Yeah, I’m tired. I’m physically tired, I’m mentally tired, I’m emotionally tired.
I’m tired of thinking. I’m tired of watching. I’m tired of trying to be on top of everything. I’m tired of keeping up with all the details.
I feel run down. I feel disappointed. I feel sad. I feel beaten down.
This is a sucky post. Beware, it’s going to continue that way.
I tried to do some work outside on Sunday. Our fence is being eaten by vines and trees and bushes. I wanted to get some of the vines off so they don’t end up rotting the fence. We spent a shit-ton on that damn fence and it hasn’t even been two years yet. I want it to last and I know the vines and bushes are going to destroy it. Also, the areas are harboring bugs, and I hate all the damn bugs in the yard. I worked for about 20 minutes and had to give up. I don’t have the arm strength, the hand strength, the stamina. I hate that. I hate the disappointment I feel in myself and my situation. I know I should feel a sense of accomplishment considering where I was six months ago, but this week / this month / right now, I only see the negative…the things I can’t conquer (yet).
I feel like I’m still the one in my relationship (with hub) who stays on top of details. The bills, the phone calls, the following-up of pretty much everything. I’m the one who has to remember the details, the little things, the stuff that has to get done. I’m so tired of it, and I’m tired of the stress of it. And the one time I let him handle something (that was his bill, btw), he fucked it up. He didn’t take care of it, and it went to collections. So don’t anyone tell me to let him be responsible and he has to deal with the aftermath… that doesn’t work. The aftermath affects ME, too. That’s my credit that is affected, too. I’ve NEVER had anything go to a collection agency. I’ve never had a collection agency call my house (or work) and “gently” remind me that I owe someone money (btw, it was like $50… ). It’s not comfortable. So this is what happens when I let Hub remember the details. It sat on his frickin’ dresser for months, in a stack of shit that had to be remembered. We had the $50, we knew it had to be paid, Hub said he would handle it. How did it get handled? After the fuckin’ collection agency called, I wrote the damned check and put it in the envelope and put a stamp on the envelope. Hub put it in the mail. Woo, he remembered that at least (after I reminded him to take it with him to put in the mail). There are other things sitting on that dresser waiting for him to remember. Fortunately, none of them are owed to outside sources. They are things I’ve asked him to do, like review the credit card bill that has a bazillion amazon.com charges. It’s his amazon account, he needs to make sure all the charges are correct. He has several months worth of this to look at in his “stack” and has done none of it. I hate having to remember to remind him to take care of it. It’s exhausting.
Butthead is getting better, a little every day. But we’re still not allowing her upstairs and we’re still not leaving her alone out of her crate. So I’m still not using my regular office, but spending my days on the couch in the family room with the laptop and iPad. I feel like my life is in a state of stasis. I am basically just wasting time between taking the dogs out during the day…well, wasting my time watching Butthead to make sure she’s not peeing or pooping in the house, make sure she’s not chewing the wood floor in my dining room, make sure she’s not chewing the legs on the kitchen table, make sure she’s not licking the drywall for no apparent reason, make sure she’s not chewing bits off her chew toys, make sure she’s not driving Le Moo crazy. I’m constantly on watch with her, and not only is it exhausting, it’s pretty much demoralizing. I feel like I’m a waste of space because this is what I do all day. I miss feeling like I’m participating in real life. I miss feeling like I’m contributing. (and yes, she gets plenty of exercise and has lots of chew toys to keep her busy, but she’s still not trustworthy)
I’m not sleeping well…even worse than usual. I’m not comfortable and I’m having a ton of dreams. I’m restless at night and feel like I’m spending most of the night waking up to toss and turn. The rest of the time I feel like I’m plagued with dreams that keep me from resting.
The heat and humidity and storms are getting to me. I am outside all the time with the dogs and I hate having to deal with the oppressive heat and humidity every day. I hate dealing with the bugs that are swarming because of the weather. I hate the storms that screw with our schedule and leave me anxious that if I don’t get Butthead out to go to the bathroom, she’ll pee (and/or poop) in the house. I hate that the potential storms leave me anxious about how Le Moo will handle them (she’s still having some issues).
Just tired. I am continuing to do my thankful list every night. I am trying to stay thankful, but today, this week, this month, I’m feeling so tired.