreams. Bad ones. Unhappy, uncomfortable ones. I’m tired, and I feel down. At the moment, I’m struggling not to cry.

On top of already feeling like crap today, two different times on tv they were talking about women’s health. The first one was heart health, and how women’s symptoms of heart attacks are different from men. When I saw that the segment was upcoming, I took the dogs outside and stayed out for at least half an hour so I would miss the whole thing. It’s too much of a trigger for me. But then as we were getting ready for dinner, there was a local report about breast cancer and how women are just skipping their mammograms. Since my mom was diagnosed with uterine cancer, I’ve been struggling not to dwell on the potential for the hereditary impact on me. I’ve never had a mammogram, though I’m 42. The year that it was first recommended to me, I was unhappy with my gyno, so I didn’t follow through. I’ve not been back to any gyno since that whole episode, so there’s been no one to write me a script to get one. And truthfully, I’m afraid of what might come of it. Now with my mother’s diagnosis, I’m even more afraid of cancer than I was before. Even though my mother did pretty well (relatively speaking) going through her surgery and chemo, I’m way more sensitive to everything than she is, and I’m afraid of everything surrounding the potential of cancer. Surgeries, chemo, pain, nausea, etc etc. But still, the segment on the news triggered me, and I feel anxious and upset. I know part of it is because I’m really tired, but part of it is because I am me.

Tomorrow I go back to the dentist for a cleaning. I’ve enlisted Hub to drive me to and from. I expect he’ll sit in the waiting room and wait for me, even though the dentist is only 15 minutes away from home and it’s only a cleaning. And if they let him, he’d come back and sit with me while I got the cleaning. I haven’t had a cleaning in about 3 years, and prior to that I was in and out of the dentist’s office fairly regularly. I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it. But my anxiety is worse now than it used to be for me. And this dentist is new to me, as is the hygienist I’ll be seeing tomorrow, so I’m apprehensive. I’m not anxious yet, but we’ll see how the night goes. Unfortunately, my back has been bothering me all afternoon, but I’ve already rescheduled once and I’d like to get this over with. I know the anticipation is worse than the actual appointment will be. I’ve had enough cleanings to know that they are generally uncomfortable, but not life-threatening. However, this IS the first time this hygienist will be dealing with my frakin’ baby tooth. Urg.

I had my session with T this past Friday. I ended up crying in session, because I told her how much I miss my writing. She keeps telling me that I need to get back to it, because it is my purpose. Without it, she thinks I’ll continue to be stuck and struggle. I want to write so badly, but it isn’t working. I’m angry that my books don’t sell anymore, and that no one ever gives me any feedback. It’s like dumping a child out into the void, never to be heard from again. It’s hard to continue to put yourself out there and never see any kind of return. In that same vein, I made a hand-made crocheted gift for a friend, sent it to her, and never heard back from her about it. WTH. It’s painful for me to say, but I want to be validated. I want someone to say THANK YOU. To say, “Whoa, you put your heart and soul in that. That’s awesome.” What I get is radio silence. And it makes getting motivated to do stuff very difficult. It used to be that I’d write for myself, but that doesn’t seem to be enough for me now. I need to find that kind of satisfaction for myself again, and quit worrying about other people validating me.

I do feel like I’m a bit depressed these days. I’m tired and angry and stuck. I’m in pain. My tinnitus is acting up big time. My weight is still an issue. I have anxious moments. Is that reason enough to be sad? Or is this a depressive episode? Does it matter?

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6 responses to “Struggling

  1. April

    November 14, 2014 at 9:56 am

    I don’t know, maybe I’ve told you this before, but when I went to my therapist to control my health anxiety, I realized that I had anxiety over just about everything. I made a huge snowball of anxiety and it kept growing, overtaking most of my daily thoughts. Hang in there.

    p.s. Point me to your books–if you want to remain anonymous on here, my email is momof3isnuts@gmail.com

     
    • meANXIETYme

      November 14, 2014 at 10:31 am

      Yeah, I know that my health anxiety is wrapped up in my anxiety as a whole. However, I’ve been able to get a good handle on most of my anxiety, but the health stuff still lingers. T tells me she doesn’t see me being able to conquer it because it is so deeply ingrained. I still hope that I can get past it, because I didn’t really see myself conquering ANY of my anxiety issues. I’m better, because it’s not so pervasive, but it’s still lingering, especially with triggers.

      I can drop you an email about my books, no problem. But they’re romance novels, and I don’t like to press people into reading genres they don’t prefer. ๐Ÿ™‚ I gave T copies because she asked for them, and beyond telling me she was “honored” that I shared them with her, she never said a word about them again. *sigh* I know she’s not a romance novel kind of reader, so I wasn’t really surprised, but still…

       
      • April

        November 14, 2014 at 2:38 pm

        A favorite genre of mine. ๐Ÿ™‚

         
  2. joeyfullystated

    December 1, 2014 at 6:35 pm

    I so relate to spending a half an hour outside with the dogs to avoid a health report. I don’t care for the little health promo shows in the doctor’s office, either. They raise my blood pressure!
    I currently have a really bad UTI. I’m being treated, but it’s not going away as quickly as usual. I am having anxiety thoughts about it, which make it hard to live.
    I can easily obsess over my health, which is, as you know, bad for my health!
    I’ve been to the dentist frequently in the last few months, trying to repair as much as I can afford before the deductible is spent. He went too far with the drill, caused me 48 hours of extra pain, resulting in my returning for another appointment to finish, and then as soon as I sat in that chair, gone were my thoughts of gratitude for dentistry, gratitude for dental insurance, gratitude for money, joy in caring for myself, for being a good role model to my children, pride in being brave, in not taking a benzo — all were replaced with fear. I spent the two hours in the chair feeling absolutely nothing but fear of repeating the same painful experience.
    I no more than got over that infection before getting this UTI and as such, I have been living in anxious state for about a month now. But I did write, as you know, and I do believe it helped.

     
    • meANXIETYme

      December 1, 2014 at 8:35 pm

      I am so incredibly impressed that you went back again, so multiple bonus points for you! But I get it…it takes so little for my health anxiety to spike up, and it takes so much effort to tamp it down again. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

      I hope you’re feeling better soon. UTIs are no freaking fun. It wreaks havoc with your whole system, which just feeds the anxiety monster.

      And also, congrats on NaNoWriMo. I’ve never done it because I’m not that disciplined. I did NaBloWriMo once. It was haaaaaaaaaaaaard, and for sure I didn’t come anywhere near 50,000 words over the whole month of blogs!

       
      • joeyfullystated

        December 1, 2014 at 9:00 pm

        I hate that you suffer the same way, but I love that it makes me feel better. :/

         

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