I had my bi-monthly session with T today. Sometimes I walk out of there feeling even more lost and confused than when I went in. Sometimes I leave and have no recollection of what T suggested I consider. Like, I’m so far lost that I can’t even absorb what she’s said. Today was one of those days.
I feel lost.
Because of that statement, I have a feeling that this post is going to ramble and be weird and scattered. I apologize in advance for that. Sometimes the rambling helps me put into context what we talked about in session. Sometimes not. I’ll try to weigh in at the end of the post.
T told me it doesn’t sound like I’ve accepted my chronic illness, or who I am right now. That I haven’t accepted that there is no WHY as to my chronic illness. I feel like I know there is not WHY to it, and that I know I can’t change the fact that I have these chronic illnesses. She tells me that based on what I said to her today, she doesn’t believe that. And until I grieve the loss of who I was before (and how my life was before) the chronic illness, I can’t move forward.The thing is…I grieved once before. I grieved over the loss of who I was and how my life was when I first got sick. Well, technically, years after I first got sick. But I felt like I grieved and accepted… But here I am in the same spot, being told that I need to grieve again. That grief is a never-ending cycle that will be traveled again and again. I find that thought really depressing, btw. The thing is, I had a long remission from a lot of the pain and anxiety–nearly a year–where I felt almost close to normal physical and mentally. And I had hope that I would be okay, that things would continue on that way. And then the flare came again and I feel like I took about a thousand steps backward and was back where I started. And the idea of a long-term remission seems out of the question, and that’s difficult for me to deal with. The lack of a light at the end of the tunnel, the lack of hope for feeling semi-normal for anything more than a day at a time, is sad.
She also told me that my lack of purpose is holding me stagnant. I know this, to a point, but I can’t seem to find what makes me happy. What made me happy before the Prilosec-fever (and before Sweet Pea died), does not seem to have the same lure at the moment. And I have nothing in front of me that makes me feel the same way as I did then. And on top of that, the business that I was running (teeny tiny business) has been sitting stagnant as well, because I have no interest in pursuing it. Yes, the things I have to do will be done, but no further development or new work is being done. Because I just can’t seem to work up to caring about it. I’ve tried to close it, but at the urging of T and my family, have set that side until I am in a more stable frame of mind. They don’t want me making a rash decision in the midst of feeling so blah about everything. And not knowing where I want to go instead.
So I feel lost. Lost with what to do next in therapy. Lost with what to do next with my life’s purpose. Lost with why I’m not able to move forward. Again, I feel like I can identify the issues I’m grappling with, but not how to resolve them. And then I get overloaded in my session with T and walk out feeling more lost than when I went in. Is it just me, or do other people walk out of their therapy session without feeling like they grasped what was talked about during the hour?