Please, I’m so tired. I don’t want to dream, because my dreams always end up being nightmares.
Last night (or early this morning, more specifically), I had a stupid snake dream again. This time Hub was in the dream with me, and I was upset that I thought he forgot to let Le Moo out before we left the house first thing in the morning. And we were somewhere where there were snakes all over us and I kept trying to swipe them off of him because they were tangled around his shoulders and in his hair (which is down past his shoulders).
It sucks. I know I’ve said it before, but your bed should be comforting and relaxing…it should give you rest and rejuvenation. Instead I feel like I’m always fighting for comfort and sleep. I’m always so restless and uncomfortable, whether it’s body aches or temperature, and I end up getting up two to three times a night to go to the bathroom. I think it’s because I’m uncomfortable and awake, otherwise I think I’d sleep through the night. I don’t know what to do to change things, which is the most frustrating. And I wake up so early these days and can’t get back to sleep, so I’m exhausted all day.
I know stress makes this worse, and for damn sure I’m stressed.
This morning, post-nightmare, I felt anxious. I wanted to type “I felt SO anxious”, but truthfully I know I’ve had it worse. But after not dealing with anxiety attacks for a while, I guess I didn’t immediately remember how bad it CAN be. I was anxious, though, and I felt my breath coming too fast. I couldn’t get it to regulate, but I knew full well that it was the nightmare affecting me, and that my stomach was upset. When my stomach is upset, I get anxious. I think I dozed for about 20 minutes, tossing and turning still, then gave up and got up. Now I’m downstairs in my family room, feeling like I could sleep for a couple of hours. But I don’t sleep during the day. I NEVER sleep during the day, no matter how tired or sick I feel. I may give in and lay down in bed, but sleep never comes. I end up laying there staring at the ceiling or listening to music or the tv.
I’m done, ya’ll. This sleep thing isn’t new, but today it just felt overwhelming again. I want so much to feel rested, but I fear that will never come.