What does it say about me? Over the past week, two times I have warned my husband, “Don’t be nice to me.”
At one point we were talking again about my brother and father, and I was telling Hub that I was trying to be supportive to my mom in the ways that I could be, and he hugged me and told me I was a good daughter. And I felt the tears rush into my eyes, and I said, “Don’t be nice to me.” Because I know when I’m emotional, if someone is nice to me it makes me even more emotional and I wanted to remain in control at that point. Another time, it was again about my mom and I went into Hub’s arms for support, and he said something nice to me and I told him not to. For the same reason.
I have this issue with a couple of people. My mom, two of my brothers (one more than the other can just look at me when emotions are high and I’ll burst into tears), Hub… If I’m in an emotional state and they say nice things, it will make me burst into tears. I guess it’s a safety thing (as in I feel safe with them) or maybe it’s leftover from my childhood from something, I’m not sure. But really, I’ve made that statement (Don’t be nice to me) many times over the years I’ve been an adult. Does it mean anything? Does it mean something different when I say it to Hub?
Why does it trigger me to tears? Why can’t I handle someone being nice to me at a time when that’s absolutely appropriate? Am I just afraid of emotional overload? Or am I feeling not worthy of someone being nice to me? Or am I unable to accept kindness?
Or am I over-analyzing?
I once asked T why I retreat when most people look to others for support. Even when I’m sick, I really want to be left alone. When I’ve gotten bad news, I will put on a mask until I’m alone and I can break down. Later, I will go and talk about whatever it is with Hub or my mom or my best friend…in a manner that is more down-to-earth. She told me that she felt it was healthy to do what I am doing…with respect to me individually. That apparently I understood what I needed to soothe myself and that I should allow myself to do things that way. Am I doing the same thing with the kindness thing?