I didn’t want my anxiety to rule, so tonight I went right back onto the bike, even after my episode last night. I went in prepared. I told Hub I was going in, and that I was taking the phone with me in case I needed to get to him and didn’t have the breath to yell (he was downstairs). I told him how long I would be on the bike, in case I didn’t make it out of the exercise room. (Of course, writing this, it sounds ridiculous, but anyway…) And I went into that damn room and I put the radio on and I sat on the bike seat. I went right back to my normal routine, starting up, doing upper body exercises at the beginning as usual, riding at a good pace.
I stuck with my pattern, checking my pulse only 3 times during the ride, and only for one minute each time. And the second time, right about midway through my allotted ride time, my pulse was up. It was up because I was riding at a good clip and my heart rate SHOULD have been up. And seriously? I cursed at my anxiety, out loud, telling it off.
FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! YOU DON’T OWN ME!
And I watched my pulse rate until the minute was up, and even though it was high, I let go of the handlebars and I continued with my ride. I sang with the music on the radio, I breathed in through my nose, out through my mouth. I looked around the room, I saw everything we have in there, I cataloged the stuffed animals from my youth (and gifts from Hub!) that sit on a set of shelves in there. I did my thing. I went all the way through my ride, and checked my pulse at the end, as I did my cool-down.
I won. This time, I won.