Yeah, weird title for a post, I know. I had my session with T yesterday, and one of the things we talked about was something weird that happened to me. Prior to going in to my session, I was sweeping our tile on the first floor of our house. Most of the areas are tiled and with two big dogs (with lots of hair) and the dry grass we have going on outside, our floors are pretty covered with hair and grass. I try to keep up with it, so when I saw the grass scattered around, I grabbed the broom to do a quick sweep. I put a pile in an out-of-the-way corner and when it gets to be enough, I suck it up in the vacuum. Anyway, I’m wandering around sweeping up the junk, and I realize my mind is blank. I’m thinking mostly of the crap I’m sweeping up, and whether I’ve got my broom angled in the right direction.
Okay, so when I went into my session with T, I mentioned to her how well I felt I did over the holidays, and how I handled the heat situation. How I used the cool brick on the walls to not only lower my temperature feeling, but also to keep me in the moment. The rough brick against my bare arms kept me in the moment, and I didn’t spend my time thinking of anything other than the book in front of me and catching bits of breeze from the fan. And I told her about the sweeping, and how I feel like I’m spending more time with that “blank” feeling. And she looked at me and said, “That’s not a bad thing!” To which I responded, W.T.F. What do you mean it isn’t a bad thing? There’s nothing in my head, it’s just blank. And she told me that meant I wasn’t worrying over anything. But it feels so weird to not have anything in my head. I feel like I’m in a state of avoidance when I have nothing in my head. She told me it’s mostly because I’m not accustomed to the feeling of not worrying all the time. It’s bizarre, if this is how other people live. Just feeling like your mind is blank.
I’m concerned that I’ve swung too far in the other direction. That instead of spending all my time inside my head thinking and worrying, I’m avoiding. Avoiding thinking about everything. Arg.