21 Jan

I was going to say that the title of this post really refers to the weather outside, but in some ways it refers to me as well. It’s raining and gloomy out. It’s been semi-dark all day. When I woke up this morning, I had to turn lights on the bedroom to get dressed…it felt like 5pm. Or 5am, I guess.

Already my hands and feet hurt and I was barely out of bed. They hurt like they are cramping…like I don’t have enough potassium in my body. Or maybe I’m dehydrated. I’m not sure. Now, with the cramping hands and feet, I have a headache. My head just hurts like a headache but also like the skin is sensitive and tight. I just feel lousy. I’ve been fighting a cold for days. You know from previous posts that my mom is sick, and the antibiotics she is on are baaaaad news for her system. I went over today to see her and now my dad is coughing like he has a cold. I tried to stay away because I don’t want to get anything. As it is, I’m having trouble keeping my current cold at bay, I don’t need to be doubly infected…or re-infected.

My sleep is not better these days. I’m still having trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, and getting back to sleep. The past several mornings I’ve been unable to get back to sleep. I’m tired all day. Right now, with the headache, the cramping hands and feet, I feel hot. I’ve been trying to relax in the recliner with a cozy blanket over me, hoping I might doze (which I don’t understand why I bother because I never sleep during the day, even when I haven’t slept in days). I have a heating pad behind my shoulder, which is bothering me. But now I’m hot. I’ve thrown the blanket off, but my body doesn’t seem to cool itself quite properly anymore. It could take hours for me to reach a comfortable body temperature again. It sucks.

And hey, guess what. It’s my freaking birthday. (Well, the day I wrote this, not the day it posts.)

The day is gloomy. I feel gloomy. Stuff hurts and I’m tired. I try not to put too much pressure on any “day” in my life. Not birthdays, not anniversary or holidays. A day is a day, and I’d like to be able to celebrate the days when I’m feeling good and doing well. If I let myself get psyched out because it’s a special “day” then I know it’s not going to end well. For the most part I’d rather ignore my birthday–not because of aging but because of the pressure–but today I still feel sorry for myself.

Don’t get me wrong, Hub is making me a second birthday dinner tonight (we had a bigger deal over the weekend when we had more time to cook) and getting me a gluten free dessert that I enjoy immensely. He wanted to get me chocolates, but I’m just not up for that right now. I kind of want to go crawl into bed and lay in the dark, but that would just spiral into something worse. So instead I’m sitting here while the dogs sleep and the rain falls. And I’m hoping for a better year for me and for everyone in my life.


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