A classic(al) failure

08 Aug

I think I’m in a crappy mood. In fact, I’m pretty sure of it. Just a forewarning.

In my previous post, I talked about being disconnected, and how T was suggesting I try listening to some classical music to see if I could find some body awareness. She even indicated that she feels her feelings in her “heart chakra”…which, no offense to anyone, is kind of where she lost me. I don’t know how I feel about the chakra stuff, but then again I’m not knowledgeable about it. So take that as it is. Anyway, I’m sure my eyes kind of glazed over when she started talking like that. However, being the good therapy-attender that I am–and my issues with perfectionism–I tried what she asked me to try.

I looked up the composer she suggested and I tried listening to a couple of compositions. I tried, over and over again. And I was bored. I don’t like classical music. I’ve never liked classical music. I don’t get emotional over music or art or even books. As much as I love reading and I love books, I don’t even get emotional over them…at least not like she’s asking for. Yes, I feel emotional, and yes when the characters and/or story are good, I get invested. But I can’t say I’ve ever felt that connection physically in my body. I just don’t understand that. I don’t get it. I don’t know what she’s LOOKING for, and I’m so frustrated.

I have my appointment with her tomorrow, so again I tried. I went through two composers tonight and got nowhere. The music is…fine. It’s music. It sounds like an orchestra. I hear the movements, the changes in speed, texture, tone. I could tell you all about it if I really got into it. I could use ALL the words. But to feel any of it in my body…sorry, no. I tried to listen to a couple of works from some guy whose music sounds like what you might get in a movie? And there was some chanting (this kind of stuff is similar to what Hub likes to listen to on occasion) with the music. And sure, it was interesting. And I plowed through four or five of his “songs”, but did they give me some sort of feeling physically? No. Other than frustration, which gives me heartburn.

Am I broken? What the hell? Do other people feel all the feelings in their body when they listen to music? Or look at a piece of art? Or read a book, touch a piece of pottery, a statue, a handmade quilt? I have feelings. I have emotions. I can tell you all about them. Why is it necessary for me to feel something physically in my body to prove something?

Told you I was in a crappy mood. I feel like I’ve failed at whatever it is she’s asked me to do, which I’m not even sure about. I’m disappointed.


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10 responses to “A classic(al) failure

  1. joeyfullystated

    August 8, 2014 at 10:25 am

    I think this might be a place where your desire to please your therapist by doing the work is only working against you. Stop doing it. Yes, I feel bodily changes when I listen to music, especially classical music, and maybe a lot of people do, including your therapist — but you don’t. It’s not a failure, it’s a difference.
    Research says that classical music affects our heart rate and breathing, relaxing us. It’s certainly true for me, but if you’re trying to feel things that you can’t feel, then that’s creating more stress, and then the point of it is lost.

    I love chakra meditations. I’ve done them for over 20 years. I do buy into the whole chi thing, so they’re helpful to me. I find it’s like feng shui for the soul. Out with the crap, in with the good. It leaves me feeling lighter, physically, but again, that may not be the case for you.

    I am sad you’re frustrated, and hope you find some way to move forward. Maybe she will try a different approach when you tell her this one isn’t helping. I do wish you relief.

    • meANXIETYme

      August 8, 2014 at 10:44 am

      I’m not sure whether it’s about pleasing HER or attempting everything to see what works for me. Yes, I’m frustrated, but I also haven’t told her that the experiment didn’t work (since I only see her every 2 weeks). She did promise to talk to one of the other therapists in the group to see what other “exercises” might work for me (someone who does more of these “embodiment” exercises). She was quick to point out that this isn’t a pass or fail thing, that it’s a trial and error thing…still it’s difficult for me to remember that it’s the exercise that failed, not me. Mindfulness, in how I speak to myself…I still have to work hard at that every single day.

      Like I said, I don’t know much of anything about the chakra work…I just know there are times she says stuff to me that it just goes over my head. I suck at meditation–other than getting lost in crochet work, which has gotten more difficult as I’ve started getting wrist pain–so I suspect that doing the chakra meditation that you are talking about probably wouldn’t work for me. (Why does wordpress keep underlining chakra as being mispelled?!)

      I’m going to keep trying different exercises until something works for me. I’m open to it, even though it can be frustrating. Of course, being in a crap mood the past couple of days hasn’t helped. 🙂

      Thanks for the good wishes. I’m still reaching for that relief.

      • joeyfullystated

        August 8, 2014 at 10:47 am

        Chakra is Sanscrit, and you know Google hates everything but American English, lol!

        Mindfulness is half the work, I swear. Sometimes I feel like I just wanna read or watch tv all damn day, and not be mindful at all!

      • meANXIETYme

        August 8, 2014 at 11:12 am

        Oh yeah, gotta love Google. 🙂

        And yeah, there are days when I want to just veg and tell my brain to take a damn hike. But like everything else about it, it’s too damn stubborn to shut the hell up! LOL

  2. potatofag

    August 8, 2014 at 10:52 am

    Classical piano music is my anxiety relief. 🙂

    • meANXIETYme

      August 8, 2014 at 11:16 am

      Would you believe that my therapist wanted me to find something that was NOT piano to listen to?? That was really difficult to do…

      It’s amazing how music can shift your mood. I know that I listen to music at night to fall asleep, but it’s mostly for distraction from my tinnitus and from my thoughts.

  3. April

    August 8, 2014 at 11:23 am

    My therapist wanted me to describe the physical feeling I was going to great lengths to avoid any type of anxiety. I batted my eyes about a million times. She is the one who went to school for this kind of crap, I couldn’t put words to my physical feeling of anxiety–except all the obvious anxiety producing physical symptoms.

    I know the feeling of disconnectedness, but I couldn’t tell you when I finally had a turning point. I suppose the only encouragement I can give is to keep trying new things. Eventually, you will find what’s right for you.

    • meANXIETYme

      August 8, 2014 at 11:30 am

      There are times when my therapist says stuff that I just stare at her. And then she stares back. And I’m thinking “YOU are the one who has the degree for this shit, YOU tell ME!” … and I just tell her I have no idea. And she tries to lead me and I feel like a dope when I don’t understand what she’s getting at. Isn’t there a better way for them to do that kind of stuff??

      Thanks, I AM going to keep trying…at least for now. 🙂

      • April

        August 8, 2014 at 11:40 am

        Mine gives me an eye lift, or scrunches her eyebrows when I say something she doesn’t feel “is best for me”.

        However, her words are definitely an ear worm. I hear her questions every time I’m about to over worry, or get a little down.

      • meANXIETYme

        August 8, 2014 at 12:08 pm

        Ugh. Those looks are SO annoying!

        But yes, I do know the work I’m doing and the knowledge I’m getting from T is working.


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