I had my session with T today, some of which was taken up by my issues surrounding this funtastic post. I’m distressed over what happened, and I feel badly for my brother because something must be going on that he isn’t ready to discuss yet. Which is his prerogative, to not discuss it. But in the end, I shouldn’t have engaged with him in what happened. I should have just stopped the whole thing by saying my decision was done and I wasn’t discussing it further. I wasn’t really prepared for what happened with him because we rarely have fights.
Toward the end of my almost-hour, T asked where I wanted to go from there with our sessions. I said that I still needed to work on why I felt so blocked with everything. That I’m sure she had figured it out by now, but I hate the thought of failure. That I feel like everything I’ve done up to this point has ended in failure, and I’m locked in place because I don’t want to make another decision that ends in failure. Our previous session she tried to convince me that any path could be the right one…could LEAD me to the right one, but taking no path goes nowhere. I told her today that I’m frozen in place because I feel like every path ends in failure, no matter what direction I pick. And I’m tired of failing, and tired of feeling like a failure.
We talked a little about my writing, because last time I promised I would write something, despite my inability to write anything in recent months (besides blogs). And I did…I wrote about 1500 words that I don’t think will go anywhere. I didn’t go back and re-read it or edit it, and I may never look at it again. The point was, I did it and was doable. And we talked about another writing exercise where I pick up a book and take a line out of the book, then start writing my own version of where the story will go from there. I said I would try it, but I have no idea how that’s going to work. Then we talked about the fact that she’s never read any of my books, which made me feel uncomfortable. I told her she’s never ASKED to read them, but now she says she is asking. I’m very self-conscious about my books, even though they are published and out there for everyone to read. She said maybe it was too intimate for me to allow her to read something of mine, but that isn’t really it. I always feel like my writing isn’t good enough…that what I write is junk. She said she didn’t believe me when I said that I don’t feel that my work is all that special, just that it has a special niche for readers. She said having known me and spoken to me so much, she feels I must have the talent to write because of how I speak and the thoughts I have. I don’t agree. I know I have self-confidence issues, but I’m not sure if that’s a writer thing or if it’s just me.
I’ve had books published since 2001, and I have some really nice fans who follow me and email me. But for the most part it’s such a solitary career that it’s hard to know if anyone actually enjoys your writing. And being a small author with small publishers, every time sales numbers come in, I get more depressed about it. It’s never the number I want, and so at some point I stopped paying attention. Is it because I’m no good at writing, or because I am no good at marketing my writing? Either way, I feel like the end result is failure. Either failure at being an author or failure at being able to market my books. Or both. Bleh.