Weighting for the right time

15 Mar

Yeah, I know that doesn’t look right, but you’ll catch on quickly.

I’ve struggled with my weight since I was very very young. Though I don’t remember a ton about my childhood, I know I snuck food and ate hiding in my bedroom. If I close my eyes, I can picture the kitchen in my childhood home, and the exact location and drawer where the snacks were kept. I can remember how I learned to hide food wrappers in my trashcan, and sometimes in the trashcan in the kids’ shared bathroom. I remember the shame, but the feeling of urgent need to eat when I wanted to eat. Unfortunately, it was always snack-food that I ate. I’m not sure if I thought my mother kept less track of that food than what was in the refrigerator, I only remember thinking the fridge was off limits.

I don’t ever remembering “binge eating” as a child. I only remember eating junk food as often as I could find it and sneak off with it. Back then, there wasn’t this huge push to eat healthy, non-junk food type food. The snacks we had were cheap–because money was in short supply in our home–and plentiful. From memory, I would say that I always leaned toward sweet snacks, not salty ones. And my weight was always over the average for my age. Many times, I thought of how I weighed more than my older brothers. It sucked, but I was never able to get it under control.

In my pre-teen years, my parents sent me to fat camp. I hated it. It didn’t work. I continued to eat and gain weight. These days, I don’t suspect anyone would be surprised by that, as fat camps don’t work. Restricting a kid’s food for two weeks, a month, two months…it’s a waste of time and bound for rebound effects. As an adult just starting college, I joined a local gym and went for months. I enjoyed it, but probably because I went in the middle of the morning and the place was basically empty. I was able to walk on a track in a climate-controlled environment, listening to my walk-man, burning some mad calories. I used the weight equipment here and there, and I lost some weight. Later, when I was working full-time while I was part-time in college, I got a treadmill at home. I walked on that sucker, kept notes, and lost weight again. I was down to a weight that made me happy–to some extent. I was below 200lbs, and felt like I had curves–hips and boobs–that men would like. I met my now-husband at that point, and we started dating. I actually got sick with mono and strep throat at the same time, and landed myself in the hospital for the first time in my life. I got stuck in both hips, repeatedly, with Demerol for several days for pain relief while I was in the hospital. When I got home, they told me to take it easy, and my treadmill days went by the wayside. And boyfriend/hub and I went out to eat all the time. That poor guy…he was whip-thin when I met him. Not so much after we met. *sigh* <insert guilt ridden feelings here>

In my post Weight for it, I mentioned how I put on some weight after Butthead arrived. She changed my daily schedule, changed my regular routine, and I still have not recovered. And since she’s been here–and since that post–I’ve put on even more weight. It’s frustrating and upsetting, and I can’t seem to get back to where I was. I try to pay good attention to what I’m eating, but the obsession is difficult for me to handle. I can’t seem to moderate without going overboard. I’d like to figure this out, it’s not a fun place to be. I have a lot of stupid food issues.

I see my nutritionist tomorrow…the one who has helped me with my heartburn issues. I’m taking probiotics and digestive enzymes (which have their own “trauma” attached to them, sadly), which have worked a treat for the most part. But it has almost meant that I’ve been able to eat food more easily, which I’m sure has lead to some of the weight gain. I know I have an issue with carbs, as I tend to gain weight easily with carbs, but I can’t go carb-free because my body turns on me, physically and mentally. Here’s hoping the nutritionist will give me a path to get on that will keep me from obsessing over anything and helps me lose some of the weight.

Meanwhile, I’m biking for twenty five minutes, five days a week. And I’m biking at a good clip, too… and it’s made not one iota of difference with my weight. Which blows chunks. I don’t understand how that’s possible, which is partly why I’m hoping the nutritionist will be able to help me figure things out.

Also, it’s fucking cold outside. Just an FYI.


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2 responses to “Weighting for the right time

  1. myonederlandblog

    March 16, 2014 at 5:19 am

    I am guilty of not always reading posts that are longer. With that being said, I felt so connected with your post right from the beginning. As a child (and admittedly as an adult), I would sneak into the kitchen and put junk food in my pants/pockets (wherever I could fit it) and take it back to my bedroom. Sometimes I would eat it when I brought it in there and other times I would stash it somewhere and eat it later. When I got older and first started living with my boyfriend I would go to the store and buy junk food and eat it when he wasn’t home. I was ashamed and embarrassed. This stayed with me for years. When I finally stepped onto the scale and saw that I was 271lbs I was devastated. I knew I had to change. I had tried to change in the past and it failed, but it felt a little different this time. I wanted to get married, start a family, and live a long and healthy life. I knew that this would only be possible if I lost the weight and changed. That was 7 and a half months ago. I am now down 79.5lbs and weigh 191.5lbs. I still have a little bit more than 60lbs to go until I reach a healthy weight for my body, but I am more than half-way there. It has been a long process. I have learned so much through this experience. The good and the bad times have made me stronger. Don’t beat yourself up over not having what you are doing right now work. You can make small changes and monitor how it impacts your weight each week. Eventually you will find something that works and that clicks for you. Everyone is different and everyone has to learn. I definitely believe that a strong support system can make all the difference. Feel free to follow me – I’ll be following you. I’m looking forward to viewing your experiences!! Good luck 🙂

    • meANXIETYme

      March 16, 2014 at 11:31 am

      Hey, thanks for reading my long post. I’m THAT person who always ends up writing more than I anticipate. 🙂
      I did the pocket thing, too. I still do that, on occasion, even when I’m alone. Not often, but it’s something that seems to be buried deep inside. It stinks to feel like I’m trying to hide stuff even from myself. I used to go through fast food drive-thrus when I was coming home from college classes and eat in the car in the parking lot so no one knew what I was eating. Luckily, since now I’m gluten free, I can’t eat fast food anymore. But I still crave things that I know aren’t good for me. I try to stay with moderation when I’m eating.
      Clearly something isn’t working right for me yet as I’m still putting weight back on. But one of my problems is that I obsess and will let myself go too far on the not eating something end. Which will also make me sick and likely send my body into starvation mode, which will also keep me from losing weight. Arg.
      Plus, my exercise options are limited because of the chronic illnesses and injuries I have. So although I’d like to work out several times a day, it would be too much for me recovery-wise…I’d be out of commission for days.
      I’m so glad you are on a path that works for you! Keep on truckin’!


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