So Hub has been told that he has a job until November 3rd. The contract he is working on is over on November 3rd (if they bother to get the extension signed for THAT). He’ll have no job, no income, nothing as of the 3rd. I’m trying very hard not to freak out, not to cry, not to panic.
Well, too late. I had my session with T today (lucky her) which I went to after I had already written the above paragraph. And it was so much fun and there were lots of smiles and laughs and…well, that was all a lie. Not the session part, because I did indeed have my session with T. However, she was running 10 minutes late and since I’m always 10 minutes early, I got to sit and wait for 20 minutes. And unfortunately, considering I had heard the news about Hub’s job only an hour or so before, I got all teary-eyed in the waiting area. And not only was there someone sitting there (presumably waiting for the person who was running into my allotted time), but one of the other therapist’s kids were wandering around back and forth back and forth back and forth. And I did my best to wipe away the tears and not meet anyone’s gaze.
When T finally came out–as did the people who were in her office–I went into her office and when she joined me, she knew I was not having a good day. She told me I looked like I was in more pain than usual, which I agreed to. Then we started talking and I told her about Hub’s job. And pretty much promptly burst into tears. And I am SO not a good crier. I am an ugly ugly crier. My eyes get all red and swollen, my nose gets red, and my face gets all blotchy. And my nose runs. A lot. And I tried not to cry loudly. And T sat there looking all reassuring and calm, which totally didn’t help. I’m fucking afraid. I’m scared of Hub being without a job. I hate being in this vulnerable place. I hate not being able to contribute to our finances. Even if it’s not as much as he makes, we’d still have had extra money coming in during the past months (or years even), and it would be some money to stretch us through this time. But I’m not working, and finding a job now (or in the past) has been hard for me, because I’m not able to handle a routine job. I can’t tell whether I’ll be up to working from one day to the next. Sometimes it can even be long stretches of not being able to work. No employer wants that.
And what came up–that T found really interesting–is that the anxiety of not knowing what is coming next is what gets to me. It isn’t ONLY bad things (a lot of times it is), but sometimes it’s just things. To which she has now labeled me as fearing change. And the truth is, sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. It kind of depends on my head-space and what circumstances are around that time. Sometimes I do fine with change, sometimes I hate it. But I really hate the unknown, and the fear that comes along with the unknown.
So I cried, a lot, in session. And for me crying can be a release. But really this whole crying session was because it had JUST hit me what was really happening. And I had no time to process it at home, alone. Otherwise I wouldn’t have broken down in session and wasted a whole hour with T. I only get to see her every 2 weeks…and now with the job loss, I might have to stop going until he gets another job. As it is our insurance is only paying for part of her fee, without insurance there’s no way we can afford it. I’ll not only have to stop my PT but therapy as well. It sucks, but at least I’m not in a crisis.
I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed (and I often cry when I am either of those things, so both at once is a double-whammy). Hub is grumpy (and rightly so) and upset. So living in the midst of this is not a happy place to be. It’s not pleasant, I told T. And she told me that was the politest damn way to say it. So I said, it feels shitty. And she nodded. It feels shitty to be in this place.
I am extremely lucky that we will never be homeless and never be hungry. I have family who have the ability and the means to help us. They will not let us be in a bad way. And no one has died. No one’s health is at stake. It doesn’t mean this isn’t a shitty shitty shitty situation to be in.