Some days you just feel blah, right?
I feel blah today. Technically, I feel crappy. I’m tired, I’m stressed, I’m overwhelmed. Stuff hurts, I’ve got some dizziness going on, my stomach is unhappy. My arm hurts. It’s cold out. I’ve had to turn the heat on in the house, at least on the main level. I don’t like the heat on, because I trend toward feeling overheated. Also, I have had moments of anxiety over the possibility of carbon monoxide poisoning because I’ve just turned our heat on and what if there is a leak? I keep talking myself out of it, but it lingers with me. In our previous houses, we had no gas utilities so carbon monoxide poisoning was not a possibility. Here we have gas heat, so it’s a new fear for me. But really, it’s me not feeling well that is upsetting me. It’s my arm. It’s my health anxiety that is screwing with me today. I am unamused.
So I am still thinking about T telling me that I fear change. It is bothering me because I don’t feel like I fear change…I fear the unknown. Is that different? It feels different. I don’t mind change most of the time. I mean, of course there is some fear of change because it’s change. But it isn’t a deep down stop-everything-and-freeze fear. It’s a normal fear of something new. But the unknown…what might be coming that we can’t be prepared for…that’s what I don’t like. I don’t like being unprepared…and when there’s unknown, how can you prepare for it? These feel like silly things to say, but it IS how I feel.
I just don’t feel good today. I don’t like feeling this way. I know it’s my health anxiety, but I haven’t been able to work myself out of it, or distract myself away from it. I don’t like days like today. These are the kind of days when I want to tell my husband “In case I don’t see you again, I love you.” I’ve never done that. We tell each other we love each other all the time, often before we separate contact to go somewhere. But there are days when I want to say that to him because I worry that I will die before I see him again. It’s a horrible thought and I would never say it to him because it would scare the shit out of him. It’s my health anxiety fucking with me, there’s no reason it has to fuck with him like that, too. It’s bad enough what it does to our lives.
I started this post in one direction but I ended up trying to use it to distract myself from the pain in my arm and the health anxiety that follows me around. It isn’t working, so I’ll try to come back and talk about fearing change and the unknown another time.