Weight for it

28 Jul

So I’m following up somewhat on my Weight, Weight, don’t tell me post. Here’s why.

I’m frustrated, because that 5ish pound weight gain is now 10ish. And I’m unsure why, other than the stress from Butthead. I’m resisting the need to snack as much as possible because I’m bored. Don’t get me wrong, if I’m hungry and I want something, I go ahead and have a snack…mostly my greek yogurt and frozen fruit smoothie. But otherwise I’m staying with my portion sizes and keeping my boredom eating at bay. Yet, the weight is creeping on.

I am trying so desperately not to get obsessed with this, because I really could. I’m trying equally as hard to not  let this get to me mentally, or moodily, as the case may be. But I’m frustrated. I lost fifty pounds and I don’t want to go backward. I wasn’t entirely trying to lose any more, but I certainly didn’t want to gain any of that weight back. Is it the stress? Over Butthead and my aunt’s passing and maybe some of it about my parents having to deal with my aunt’s passing? Also, since the conversation has been going around about all the issue with my aunt’s estate, my parents are talking about revising and updating their wills. Which reminds me of their mortality (which shouldn’t be a surprise to me as they are 71 and 72 years old). Is that stressing me out, too? Can stress really screw this much with my weight?

I hardly ever talk about my weight with anyone…not even Hub. I never tell anyone that I’m up or down five pounds. I never discuss my eating or how my clothes fit or how often I weigh myself. If someone asks me if I’ve lost weight, sometimes I will just say “I haven’t been paying attention” or I say “Maybe.” I don’t discuss that the weight loss was due to health issues or eating changes or anything. In fact, I’d be just as happy if no one said anything because it’s really not any of their business. I am uncomfortable with anyone commenting on my body, including Hub (who does it anyway…all positive, no matter what weight I’ve been at), so I’d rather there just be no commentary at all. I don’t even discuss it with my doctor, who is too busy moving patients in and out like cattle to have a conversation with  me over anything other than why I am seeing her.

Only here have I openly discussed my weight, and how obsessive I can be over the numbers. And how they’re heading back up. Exercising is difficult for me with my muscles issues, but before this horrendous heatwave, we were walking the dogs in the evenings to work on their training. That was happening while I was gaining the weight, which confuses me even more.

I don’t want the ten (or five) pounds to matter. But deep down, they do matter. It’s like another failure to me.


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