21 Jun

We made it through the orientation session for Mom’s chemo, and then the first infusion itself yesterday. The facility was nice, the nurse was really great, and Mom had no allergic reactions or issues. The worst part was that she was annoyed at having to sit around for so many hours. The infusion center only allowed one person to sit with her at a time, so my father and I swapped out every hour or so. I would sit in the waiting area and he would sit with her. Then when he needed a break, he came to get me and I went and sat with her.

We crocheted, we talked. She played games on her iPad and read her book. We made it through the day with no issues. She had lunch during the infusion, I ate in the waiting room. My dad walked to a restaurant in the main hospital and ate while I stayed with Mom. I brought a ton of things to do–two tablets, my crocheting, my phone–and I kept myself busy. The infusion room were large and I felt like just in our area, there were about 15 people. The infusion center works with all kinds of infusions, not just cancer, so there were all types of people–ages, stages of health, genders. It was surreal, and I felt like I didn’t know whose life I was living. I don’t know how else to explain it, other than I never expected to see my mother sick. And I never expected to sit with her in an infusion center. And I never expected to look at her and SEE my grandmother. All of these things converged on me at once yesterday.

Today I can see the manic side effect in my mother already today from the steroids they gave her pre-chemo. There’s a huge list of side effects for her–including hair loss, of course–that we are trying NOT to anticipate. She’s as prepared as she can be, and from that we are going to take it one day at a time. And deal with what happens on that day without trying to anticipate what will come next…what will get worse or not.

I’m so happy that I’m able to help my parents. But I’m afraid of letting them down if I get sick, or can’t live up to their expectations. I know they would be able to navigate this without me…I’m not so vain to think they can’t handle things. I keep reminding myself that they would be okay, and that I’m going to do the things I can. And let my brothers and others help when they can.

And enjoy the time I’m spending with my parents no matter the situation we’re in at the moment. We can still have fun in the infusion center, so that’s what we’re going to do when we’re there.

I feel rambling. I’m going to stop now.


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4 responses to “Ripples

  1. April

    June 22, 2014 at 12:34 pm

    I sat with my sister during her dialysis sessions. We would laugh and tell stories. It made the time pass quickly for her, but I didn’t want her life to pass quickly. We talked a lot about living in the moment, and dying. I learned I couldn’t do anything for her, but sitting with her meant the world to her. She taught me a lot about living. I’m glad that you can still have fun with your parents. Sometimes it is way too easy to focus on the bad things going on, and forget about what we have to make us happy–at this moment. Sending you a bunch of positive thoughts, and strength for you and your family.

    • meANXIETYme

      June 22, 2014 at 12:41 pm

      Thank you so much for the thoughts. I’m trying to keep in my head that my mom is LIVING right now. What happens tomorrow is never a given, so no matter what we’re doing together, I’m going to be in that moment and live with her.

  2. joeyfullystated

    June 23, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    I’m glad you have this time. I look forward to reading about brighter days for both of you, but memories are being made, no matter how bittersweet. ❤

    • meANXIETYme

      June 23, 2014 at 10:10 pm

      I look forward to those days, too! And fortunately, even with the hard things going on, we’re doing the best we can to make every day as “normal” as we can. 🙂
      Thanks for your sweet thoughts!


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