On my own

15 Aug

By the time this posts, I won’t be alone anymore, I hope. But as it stands right now, Hub is heading out of town first thing tomorrow morning, very early. He’ll be here long enough to feed the dogs and head out, mostly as if it were a normal work morning. But he won’t be coming home tomorrow evening, because he’s leaving town. It’s the first time in years that I will be alone in the house overnight. Or alone and on my own all the time. The last time he left town, I stayed with my parents because I couldn’t handle Sweet Pea and my own health on my own. But then, my parents lived thirty minutes away and if I needed help they would have to drive all the way out to help me. Now they are closer, so if I need them they could be here pretty quickly. But it still means I’ll be in the house all alone overnight. Well, the dogs will be here, but honestly they are no deterrent to intruders or anything.

So not only tomorrow night, but the next night, also. See, my in-laws were in a very very bad auto accident in Florida. My father-in-law broke his shoulder and my mother-in-law was really banged up. They are both in pain and unable to travel at the moment. One of their two dogs died in the accident, but thankfully their granddaughter (who was with them) was unscathed. So my hub and his brother (the granddaughter’s father) are flying down to help them get themselves together and maybe help them come home. So Hub is flying out tomorrow morning early (Monday) and driving home with his brother, the granddaughter, and the remaining dog Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. That’s at least a seventeen hour drive, not including all the stops they will need to do because of the dog, plus they are staying overnight in a hotel to break up the long drive.

I am not keen on being alone a lot of the time. I’m accustomed to it during the day when hub is working, but in the evenings and at night…not so much. Even evenings I am alone on occasion, but overnight? It’s been probably eight or nine years. I’m kind of terrified. I’ve already told T that I doubt I will sleep during the night, either night. Not only am I afraid something will happen to me health-wise (I carry a phone with me everywhere, including the bathroom, and I sleep with it in arm’s reach on the bed), but what if someone tries to break into the house? What if someone tries to hurt me or one of the dogs? I’m trying desperately not to blow this out of proportion. I’ve spent the last two days–since we found out he’d be going to Florida–trying to stay in the moment and not worry ahead of time. But time is closing in and it’s getting harder to be in the moment.

No question, I know he needs to go. And in fact, I encouraged him to go from the moment we heard about the accident. This is family and you do what you need to with family. The only reason I’m not going is because I would not be of much help and would likely be in the way. But I’ve done everything I could from here to help, and now I have to let him go. I’m afraid something will happen to his plane, or that he’ll get hurt while he’s down there, or that they’ll have trouble on the long drive home. I’m trying so so hard to not get to a place where fear is all I feel. It’s very very likely they will be successful on their trip and return home without any issues. It is very very likely I will be fine while he is gone, and survive the two nights without anything but some stress.

On Monday I’m going to be taking care of our dogs, plus my parents’ dog because they are out of town until late Monday night. That’s stressful enough. But then when Hub gets home, we’ll be taking in my in-laws’ dog until they get back into town, which could be two or three days, or two weeks. The dog is a smaller dog, accustomed to living with her buddy but not with bigger dogs like we have. Also, she’s kind of grumpy in general and doesn’t know us all that well…and has never been to our house at all. In addition, she’s known to be an escape artist, so she’ll have to be on a leash out the yard all the time. And guess who will be having to deal with her all day while Hub is working? Yeah, me. So on Hub’s return–which will be a relief to me–I’ll be getting new stress with this poor pup. I really do feel for her, she’s lost her life-time companion in a terribly traumatic event and has been shuffled to the pound, then to a relative’s home in Florida temporarily, and then will be on another long car ride and brought here to strangers and a strange house. But for sure it’s going to be tough on me. *sigh* I don’t even feel like Hub’s return is going to bring relief, but instead more stress. I mean, YES I want him home, so no question there…but the stress of having this dog is going to be difficult. We have no crate for her, we can’t leave her free in the house at night because she has no experience here…so we’re not sure what to do. At worst we can contain her in the bathroom area where we tried to contain Butthead at night…and at least she’s small enough to not be able to jump over a baby gate once we have her in there. But I also have physical therapy and I have no idea where to contain her at that point unless we can borrow a crate from someone. I’ve already asked our trainer if she knows anyone who could lend us one and she’s asking around, but I hate to have to go buy a crate for 2 or 3 days. Arg.

I hope I am able to handle the next couple of days. I am so not looking forward to it. I did go out and borrow loads of books from the library to make the time pass faster. And I have some online games I can play that will keep me mostly occupied. But still… I know I won’t sleep at night alone in the dark, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep during the day (I am not a good napper, for sure), so I have sleep deprivation to look forward to.

I might be blogging a lot. Not a bad thing, considering I have only two blogs set to post. I do have stuff to blog about…some changes happening that I can share. And some drafts I have waiting to be completed…but sometimes when I need to be distracted, I just can’t distract myself. I might end up sitting and worrying and fighting off anxiety the whole time. We shall see, I guess.

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Posted by on August 15, 2013 in anxiety, dogs, family, fear, hub


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