First off, I am not presently working, as I have recently closed down my small business due to changing industry issues. And the fact that in 10 years I never made a profit. A blog post for another day when I can talk about it without feeling sad and useless. *sigh*
Secondly, I’m pretty sure that’s not how the song goes, and I’m not sure that I’m actually coping or if I am, in fact, hiding. T tells me that I’ll know, because whatever I might be hiding from–if I am hiding–will show eventually. Bleh, not sure what to make of that. But really what we talked about in session today was that I am progressing in how I’m able to stay in the moment a lot more often. She asked me what works–and for me it’s definitely using my senses to stay in the moment, even though I still feel like I have to work at it–and what still derails me. Unfortunately, what derails me is my health anxiety…I still have to talk myself out of that a lot of times, and trying to get myself back into the moment doesn’t generally work. Sometimes distraction does after I’ve talked myself out of whatever health anxiety is plaguing me. The other thing that I dwell on is money worries. Well, lots of things surrounding money, which I will end up worrying about.
We also tripped into the world of failure. We wandered into this territory when we started talking about money. Because I worry that we won’t have enough money to survive, especially with the shutdown going on. Even when the government IS running, I worry about money. I worry that we won’t be able to pay our bills. I worry that my husband won’t be able to control his spending and THAT will put us over the edge. And I told T that not having enough money leads me directly to being a failure. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars (which I would totally collect if I could). T tried to tell me that any of the reasons we might not have enough money to pay our bills (and therefore be broke) likely wouldn’t be something in my control, and therefore would not make me a failure. Now sure, I understand when you break it down as to what the circumstances might be that would lead us to being a failure, I can see logically that it wouldn’t be my doing…but ending up broke would still make me feel like a failure. She didn’t like that part of the conversation.
Failure is a big thing for me. It’s what I think I hate the most in myself…when I fail at something. I’m beginning to really think that the reason I don’t want to do anything, try anything, and come up with every excuse not to move forward is because I don’t want to fail. I am tired of feeling like a failure when things don’t happen the way I want (or expect) them to. Being sick and having all these chronic illnesses makes me feel like a failure. I can’t work, I can’t help support my family, I can’t take care of my parents the way I want (and even though I’m a complete adult I feel like they are still taking care of me). I can’t do a lot of what I want to do because of my illnesses and so it makes me feel like a failure.
My business being over, feels like a failure. Yes, sure, I see the economy and the major changes in the industry that screwed with my business…and the business failing does not mean that I failed, but the failure was there. Feh.
I’m not really sure where I thought this blog post was going to go, but I feel like I’ve gotten off track. And in that vein, because I don’t feel like fixing it and T keeps telling me not to edit myself so much, I’m going to leave it as-is.
So there you go.