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Grief (and uncertainty)

30 Aug

I had a session with T today. We covered bits and pieces of things from here and there, but stopped on grief and transition and being “stuck”. She keeps trying to tell me that I’m stuck for a reason, and that I have to figure out what being stuck is doing for me. I don’t cry often in session, but today was one of those days. I also cried on the way home. I cried after I got home. I’m still crying on and off.

I’m tired of feeling hurt. I’m tired of feeling like I will never get over the grief of losing Sweet Pea. I don’t want to do anything because i don’t want to get attached to anything…I don’t want to become emotionally attached, because I’m tired of feeling hurt. I’m tired of feeling emotional. It sounds stupid to say because I love my husband, I love my family, I love my dogs. But it’s difficult for me to let myself feel an emotional connection with other things because of how much I might get hurt. It took me over a year to tell Le Moo that I loved her…and some days the words are still a struggle. I have yet to say it to Butthead, but then again she can be kind of difficult to love during this adjustment period.

I don’t know how being stuck in this awful place is doing me any good. I’ve never been in session with T and wanted to leave, or watched the clock in hopes that it was over, or considered asking if we could end early. That’s how I felt during this session…which I know means we were hitting on important things. I know it, but that didn’t make it more comfortable and it didn’t bring me any answers.

The anniversary of SP’s death is coming up on me fast. I don’t know how I’m going to be or what I’m going to do. I’m grateful that it’s on a day where I have no appointments, because I know it won’t be an easy day for me. She was such a huge part of my life…she was there for me every single day of her life with us, living without her has left such an enormous hole that I have not been able to fill. Won’t ever be able to fill. Have not really been able to figure out how to live with the gaping hole.

The thing is, I do feel like I’ve moved forward in some ways. The fact that I still grieve her, that I still miss her, that’s not so strange considering the enormity of the loss for me. Have I become stuck because of the fact that I still grieve her? I don’t understand that. I’ve done lots of things since her passing, including opening myself up to another dog (or two), with as much of my heart as I can spare. I have loved (and lost) family. I have dealt with every day issues. I have not stopped my entire life, I have just lived with the grief weighing heavily on my heart.

But I know I have lived with some uncertainty as to what I want to do with my life. I don’t know why. Another post to come on that.

This has been more rambling than I’d hoped. Less about grief and more about uncertainty and not knowing. Not getting answers. I have been sitting on this “grief” post for weeks, unable to write it. Again, I know it means it is something important to deal with, but I’m still not able to process through it, apparently.

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