By the time this is posted (and you have an opportunity to read it), surgery day will have come and gone for my mom. I will be heading to the hospital with them tomorrow morning at 5am, as she is first in line for surgery with her particular surgeons.
Over the past couple of days, I’m starting to see (or she’s starting to allow me to see) her fear. She isn’t sleeping well, and told me last night when she wakes up, she just gets up and goes to read a book until she is sleepy again. She says laying in bed gives her too much time to think and worry about the surgery. She is a strong woman, practical and pragmatic, filled with faith in G-d. That does not mean she is impenetrable. I saw a bit of this when she was working on her medical directives about two weeks ago. Where prior to this I think she would have made a certain decision, now her directive is different than I had anticipated. We are never so aware of our fragility and the fragility of life as when we are sick and faced with the possibility for a bad outcome (surgery, anesthesia, etc.)
I’m still trying to keep myself grounded, while at the same time preparing what I need to take with me for at least an entire day at the hospital. Like I said, we’ll be there very early, and the doctor said she might not be in her room (where we can finally see her post-surgery) until close to lunchtime. Of course, depending on what happens in surgery and how well she makes it in recovery. Since she has no past experience in the hospital, we have no idea how she will react to the anesthesia and/or any of the pain medications she’ll be on. And, of course, considering her age.
I’m so so so thankful for my husband, who is taking time off of work to make sure all our animals are taken care of while the rest of us are at the hospital. I am so so so thankful that he understands how important it is that I be with my dad while my mother is in surgery. I am thankful for my aunt and uncle, who are going to be with us during the surgery tomorrow, and be with us as we wait for Mom to make it through recovery. I am thankful for my brothers, who will be there in person and/or in spirit as they are able. I am thankful for all the people who are praying for and thinking of my mother as she goes through this. I am thankful for the experience of the surgeons performing the surgery, and for the nurses who will be attending her during and after the surgery. I am thankful for the people who run and take care of the hospital, so that it is there and operational when she needs it. I am thankful there is a higher power that my mother can feel connected to during this time, so that she feels that spirit and that support as she goes through this. I am thankful that she is not alone in this (and that *I* am not alone, as well).
I am thankful for my mind and my body and my spirit, all of which propel me forward every day, and allow me to be with my parents tomorrow (and after). I am even thankful for the aches and pains that I feel every day, because it reminds me that I am here, and that I am living. I am thankful for the fear and the helplessness that I am (and have been) feeling, because it reminds me how much I love the people in my life and how much I cherish the time I have with them.