Still here

03 Nov

I’m still here. It’s been a busy couple of weeks as we prepped for our charity event. Then immediately following, I was with my Mom as she went for another appointment to find out about the results of her CT scan (good!) and to get blood work drawn for the trial she is participating in. I got to see the nurses again, and in particular give one of them a giant hug for taking such good care of my mother through all of her infusions. We were lucky to get the same nurse for 4 of the six infusions, and I say lucky because she was really fabulous. I hugged her a couple of times and tearfully thanked her, and then I gave her a hat that I crocheted for her. But I reminded her it was a winter hat, not a chemo hat…and that I hoped it would remind her of the wonderful work she does for the people who come into her care.

On a slightly more BLEH note, I’m unhappy. In therapy with T, I’m telling her that I feel stuck because I don’t want to fail. If I don’t pick a path, then I don’t have to think about failing. I’m tired of failing. I have a whole list of failures behind me, and when I think of what to do next, I just feel like I can’t take one more failure. So if I don’t DO anything, I don’t fail. T wanted me to sit and think of the good things that came from my “failures” because none of them are really failures, they are lessons learned. I’m still in a place where I disagree, so I guess I’m not ready to broach that with myself. So T suggested that she thinks I’m afraid to hope…that this is what is underlying the failure. But I don’t know what it is I’m afraid to hope for? Not failing? Ech.

Another failure is that I’ve gained a bunch of weight. From the time we adopted Butthead in May of 2013, I’ve been slowly gaining back the weight I lost when I was sick and not eating in fall of 2012. I’d maintained a 45 pound weightloss right up until we adopted Butthead. Then I was so stressed and wanting some kind of pleasant distraction from her that I ate. I slowly gained ten pounds. Then ten more. Then when I got that crappy cold a few weeks ago, I ate so much (salty) pre-made soup and broth and stuff, that I gained more weight. I thought it would ease off when I stopped eating that stuff, but instead I’ve been snacking on junk. I think it’s because I’m not wanting to deal with stuff in therapy and eating is a distraction from that, too. Plus, the release of a lot of time spent focusing on my mom’s infusions is gone, too. Now her recovery is stretched out over months and months, and I’m at a loss as to how to figure out my own life again. And I feel like crap. I feel bloated and uncomfortable, which is making me unhappy and cranky. I’m also having some pain flares, so that isn’t helping me either. Bad dreams, not sleeping. What else can I add to my list? Oh yeah, and a couple of anxiety issues, mostly overnight or late at night when I should be sleeping and instead am sitting up feeling anxious.

Hub is stressed with stuff going on at work and I feel like there is so much falling by the wayside here at home. Which stresses me out even more. So I’ve been avoiding everything. And eating. And wondering what the hell I’m going to talk about at therapy on Friday, because I have no answers. No path. No idea what direction to go in. Just stagnant and stressed.

Woo hoo. NOT.


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4 responses to “Still here

  1. joeyfullystated

    November 4, 2014 at 6:20 pm

    I’m sorry to read about you stuck in a rut, or in a funk, or however you’d like to put it. I hope you find yourself inspired soon. ❤

    • meANXIETYme

      November 4, 2014 at 7:12 pm

      A rut and a funk… is that a fut or a runk? Whichever, I’m in it for sure.
      But thanks, as much as it doesn’t sound like it, I AM looking to find a way forward!

  2. April

    November 4, 2014 at 8:48 pm

    I have stresses that I’m ignoring through food–specifically candy–lots of it. If I weren’t on so many medications, I may even have a little gin and tonic to ignore the stress. But you know, letting it build with no release infects other parts of our lives. I’m glad you share with us that frustrates you. It’s a good way to let it all out. At least it is for me. You could try meditation. (I’m being sarcastic–I have yet to figure out how an anxious person can get their minds in a place void of racing thoughts)

    • meANXIETYme

      November 4, 2014 at 9:27 pm

      I do get significant relief from my thoughts when I’m crocheting, so that’s about as close to “meditation” as I can get. But I’ve been working so hard on crocheting that I’m near burn-out, and the time where I WAS crocheting is now being filled with looking for snacks, thinking about snacks, or snacking. It’s ridiculous. I hate being obsessed with food. I certainly have no interest in becoming paranoid about what food I put in my mouth, but I have to get a hold of my snack compulsions.
      Yeah, I have to be able to talk about this, but of all the issues I have, this is one I can’t talk about with my family. I’ve talked about it with Hub to a point, but he has so many stresses and his own dietary issues…
      So thank you to you both for helping me talk through this. It helps to have people who get it.


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