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Disappointment

07 Nov

I went to physical therapy today and unbeknownst to me, it was time to re-measure me. See, when you go in for PT, they ask you what’s wrong, then they do all kinds of measurements to get a baseline for where you are. For me, some of the measurements included how far I can bend one knee (the right), and how far I can straighten one knee (the left). Additionally, there is a measurement for how extended my knees are when I’m standing (apparently I was standing flexed, which is bad). They also measure strength–which is a bit trickier as they don’t really measure that as much as “feel” for it–from lots of different angles, so to speak.

So after my ultrasound, which is used for inflammation–E did her measurements. Good news is that my measurements are going in the right direction, pretty much in all areas. I know in one leg the strength still isn’t great, but otherwise everything is making progress. And when questioned more specifically, I realized that I’m taking the stairs better and I’m not having as much issue with feeling like my knees are going to buckle underneath me.

On the bad side, most of the pain is still with me. Some of it is moderately bad pain. And I had an honest discussion with E about that, to whit she tells me that it’s likely that pain will never go away. Probably won’t ever even be reduced. I wanted to sit down on the studio floor and cry. It’s such a blow that despite weeks and weeks (months even) of therapy on my knees (and previously on my shoulders and back), the pain will still be with me. It makes me want to give up on the PT, because if the pain is constant, what’s the point in putting all this work into strengthening things? I know it’s not the right thought process, but right now it’s where I am.

I’m disappointed. I’m angry. I feel like I’m going to have to go through those stupid grief stages again, realizing that this is what my life is going to be no matter how hard I try to change it. What’s the point in working to make changes when there is no relief?

I know there are a lot of people who live in pain every day. I get that. I live that way, too. But I guess I stupidly thought that this was going to be different, and that if I just worked hard enough, the pain would at least be reduced. But it isn’t changing at all. Even my shoulder and back pain come back, though they don’t necessarily last for days at a time. This is just one more load on my body that I didn’t want to have to accept.

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