I think I’m in a crappy mood. In fact, I’m pretty sure of it. Just a forewarning.
In my previous post, I talked about being disconnected, and how T was suggesting I try listening to some classical music to see if I could find some body awareness. She even indicated that she feels her feelings in her “heart chakra”…which, no offense to anyone, is kind of where she lost me. I don’t know how I feel about the chakra stuff, but then again I’m not knowledgeable about it. So take that as it is. Anyway, I’m sure my eyes kind of glazed over when she started talking like that. However, being the good therapy-attender that I am–and my issues with perfectionism–I tried what she asked me to try.
I looked up the composer she suggested and I tried listening to a couple of compositions. I tried, over and over again. And I was bored. I don’t like classical music. I’ve never liked classical music. I don’t get emotional over music or art or even books. As much as I love reading and I love books, I don’t even get emotional over them…at least not like she’s asking for. Yes, I feel emotional, and yes when the characters and/or story are good, I get invested. But I can’t say I’ve ever felt that connection physically in my body. I just don’t understand that. I don’t get it. I don’t know what she’s LOOKING for, and I’m so frustrated.
I have my appointment with her tomorrow, so again I tried. I went through two composers tonight and got nowhere. The music is…fine. It’s music. It sounds like an orchestra. I hear the movements, the changes in speed, texture, tone. I could tell you all about it if I really got into it. I could use ALL the words. But to feel any of it in my body…sorry, no. I tried to listen to a couple of works from some guy whose music sounds like what you might get in a movie? And there was some chanting (this kind of stuff is similar to what Hub likes to listen to on occasion) with the music. And sure, it was interesting. And I plowed through four or five of his “songs”, but did they give me some sort of feeling physically? No. Other than frustration, which gives me heartburn.
Am I broken? What the hell? Do other people feel all the feelings in their body when they listen to music? Or look at a piece of art? Or read a book, touch a piece of pottery, a statue, a handmade quilt? I have feelings. I have emotions. I can tell you all about them. Why is it necessary for me to feel something physically in my body to prove something?
Told you I was in a crappy mood. I feel like I’ve failed at whatever it is she’s asked me to do, which I’m not even sure about. I’m disappointed.